The Unbirthdays (Gays in Wonderland)

Perhaps Alice had the right idea when she climbed into that rabbit hole to escape all her troubles. If only I had my own White Rabbit that would lead the way to my personal Wonderland. Here I am another year older, another year gayer and even though my life seems to be getting somewhat better I'm still not where I thought I'd be at 33. I always use birthdays as a way of reflecting the previous year. I'm not sure exactly why I do this because it usually is very depressing. I always think about the goals I set and the ones I never accomplished. I rarely focus on the good things, which is bad. Although my financial situation has improved I still have a long way to go. If only your credit score was scored on life experiences and heartaches. I'd have a decent score then. It's a shame you can't cash in your heartbreaks like you can with frequent flyer miles. In an effort to forget my troubles and enjoy a much needed weekend away Kevin and I planned a trip to Philadelphia. Our goal was to celebrate our birthdays together (we are only two weeks apart) and to invite friends to come down and play with us. We chose the weekend in between our two birthdays as our "Unbirthday" celebration!

Now Philly may not exactly be Wonderland, but it's the closest thing we had. The friends Alice makes along her journey in Wonderland actually remind me of my friends in real life. Instead of tumbling down a rabbit hole Kevin and I took the train. That coincidently drops you off in the city underground. Our own personal White Rabbit (Bobby Bunny) and Kile (Who if I had to compare him to an Alice in Wonderland character it would be the Caterpillar. The Caterpillar was always wise, mellow and smoked his hookah like a chimney! Kile smokes cigarettes the same way.) decided to drive down separate and meet us later. I like the train. It's always a cultural experience. The only place I have seen this many ethnicities is at Taco Bell. The train ride is always relaxing. You don't have to worry about traffic or finding a parking spot in the city and the people onboard are always interesting. I've seen so many people take the train to the city while carrying handles of liquor. They don't even try to conceal the liquor bottles; it's always out in the open. We hid the 99 Bananas bottle that I bought Kevin for us to do shots with in between my blow up bed in the bag. We have some class after all. Some would probably think the train ride is boring, but Kevin and I are easily entertained. Give us a potato sack and we'd have a blast with it! We are both crazy or as he likes to say "cray, cray!" ("This shit is cray, cray!" Kevin changed the lyrics to "Call Me Maybe" and it was stuck in our heads all weekend!) That's why of course he would be my Mad Hatter.

We arrived in the city early so we could hang out with Kevin's cousin Jelissa. We were staying with her. He didn't want us to get there late and be like, "We're here, we never see you, now let's get drunk!" Jelissa is bubbly, fun and crazy too. She is "as mad as a March Hare," excitable and unpredictable like Kevin. It apparently runs in the family. She was late meeting us at her apartment (like always) and had to run a good few blocks so she wouldn't keep us waiting. She was out of breathe, giggling fiercely and could barely get a sentence out. I could just imagine this crazy little woman running through the streets of Philly with her arms flailing about and her flip flops smacking the pavement in an aggressive excitable manner! You know the sound flip flops make when you try to run in them. "Flop, flop, flop, flop, flop!" It's incredibly annoying!

Traveling always seems to make me hungry, thirsty and horny no matter how far from home I go. Jelissa suggested we try El Vez which is a contemporary Mexican restaurant down the street. The wait was over 45 minutes, so while we waited we walked to a clothing store to find Jelissa a new blouse to wear that evening. While she browsed the racks for a top, Kevin and I browsed Grindr for one. Jelissa found one that fit, but sadly we didn't. We walked back to El Vez and waited for our table. While outside we chatted about the last crazy adventure we had in Philly with Jelissa (see post Sinful) and how her best friend Sue said Kevin was a bad influence on her because she made out with a girl. After hearing some of the story a stranger that was standing right next to us said to Kevin, "Um, yeah you are a bad influence!" Even strangers can pick up on this apparently. I think once in awhile the devil on Kevin's shoulder roofies the angel on the other side and he has the ability to persuade people to do things they normally wouldn't do. I want that power!

