August 9, 2011

I Now Pronounce You Fag Stag & Fag Hag...

...You may kiss the hag and make gaybies. Ok, well that's not exactly what Katie's Aunt said as she preformed the wedding ceremony, but I'm sure it was close. I was hoping for a sexually confused and frustrated priest to do the wedding. Perhaps the Bride and Groom thought bringing a priest in a room full of homos was a bad idea. I can just see it now: "Excuse me father for I have sinned. I know not what I do. Hey you look familiar! My username is ChoirBoi69. Are you HungPriest4u or FatherMybackdoor?" Yeah I'm going to hell. Blah, blah, blah I'll save you a seat. Bring sunblock.

I was invited to Katie and Matthew's wedding. I of course brought Kevin as my guest. He is always my wedding date for two reasons; 1. He is bound to do something stupid or funny and I need entertainment incase the wedding is boring. 2. He never lets my glassful of liquor get low. Kevin arrived at my house around 3 in afternoon on Saturday. He wasn't dressed or ready to go and smelt like vodka hardcore. All I could smell was his cologne and vodka. This must be what the cast of the Jersey Shore smells like. Kevin was out at a party the night before and it was obvious he had a late night. I suppose I should have expected his disheveled appearance because I did receive a drunk text message at 4:30am saying, "I got a vibrator!!!!!"

On our way to the joyous occasion I inquired about Kevin's buzz buzz adventures the night before. Kevin said him and Lynn were at a party at their straight married friends. It was a birthday party for their hot DILF (Daddy I'd to Fuck) friend. The wife was the one that brought out the vibrator and everyone was playing with it. (For some reason I picture the game "Hot Potato," but with a vibrator.) Kevin said, "It's not as bad as it sounds. Nothing went in my mouth or in my ass! Just alittle over the clothes vibes. Oh and I took it!" I looked at him laughing and said, "WHAT!? You stole the vibrator? You sick klepto!" He laughed, "Yeah, I even put fresh batteries in it this morning because we wore the fucker out last night. I realized this morning that she probably didn't wash it and I probably had vag juice all over my hands! Here smell." He puts his fingers in front my nose and mouth. "You are so disgusting! I can't believe you took it. I'm sure she didn't wash it with antibacterial soap or put it in the dishwasher before letting you guys play with it." I screamed! Kevin just laughed and said "Yeah, I'm probably gonna regift it and give it to you haha." AND scene!
Because of the rain the wedding and reception was held inside in one big room. It's shame it rained because the landscape of Willow Tree Grove was actually very pretty, but then again isn't rain on your wedding day suppose to be good luck?

It was pouring when we arrived and by the time we walked into the building I was wetter than a gay daddy at a Justin Beiber concert. The wedding was filled with gays and conveniently the majority of us were seated at tables 6 and 9. Unfortunately our table was also the table that Kevin's Ex and his Partner were sitting at and also Harold whom called Kevin a slut the weekend before. (HapPENIS) Yeah this is going to be interesting.

  The thin paper number 9 was the only thing blocking Kevin's view of The Ex and his Partner. In an effort to distract himself Kevin turned to scoping out other guys. He liked the photographer a lot and said, "I'd totally L his Bs! He's so hot!" Hmm and we wonder why Harold called him a slut. The photographer of course was older with a nice body tone, bald and married! (Well he had a band on his finger so I assumed he was.) He was attractive but he did resemble The Ex a little too much. I swear Kevin is attracted to this type, like flies on shit. When I pointed out to Kevin that the guy was probably straight and married he said, "It doesn't count then." and licked his lips. Typical Kevin response.

The best man was my friend Allan and he's how Katie and Matthew got introduced. Katie is friends with Harold and Matthew is best friends with Allan so their paths were bound to cross eventually. To think the fags brought this union together. See we support straight marriages, why can't gays get the same in return? Just think who's gonna do your hair, make up and not to mention probably design the dress...The gays! Katie, the bride of course was beautiful and I would consider her a Fag Hag for sure. Matthew is a real Fag Stag he even loves our music and is comfortable in gay clubs.

I met Matthew about 9 or 10 years ago. I went with him and Allan to Texas to visit Allan's Dad Frank. Who just so happens to be gay as well. See the fruit really doesn't fall far from the tree. What I didn't know was the only reason I was invited was because Allan was trying to hook me up with his father! Allan's dad Frank of course is just as crude as Allan is. Like father, like son. Frank blatantly told me he wanted to fuck me but after I had made it clear I wasn't interested he backed off. To this day though when he is in town he still makes passes at me and asks me to move to Texas to live with him. I guess I made an impression. He even tried hooking me up with Allan a few times and calls me "son."

  When we were in Texas we visited San Antonio and spent the day on The River Walk. It was like being in another country, very pretty. After a night out at some clubs Frank, Matthew and I went back to the hotel. Allan stayed out trolling for twinks. I slept in Matthew's bed because he didn't want Allan coming back all sloppy drunk and being touchy and I didn't want Frank to get any ideas. I remember Allan waking me up at 4 am trying to push me out of the bed because he didn't want to sleep in the same bed as his father. I didn't budge! The next morning I woke up with arms wrapped around me and something poking me in the back. Matthew was spooning with me and I could feel his morning wood! He woke up and was startled for a second like he forgot where he was. He apologized for "invading my space" and said he was used to sleeping and cuddling with his girlfriend who apparently has a petite body type like I do. We still joke about it now. In fact when I met Katie I told her Matthew was a good cuddler and I highly recommended him. Perhaps it was a good thing I didn't give the toast. "Yeah Matthew remember that time your boner was poking me in back and that time I motorboated Katie?"

The wedding was fun despite our sitting arrangements. It seemed like after eating everyone at our table dispersed. It also helped it was an open bar and trust me we took full advantage of that. Even the bride told us to drink more. Hey we had permission! The Ex's Partner was being especially nice to Kevin. Kevin asked me why and my opinion was because he knew he had won. Kevin looked at me and said, "What do you mean he won?" I said, "Well, The Ex didn't leave him for you. They are still together, so technically he did win." You know what they always say, "Keep your friends close, but you enemies closer."

  All these weddings I've gone to really make me wanna have one of my own. I just need to find the groom. I did suggest to Kevin that perhaps him and I get married for all the presents. Could you just imagine my bridal registry? I swear gay weddings would help the economy! We love to party and we love shiny and over the top shit! If only everyone could see that.

Kevin said we could get married only if he could sleep with other guys. Hell, that's practically considered a real gay relationship anyways! I do really want that new toaster and coffee maker, but I'd rather have a monogamous relationship.Congratulations and best wishes to the happy couple.