August 17, 2011


Derek: "So how old is your friend going to be?"
Me: "I believe he is turning 30."
Derek: "Isn't that considered gay death?"
Me: "Ew! I'm 32!"
Derek: "I'm aware, but aren't you a zombie?"
Me: "Yeah and I'm totally going to eat you!"

That was our conversation a couple days before the party. I can't help but feel Derek is right. I mean after I turned 30 things started to go downhill. My body has changed and I swear I can't recover from a night of partying like I used too! I wake up feeling like an old man and even walking like an old man. You know what I'm talking about. They always walk around like their balls are hanging down by their ankles! I check mine everyday and I swear they are slowly moving in that direction! Like the gravitational pull is tugging on them ever so slightly. I even accidentally sat on my balls the other day, can we say, "ouchie?"

I'm slowly watching my youth go down the drain. I know, I know I sound so dramatic but it takes a blow torch, sandpaper, plaster and some Spanx now to get ready. I'll admit I still do get carded for liquor. It's a wonderful feeling. Like a tickle that starts up my leg and goes all the way to my home entertainment center! I was asked by a waitress one time on what I do to stay so young? Without even skipping a beat, Kevin chimed in with, "It's all the cum facials he gets." I wish sometimes that was true. I guess you would leave it on and then peel it off? Kinda like a pore mask?

I find it extremely difficult to be in your 30's, single and gay. It has become an adjustment I'm still getting used too. I no longer receive the attention I got when I was in my 20's. My 20 something year old friends seem to get all the attention now and then I just become a bystander. My ginger needs to be tickled too you know!

Most gay men (can't say all there's still good guys out there.) are superficial fickle bitches they all want that cute young, dumb and full of cum Twink. I'll admit I like the pretty things too, but as I get older I find my interests are turning towards more mature minded individuals. (Whether they be older than me or not.)
This past Saturday I was invited to my friend O's Totally Awesome 80's Themed Surprise Birthday Party that his sister Natalie was throwing for him. (For background info on O and Natalie see the posts The Intimacy Debate and I Do.) I brought Derek with. He needed a distraction while his boyfriend is away and I think he was more excited about dressing up all 80's style than I was. The party was a walk down memory lane or at least what I do remember from the 80's. After all I was young. I mostly remember my idols like Rainbow Brite, Jem, and Strawberry Shortcake. Yeah, I guess I really was born gay. Just me and my Sit~N~Spin and Glowworm. Flaming mo in the making!

Natalie was passing out candy bracelets, glow bracelets and Pop Rocks! I actually heard that Pop Rocks are good with oral sex (If anyone has tried this let me know.) and that urban legend of them with soda is false. I ate mine with vodka and sprite. My stomach did not explode. Cans of Aqua Net were spread out, it was a party of big crimped hair and leg warmers. O and his GBF (Gay Best Friend) Joshua were dressed looking like Village People rejects waiting for the YMCA to open. Joshua's ensemble left little to the imagination with the fishnet tank and the short shorts. When I was sitting on the couch and his crotch was eye level all I could see was his nut huggers. He even showed me he had tightie whities on under them. Now that's sticking to the era!
I told O, "Welcome to my box now. I hope you like it." I of course was referring to the age box you check off when you fill out forms or surveys not my hump tunnel. He seemed like he enjoyed himself at the party. It got pretty interesting when an older angry woman called him a "fuck face" (she meant it in a loving way) and O's cousin got all offended. (The same woman earlier was hating on Derek and asked him what his beanie was. She also stared me down like she wanted to use my remains for furniture.) I almost thought there was gonna be an older lady showdown, but after some talking they seemed to become friends. Who knew fuck face could lead to friends?

  I certainly hope O enjoys his 30's. So if 30 is considered Gay Death and in your 30's you're consider a Zombie, then what are you when you reach 40? The Crypt Keeper? I will try to maintain a youthful appearance as long as there's anti wrinkle cream available. Hey even tonight a sweet cute 20 year old told me, "You're gorgeous! You definitely still give me a tent in the pants." I'll take the compliment even though at that age drywall turns the young ones on. I don't know if I still have "it" but I got something and I'm gonna work that. I'll still be keeping an eye on my balls though. Hey! I think they are even closer to my ankles now!! Shit!