Dinner was fabulous; margaritas, nachos, chicken enchiladas, and beef tacos! It was our version of the "Mad Tea Party." Alcohol makes every party better. We didn't have tea, but we had tequila! Our dinner conversation consisted of; sharting, douching, and other bodily fluids and noises. You know appropriate dinner chitchat. Kevin telling us which guy he wants to shart on his face. Don't worry it's just an expression, he isn't serious. Well… At least I hope not! Jelissa assured us she had gas relief meds at her place and to eat as many beans as we wanted. I didn't want Kevin to fart me into oblivion and I of course douched my ass for this. A clean hole is a happy hole. At the end of dinner George shows up to meet us at El Vez. He of course was his somber self, quiet and a little shy. He is the only other person I know who is more socially awkward than Bobby, but just as sweet. He's the Dormouse of our "Mad Tea Party." Sometimes I wonder what he is thinking about when he is so quiet and other times I wonder if he is still awake. George showed up just in time to have a birthday churro with us. They came with some kind of warm cinnamon chocolate sauce that I would have dipped anything in! Jelissa tried to sing happy birthday to Kevin and I, but it was short lived. When she realized no one else was joining in she stopped after "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear…" and sunk back into her seat a little embarrassed. "Check Please!"

We went back to Jelissa's apartment to hang out for awhile and "pregame" before our night out. Bobby and Kile finally showed up and like good friends, bought Kevin and me each two bottles of liquor for our birthdays. This has "Shit Show" written all over it! Jelissa had to jet off to a surprise party, so she was frantically trying to get ready. She said we could stay in her apartment, do whatever we wanted and she would meet us out at one of the bars later with her boyfriend. I suggested we go through all her stuff, try on her clothes, take pictures, upload them to Facebook and then tag her in them. The other boys weren't thrilled with this idea, so we drank. While Kevin and Kile went to get drinking supplies (ice, cups, mixers), Jelissa and I said "hello" to her gay neighbor Blake. He answered the door naked! Well, sadly I couldn't see anything the door was covering his body just his arm, shoulder and head were peeking out. No twig and berries! He said, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" and I thought 'Wow happy birthday to me!' He was getting ready for a night out as well. I could smell his cologne or body wash coming off his body. If this would have been a porno, I'd be some type of delivery boy! Blake said he'd meet us out too if he got a chance. He was heading to another bar on the other side of town. Jelissa headed out to her party and I went back to her apartment to drink with my boys. When Kevin and Kile finally returned they all asked me what I thought of Blake since I was the first one to meet him. I played it off like I didn't think he was attractive and said "He's ok. Seemed really, really nice." Kevin looked at me and said, "Oh shit that means he is ugs!" I knew both Kevin and Bobby would think he is hot and I was trying to avoid World War Gay in the apartment, besides I saw him first! My plan backfired when Blake popped over looking for Jelissa. Since I was the only one he knew he talked to me and I told him she already left. After he walked out the boys went crazy. "You liar!" Kevin laughed, "He is hot!" Bobby chimed in with a "Helloooo!" then Kevin followed with, "Yep, I'd totally L his B's!" So much for my first dibs!

The crowd downstairs at Woody's was already decent. We figured we would have a couple drinks here first and could always come back since it's across the street from the apartment. The downstairs has a sports bar vibe and there's a dance floor and additional bars located upstairs. They were showing people dancing on the big screen TV downstairs. Kile was convinced it was live footage and all those people were in fact upstairs as we speak! We paid the cover to get upstairs, but as I had suspected he was wrong. It was footage that was taped from another night, not a live feed! It was too early and people weren't drunk enough to dance yet.

We left Woody's and headed over to Tavern On Camac in search of boys and our friend Knockers. Knockers was already upstairs at TOC with a drink in his hand (Grey Goose on the rocks) and a devilish smile on his face. It was like he was looking over his royal gay court. He was my Queen of Hearts, sometimes brutal, sometimes sincere, always loud! Though I could never picture him saying "Off with his head!" I could picture him saying, "Ok, now give me head!" He gave me a wet sloppy kiss, grabbed me inappropriately (like always) and introduced us to his friends "Bottom 1 and Bottom 2" (Tweedledee and Tweedledum) I had met them both previously before. They were part of his royal posse. Knock put his fingers in front of my face and all I could smell was sweaty balls and ass. I screamed "Ewww why do your fingers smell like that?" Apparently he had stuck his hand down George's jeans while I wasn't looking and he had boy taint all over them. Knock leaned in towards me, smiled and sucked on my neck. When he was done he looked at his creation and realized it wasn't dark enough so he went back for more. This time he looked at my neck and said, "Aw, perfect!" Kevin looked at my neck and said, "Oh my god! That hickey is huge!" Knock gave me another sloppy kiss and said, "You love it gurl!"

