December 10, 2011

Advice: FWB Turned Sour

Dear J,
How do you be friends with someone whom is gay, that you had a sexual experience with, but found there was no sexual gratification in it for you, but you still love them like a brother? How do you stop them from being vindictive and mean? I'm a sensitive male, but I am straight. I was abused as a young kid and I have bad flashbacks. I have a lot of gay friends I'm comfortable with around me. But things are weird now with my best friend because of what happened. I do love him. I'm just not gay.

Dear Sensitive Straighty,
As you can see sex and friendship doesn't always mix. It's never ever a good idea to go down that road with your friend unless you both have mutual feelings for one another or have some kind of NSA/FWB arrangement. Someone always ends up getting hurt and in this case it's the both of you.

The first thing you really need to do is talk to your best friend. I would avoid the phrasing "I didnt have any sexual gratification from our hook up." that is just gonna make your best friend feel like shit. Like a used up cum rag! Nothing can wreck someone's self esteem quicker. Also avoid the word "mistake" because in his eyes it probably didn't feel that way. You need to tell him you value your friendship with him and that you do love him. But you just want to stay friends and the sex shouldn't happen again. Even saying that will feel like daggers stabbing his heart. If he is being vindictive and mean that is because he is hurt. You hurt him by rejecting him. Gay guys can be mean if they are hurt and trust me we aren't afraid to hit below the belt! He may need time to get over it. So talk to him, apologize the best you can and give him some space. True friends can always work stuff out. Remember actions speak louder than words, so showing some type of remorseful gesture will help.

The second thing I want you to do is to think about why this happened in the first place? Were you confused about your own sexuality and needed to test it? Were you thinking that maybe a relationship with your best friend would work and then when it actually happened you realized for sure you're straight? You need to figure this out, so something like this doesn't happen again. My best friend Kevin would say, "most straight guys would fuck anything, a warm hole, is a warm hole!" But if you are truly sensitive like you stated then this probably isn't the case. So why did you hook up with your best friend? If you feel it may be because of the abuse you received as a child then perhaps you should seek professional help from a therapist. They can uncover those underlying issues and hopefully help you out. And if you still really aren't sure about your sexuality just remember the anus has 8 more working muscles and is 4 degrees warmer than the vagina... Just saying.

Make good decisions,

Need Advice?