We all were dancing, even George a little whose dance style consists of rocking back and forth in small steps. All of sudden this crazy ass mother fucker hops in front of me dancing like Mr. Six (The Six Flag Great Adventure dancing old guy) it was Jelissa's boyfriend Bob. He appeared out of nowhere like the Cheshire Cat, but just in the nick of time because Kevin and I needed a drink. All my mad creatures were finally together! I was in my 'Gay Wonderland' and having a fabulous time! Our togetherness was short lived. After we headed back to Woody's to dance some more our group got a little separated. Bobby Bunny went off to find someone to explore his rabbit hole, and I'm sure the other boys did as well. Kevin and I danced a little till we ran into Bottom 1. Kevin ended up making out with him a little bit until we left. I can always tell when Kevin is about to kiss someone. He gets this dopey look on his face and then darts for their mouth. He always tries to chock them to death with his tongue. Knockers disappeared much like he always does. He branded me with a hickey and then bounced. I'm sure the queen needs her beauty rest so "she" can rule the kingdom another night.

After trying forever, we finally managed to get back into Jelissa's apartment building. Her and Bob had passed out and missed our 30 some calls to have her lets us in. I managed to remember the pass code that opens the door which I probably would have remembered sooner if I wasn't snockered. After Bobby helped me blow my bed up (I was too impaired to figure it out and he has told me countless times he is good at blowing things) I passed out next to Kevin. I awoke the next day freezing and if I was snuggled up any closer to Kevin I would have been on top of him! I had two of those small airplane blankets they give you when you travel covering me and Kevin was curled up in a sheet. For a brief moment I had forgotten where we were. I looked around and saw Kile passed out on the couch, Bobby was in his small air bed which was just big enough for his 6'2 frame and Jelissa and Bob were in her bed. The room was cold I got up and shut the window. Kevin woke up, rolled over and said "hey bitch." As I walked to the bathroom I noticed Bobby was snuggled up on his little bed with TWO thick blankets while Kevin and I froze to death. I had a missed text from George asking if we had gotten in the apartment building yet and as I looked into the bathroom mirror I saw my huge hickey. Hickeys are soooo 1997, 'I just made out with my boyfriend at the movies.' I immediately texted Knockers, "My neck is black from you haha!" I said. He responded, "Omg!" "Too funny! You little Hoover." I said. "You loved it! I'm a Dyson. I don't lose suction." He responded. While I was texting Knock, Kevin was going through his phone looking for Bottom 1's phone number. He texted a guy he thought may have been him, but it turns out it wasn't. He never got Bottom 1's number. Kevin then texted Knock for the correct number, obsessed much? After texting the guy for a few minutes, and stating that they made out, Kevin realized he was texting the wrong guy again! Knockers had given him Bottom 2's number instead! This shit only happens to Kevin I swear. Kevin yelled at Knockers and said "That's the wrong guy! I made out with the other Bottom!" Knockers said not to worry that Bottom 2 was a slut anyways and gave Kevin the correct number finally.

Bottom 1 and Kevin were finally chatting and Kevin was finally happy. He was starting to whine! My little White Rabbit Bobby and the mellow Caterpillar Kile headed back to reality. Jelissa, Bob, Kevin and I headed out for my favorite gay pastime, Brunch. I truly believe Brunch was invited by a homo. It's the only time it's acceptable to drink liquor before noon and not get judged. Nothing cures a hangover like a Bloody Mary or Mimosa. We ordered Breakfast Poutine which was a concoction of French fries, sausage bits and bacon in sausage gravy, with cheese and two sunny-side-up eggs! It was amazing! Kevin kept calling it "Breakfast Punani" and even ordered it that way. When the table next to us asked how it was he said, "The Breakfast Punani is fucking amazing! Best thing I ever had in my mouth." Not realizing that the people at the table just came from church! Yep he is going to hell for sure!

The weather was cold and rainy. It was like the city itself didn't want us to leave. It didn't want us to travel, but we couldn't stay in Wonderland forever. We packed up after Brunch and said our goodbyes to Jelissa and Bob. Kevin and I walked in the rain to the train station. I had a sweater and baseball cap on; Kevin was wearing a t-shirt and sleeveless hoodie. He didn't plan very well for the weather and kept saying "This is the worst hoodie ever!" He remembered I brought my umbrella with me and asked, "Hey do you have your umbrella?" I reached into the bag he was carrying, pulled it out, opened it up and continued to trot along while it covered me. He looked at me, grabbed it and said, "Gimme this shit you mother fucker!" I continued to laugh the whole way to the train station.

Kevin and I talked the whole way back on the train. We were both exhausted from our party weekend. We chatted about the weekend and about previous adventures. He said although he isn't always happy about his decisions he makes he never really regrets anything. And there have been horrible decisions and questionable morals at play. Kevin says when he looks in mirror instead of feeling horrible about what he may have done he looks at himself and says, "That was a fucking amazing night!" I wish I could be this way. After all the heartaches and bad luck with men in general have I become too cynical? Am I too judgmental on everyone? Have I let my distrust for men invade my life completely? When I look in the mirror all I do is judge. The person in that looking glass is staring back and I judge myself the hardest. I realized even in my Wonderland I couldn't let go fully. I always hold back, but why? I even covered that hickey as best I could so it would be virtually unnoticeable, instead of wearing it proudly. I used to be open minded and now I feel I'm too opinionated. I have to look for a happy medium. Looks like I have another goal to work on for next year. Despite all that it was still a very merry unbirthday…

Tell Me What I Want To Hear

In every relationship of any kind whether it be friendship or love everyone has committed the crime of telling their lover or friend what they want to hear. In many instances these little lies are harmless. Like when your boyfriend asks you if he pounds your ass the best and you say, "Oh, hunny you're amazing! I've never had it so good." Little does he know your previous boyfriend tickled your G-spot every time and made you cum three times in a row. Or it's the lie you tell your best friend when he asks you if the wide horizontal striped shirt he is wearing makes him look fat. And you say, "Oh no, you look muscular!" When you're really thinking he looks like one of those fat kids Jerry Springer once saved from being stuck inside a white trash trailer home. Sometimes not telling the truth actually saves hurt feelings, but when does the phrase, "Honestly is the best policy" come into effect? Sometimes you need the truth in order to move on or correct something in your life no matter how painful it may be.

JT and I have been talking again. (For background info on JT please read the post: Love, Lies, and Lollipops) Actually we never really stopped talking but just recently it became more frequent. He's been having some legal issues and faces possible jail time. I reached out to see how he is doing. I really do still care about him a great deal. I have always called him "the one that got away" and always felt that our story wasn't over yet. In a lot of ways I still loved him and I wanted things to be different between us.

Over the past couple months JT and I would text back and forth. A couple times he asked when I was going to visit him in Florida (he moved back again from Tennessee.) and even though I wanted to I just thought it was a bad idea. Number 1: I couldn't afford the plane ticket and Number 2: I was protecting my heart. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I would fall for him again and then have to leave. One night while I was at work and he was out probably drinking his text messages changed:
"So why can't you come down here?" He asked.
"Well I can, but I need money to go."
"Well just gas money dear." He stated.
"Are you talking about a vacation or to live down there?" I asked puzzled
"Whatever you wanna do. My apartment lease ends in August and I want to move downtown. Do you have anyone that would move down here with you?"
"I don't really have anyone." I answered still puzzled as to where this was going!
"Well what if you did and I'm not joking around."
"I don't know. Maybe I would consider it."
"We did always get along so well. I will admit I think about you a lot and there is never a bad memory."
"I think about you too. Probably more than I should." I answered with my heart completely on my sleeve!
"Ditto! I'll call you in a little bit." He replied.
"I'm at work now. Finally found a job. The pay is crap but at least it's a job."
"Hmm maybe you can transfer down here!" He said.
"What I make isn't gonna give me much for rent down there."
"Who said I was going to charge you for rent? What exactly are you afraid of?" He asked
"What about the whole possibility of you going to jail?"
"It's going to happen or it isn't. I'm either staying put or I'm not. So why does that scare ya?" he asked
"Because I don't want to be left alone while you're Bubba's sex monkey slave in jail!" I answered only half joking!
"Haha love it!" he said
"To be honest I don't want to fall for you and then get my heart broken." It was the most honest way I knew how to answer.
"What if we were in a committed relationship? I totally get what you're saying, but we will never know if we don't try. I've thought a lot about this. You know we'd already be 3 years in a relationship by now! That's the scary part!"
"I know we would have been together for 3 years." I said shockingly! I couldn't believe what he just said!
"Right!? I can't move back north right now but I would in time if I had too and for the right person. I'd do anything for the right person."
"I'd do anything too for the right one."
"Well boo transfer work. Baby, come join me!"
"It's not really all that easy, but I'll call you later. We can talk about it some more." I tried to say rationally, but my head and heart were at war with one another.

I called him when I got home, but all I got was his voicemail. I couldn't believe after 3 years of still having a flame burn for this man that he finally said everything I wanted to hear in 30 minutes. He wanted me to move down there to live with him and he was open to us starting where we had left off 3 years ago! I'll admit I was happy. I sent some of the text messages to Kevin. He knew everything I went through with JT and Kevin became my voice of reason. "Something is off and what about the jail thing?" Kevin asked. "I know. I know he has been depressed and he doesn't know about jail yet. We are only talking about it nothing more. I didn't say I was going to move." I answered trying to stay level headed, but still feeling high from my earlier conversation. "I just don't trust him. I think he has some sort of motive in this whole thing! He may not remember bad memories, but I do. I remember how upset you were. I just don't want you to get your hopes up or to get hurt." Kevin said honestly. Kevin was right, but my heart wouldn't admit it. I decided that night that I'd be open to at least talking about it with JT and we'd see where it goes.

The next morning JT called me early I of course missed it because I was still sleeping, but he said he would call me after work. For the first time in a long time I woke up happy thinking about the possibilities of the future and day dreaming what it would be like. I hate my current situation and as much as I tried to fight it I let the brief idea in that maybe JT was going to be my hero to save me from it all. And perhaps maybe I could save him a little bit too. Then it all came crashing down. In thinking that I would make a rash decision about my life, Kevin chatted with James about what was going on. James texted me, "We need to talk and you're not going to like what I have to say about JT."

It's funny how sometimes you think you know who the hero of your story will be, but then there's a twist and it turns out they were actually the villain. James continued to text me a book, apparently JT had been sending him cock pictures and asking James to leave Sean. (Like James would ever do that!) He said he would be waiting for him. James admitted that this has been going on for a long time and when JT was up here visiting he actually flashed James his peen without me knowing it. It gets worse from here. JT told James that he was never in love with me and that he was just having fun. James threatened JT to leave me alone and to stop playing with my emotions, and he said for awhile he thought it worked.

I sat there trying to process everything and all I could answer back is "You should have told me all this before!" James apologized. I sat there. I became angry. I was mad at Kevin for getting James involved and I was mad at James for keeping this secret from me for years! Then it clicked. It was like a light switch went off in my head. Kevin loves me and was just concerned. He knew if I wouldn't listen to him, I'd listen to James. James has just been trying to protect me all these years. He was trying to spare my heart. But what he didn't realize is if I would have known the truth sooner I wouldn't have given JT the time of day. I would have been heartbroken, yes but I would have moved on from it a lot faster. Finding out someone never loved you is devastating, but going through life thinking the only reason you're not together is because of distance and life getting in the way is worse!

Everything I thought I knew was wrong. I felt like everything JT ever said was a lie and everything he had just said was him telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He didn't want me to move there to be together. He wanted me to move there for his own selfish reasons. I was going to be a substitute for happiness until he felt there was no need for me any longer. I was supposed to uproot my life for this? Actions speak louder than words and right now his actions were screaming at me! Here I thought life would greener on the other side, but it only seemed greener because JT was fertilizing it with his bullshit! I of course confronted JT with all this. I couldn't wait till he was home so I texted him. I told him what James had said and I told him, "Perhaps I wasted a lot of my time thinking about you in any kind of way. I feel like everything was all a lie now." He never responded. His Facebook status was, "Going M.I.A. for awhile." He still hasn't answered the message. His silence actually spoke volumes. It means he couldn't deny anything James had told me. It was all true.

I moved all JT's pictures into a private folder on my computer so I wouldn't have to look at them. I didn't have the heart to delete them. I was so happy in those pictures, but out of sight, out of mind. I hate thinking that I didn't mean anything to him. I think that's the hardest part of it all. He is just one of those shady ass men that should be lined up in a row while little people use their nuts as punching bags! He must be the type that tells you what you want to hear in order to get what they want. I refused to cry over him. I think you're only allotted so many tears per guy; and I used all mine up.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This...

In between my normal erotic dream and the rare gooey wet dream there lie dreams my subconscious wishes were reality. I've been having the same dream now for a couple of weeks. I've dreamt about the same sequence of events 5 times now and each time I remember more and more. I wish it would come true. Maybe it doesn't need to manifest exactly, but some of it would be appreciated. Everyone has dreams but when do they cross the line from goals we want, to the delusional; the "it's never going to happen" dream. At what point do we give up?

I get ready for bed like normal, no before bed snacks, but maybe a little wank. I find that a little "self love" before bed helps me sleep. My dream always starts off the same way. I am awoken by my alarm clock always at 9:00 am. I assume the reason it's always 9:00 am is because I feel it's a sin to have to get up before 8 and 9 has always been the perfect time for me. Either that or it stands for inches, 9 inches is perfect for me. I walk into Kevin's room which is across the hallway from my bedroom and tell him, "Yo, bitch it's time to get up! You have a meeting today with a couple clubs." He of course moans and groans making a "merp" sound and adjusts his morning boner. Why am I dreaming about Kevin's morning wood? I have no idea, maybe it's because I'm used to seeing it when he sleeps over at my house and who hasn't seen Kevin's boner at least once? So it appears in my dream that Kevin and I are roommates. I pick up his dirty laundry that is on his floor and throw it into his hamper. I have always told him that if we ever did live together I would be picking up after him and I seem to tidy up his room like it's nothing. Kevin wobbles into his bathroom like a penguin in heat to get ready for work.

I head down our hallway, which feels like it takes forever. I walk into the kitchen and make coffee. The kitchen has large glass doors which lead to an outside balcony. The sun is shining through them and I feel it on my face. I go to the fridge to get cream for my coffee and there's all these pictures scattered across the front of it being hung by funny saying magnets. One of the magnets reads, "Sluts need to understand that STDs aren't Pokemon, you're not suppose to catch em all." It's holding a picture of Bobby and Kevin in place. The fridge has pictures of Kevin and I, James, Sean, Lynn, Kate, Knockers, Jules, Sven, and my mom spread on it. It has one picture fixed in place by a magnet that says "love" on it. It's a picture of me and some guy. I assume in this dream that he is my boyfriend. I can't see his face it's always blurry. He does look tan and has dirty-ish blonde hair. It's a picture of us on the beach and he is bent down kissing me. He looks tall in the picture and is in decent shape. Not too big, but not too skinny. For now, just picture Channing Tatum's body to get the idea.

Kevin finally emerges. He is dressed all business like with a dress shirt and tie. He goes into the fridge grabs his buffalo chicken pizza from the night before and pours himself some Dr. Pepper. I looked at him and say, "Skank, it's like quarter after nine in the morning, that's your breakfast?" He answers back, "That's 9:15, right?" This part of my dream tells me that no matter how fancy Kevin may be dressed he still is Kevin, time challenged and all. Kevin grabs his pizza and soda and heads out to the balcony. I follow behind with my cup of coffee. The balcony overlooks the beach and ocean and the weather is very warm. I have no idea where we are, but I have always wanted to live some place by the beach. I detest cold weather, so I assume this is Florida or California.

Kevin tells me about his day he has planned. In earlier dreams it was revealed that he is some kind of Club Promoter for half of the clubs in town, mostly gay ones. He has a meeting with a few new ones this afternoon. My response every time is, "Cool, new places to drink and eat for free. I love your job!" Kevin then asks me what I'm planning on doing for the day and I tell him, "I need to finish this book; my agent is up my ass again because I'm approaching the deadline, but I only have one chapter left to write." This part of my dream indicates that perhaps I'm writing my second book. It's kind of funny because I'm not even done writing the first book yet. Kevin then says, "I read your column last night about having a "Friends with Benefits" Relationship with a Neighbor. You are welcome by the way!" "Welcome!?" I questioned. "Kevin you do remember what happened the last time you fucked around with our neighbor we had to move! The guy went psycho." "That won't happen this time. The guy across the hall is completely sane, not cray cray!" Kevin said. "Yeah, yeah just be careful! You still afraid to bottom for him?" I asked. "YES! It's huge, you would love it, but it scares me!" I laughed at him. "No, that's ok. I'm perfectly happy with my boyfriend." I said "Where is he?" Kevin asked. "The lazy ass is still in bed we were up late last night watching old movies. He was snoring away when my alarm went off." I answered.

Kevin leaves for work and I type away on my laptop working on my final chapter. I sip on a Bloody Mary and occasionally glance down at the people playing volleyball on the beach. After some time passes I get up, go inside and walk down the hallway to my bedroom. I open the door and look at the bed. There he is. He is sleeping on his side. His back is facing me, I can't see his face. It would appear as if he was naked too. The bed sheet was just barely covering his lower half. I could see a little crack. I smiled, walked over to the bed and gently tapped on his left shoulder while saying, "Honey, it's time to get up. I'll make you lunch." He reaches his right hand over to his shoulder and places it on top of mine. Then he slowly begins to roll over on his back and just when I'm about to look him in the eyes… my alarm goes off and I wake up!

I always wake up from this dream wishing I hadn't woken up! Like come on!! Who is the guy!? When your dreams are better than your reality, don't you just wish that you could sleep forever? I wish that my everyday life was the dream and my reality was that apartment overlooking the beach. I believe the reason I keep dreaming about this is because it's actually what I want. Maybe not exactly, but a version of it. I don't want riches or fame. If anything this dream says I want the simple things. I want that cute apartment, my friends to be happy, a job I love everyday and of course love. I'm not really asking for much, but then at the same time, I'm asking for everything. I've told Kevin about this dream and he wants it to come true just as much as I do. I can only hope that someday a version of it will come true. I won't let it go. We all need dreams, we all need something to look forward too. Without dreams then that would really be a nightmare.

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Photo: Darren Criss

Whether you love his character (Blaine) on Glee or not, one thing is clearly certain, Darren Criss is adorable! He has just that right touch of sex appeal and apparently body hair that would drive anyone crazy. Woof! He has that boy-next-door appeal that would actually make you want to spy on him nextdoor through a telescope. And then you'd get a restraining order placed on you, but it would have been worth it.

My friend Bobby has the world's hugest crush on Darren. He is Bobby's ideal man. (That happens to be straight.) Maybe it's his smile. Maybe it's the thought of Darren breaking out into song and serenading Bobby. Bobby has told me he had daydreams about that before. Let's face it, Darren is cute. I wouldn't kick him out of my bed. He'd stay there till he made me sing!

What are your thoughts on Darren?

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Question: Is Monogamy A Bad Word?

Are we all relationship handicapped or are we just whores? Monogamy is a scary 8 letter word to some people. They treat it as if it's some type of STD that has been caught. Why is monogamy so elusive in today's gay society? We are fighting every day for equal rights and we are fighting for our right to marry, but what's the point if we aren't faithful to one another?

Monogamy isn't just a gay issue it's a people issue. The straight society between all the divorces and affairs, has a hard time grasping this monogamous concept. But it just seems as if gay relationships have a standard rule; thou can covet another's ass. Out of all the gay couples I know there's only a handful that are 100% monogamous. Why is this so accepting among gay men? Lack of blood to the brain due to increase stiffness in lower regions?? See, the problem is we were given a brain and a penis. There's only enough blood to run one at a time. Show us a hot guy and you can pretty much assume which one we will be thinking with. Most people stray or want open relationships because they're paying more attention to what they're missing, rather than what they already have.

Every relationship should have their own set of rules. What works for one couple may not work for another. To each their own, but can all the open relationships, playing around with another guy together, and hidden hook ups behind the K-mart really work? If you are so happy with your partner then why do you have to invite every Tom, Dick, and hairy Jose into your bedroom?

Question: Do you think monogamy will become extinct in the future? With all the gay marriages and now with more states getting onboard with gay marriage, will more gay couples be monogamous? What are your thoughts on monogamy? Click on the blue comment link below to leave a comment.

Results of poll: Are You In A Monogamous Relationship?

-19% said yes they are in a very happy monogamous relationship. 
-9% said they are in a monogamous relationship but would be open to explore others sexually with their partners. 
-61% said they are not in a monogamous relationship but hope someday that they will be. 
-4% said that monogamy is not for them and that they feel it's something that the straight society wants us to conform too. 


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