January 4, 2012


Every holiday season I'm always invited to several parties. Some hosted by gay people, some hosted by straight people. It always astounds me that they are so vastly different. Gay gatherings are what you would normally expect, a bunch of drunken finely dressed catty men huddled around whichever part of the house contains the booze.

Gay parties are the ultimate social gathering. There's no drinking games such as beer pong in fact most don't even have beer. We like our hard liquor.
We do however play many secret games like the one where you suck in your gut so you look better. I don't think I have completely exhaled since 2001. There's also the "I'm better than everyone else" game. I guess that's not a secret that gay men can be rather judgey. We'll criticize your clothes, hair and everything else. There's also the game where you pretend to be interested in getting to know someone, but all you really want to do is fuck them. You know what they say the best way to spread holiday cheer is to take it in the rear! We may not play actual boardgames, but trust me almost every gay man you encounter at a party is playing some type of game.

Steve and Bill's annual holiday party fits the standard mold of gay gatherings. An abundance of liquor... check, food that is always leftover because we drink more than we eat... check, homo friendly straight people such as: MILFs, DILFs, Fag Hags, Fag Stags and the occasional regular Mom... check, and of course a mixture of gay people including Twinks that the hosts have had threesomes, foursomes and whatever kind of 'some' you can think of with... check.

It's not really a secret that at Steve and Bill's parties usually extracurricular activities occur after the straighties leave (usually after midnight. It's like their soccer mom suv's turn into pumpkins.) and the gays get drunker. Every party Steve and Bill usually pick someone to partake. They call this individual the "Hostess Gift." Bobby and I attended this years party fully knowing what to expect. My first time at Steve and Bill's years ago I was asked to be the hostess gift but turned down the offer. And the first time Bobby ever attended a party with Steve and Bill he kind of became the appetizer or pre-gift, but it was just a taste (literally) before Bobby stopped it.

This year the party was no different. Bobby and I met some interesting people and hung out with the party regulars that attend every year. We met this interesting fellow named Travis. He was cute, nice, and a hairdresser. He told us he had met Steve and Bill at a club in Philly and upon further inquiry I discovered he had been to their house before aka "he did stuff with them" but this was his first time at their holiday party. He told us that Bill picked him up from the train station and he blew off another party to attend this one. "I thought this one would be more fun and debaucherish." he said as he smiled. That told me one thing, Travis is this years hostess gift! I broke the ice with Travis the best I could. Once conversation starts flowing Bobby becomes more relaxed and chimes in. I knew he was attracted to Travis and could tell he wanted to get to know him more which he did throughout the night... Cut to... Bobby making out with him.

I managed to make friends with a lovely straight couple. She resembled Lea Michelle (from Glee) and he was, well he was fucking hot! I joked with Lea that her husband was a commodity and all the gays at the party wanted him. He was the party's token DILF and he seemed rather flattered. He didn't even mind when I rubbed his head, felt his pecs and told him I could sit on his face and bust a nut on it. Before we left Bobby and Travis exchanged numbers. Later we found out that because Steve wasn't feeling up to it and because Bobby and Travis hit it off so well, that nothing extracurricular occurred. Travis slept in the guest room. Looks like Bobby got the hostess gift and he wasn't even the hostess.

The weekend after Steve and Bill's, Kevin and I attended Harold's annual Holiday party. (Bobby was in New Jersey having a date with Travis.) Harold's parties are similar to Steve and Bill's. Lots of liquor, some food, some straight people and Twinks he wants to, but doesn't usually get to sleep with. I think Kevin's been the hostess gift for almost everyone but the host. (kidding kind of) At Harold's parties we tend to know almost everyone. Kile was there and Andy and Brett made a short guest appearance. Things were fun until midnight rolled around.

Kile had been seeing this guy in New Jersey, he had just gotten to Harold's and brought some people with him. Among the people was my ex fiancé Richard! I quickly grabbed Kevin and pulled him into the kitchen. "That's Richard!" I said in shock! "O! M! G! No way!?" Kevin replied. Kevin had only met Richard once and it was brief and years ago. Kevin peeked his head around the corner turned back and looked at me, "Yep it's him! Do you want to leave? We can go!" he said. Kile had no idea what was going and was in mid introduction with everyone when Richard said, "oh, yeah that's my ex." He said it like I was just a footnote in a book that was filled with other guys. I was determined to not let this fucker ruin anymore of my life. He lies, he cheats and he uses people. And there he was right in front of me.
Look what the gonorrhea and syphilis dragged in! I looked at Kevin and said, "No I'll be ok as long as he doesn't try to talk to me or anything. If they stay downstairs I'll be fine."

I guess Kile knowing it was a bad idea to mix us he kept his group downstairs. He came up to Kevin and I sitting on the couch and apologized. I realize he had no clue at all so it wasn't his fault. As the night drew on and the alcohol turned into emotion I became both equal parts hurt and crazy. If I could have picked up the piano and thrown it at Richard I would have. I even tried. Hey I was drunk. And there was a brief hunt for Harold's kitchen knives which was faltered by Kevin shutting the drawer after I opened it while saying, "that's not enough knives."

I felt like I was going to have a Carrie on prom night kind of moment. But it was Kevin who calmed me down.
The true colors of Kevin's friendship really shined that night. He cuddled with me on the couch, and kissed me innocently a little bit to calm me down. The whole thing was just about perfect except he made out with his ex whom was also sitting with us, but hey its Kevin he isn't a Saint although he has been on his knees like one. Truth be told I'd be perfectly happy to go another 4 years without seeing Richard's snaggletoothed face (he has a chipped tooth in the front. He told me it was because another ex punched him, but if Richard treated him anything like he treated me then I'd say he deserved it.) I've learned that a bruised heart is much like fruit you have to keep it cold to preserve it. If Richard was the one to bruise it then that makes my friends the ones to keep it preserved.

The gatherings just keep on coming. Jules invited me to a little kid friendly ice cream social. You're suppose to bring your own topping and I'm probably the only person in the world to bring liquor to an ice cream social and convince everyone to order chinese takeout. The chinese food was good! The gathering was small. It was just Jules and her almost two year old son who was obsessed with cows and called the Elmo on his shirt "Melmo," (how cute is that?) Jules' sister and her son and Sven. Blue eyed smily Sven! They had football on when I walked in. Good thing I brought the liquor! It was a fun evening despite those weren't the kind of tight ends I had in mind. It was nice to catch up with everyone. I have missed them all.

I always dread New Years. I never have any luck on this holiday. The last few years have ended in tears so to pull myself out of my traditional "I want to cut myself" feeling I decided to spend it with straight people! I know, shocking! Kevin's friend Rose invited us over for a neighborhood party. I've been to a couple parties hosted by Kevin's neighborhood friends. They are what you would expect of college aged people. Rose had beer, some hard liquor, drinking games (We played 'Never Have I Ever' "Never have I ever had anal sex" it was funny cause mostly everyone drank.
Hmm there's hope for straight people yet.) and she had some food too. We mainly lived off of vodka soaked gummy bears and worms which were amazing! They need their own food group. Kate's boyfriend Ben always insists that Kyle and I are faking being gay so we can grab boobs and "stuff." Boob grabbing is one thing vajay-jay licking is another. I always tell him I could prove to him that I'm really gay, but he is scared of what I might do and backs off. I'll admit despite the straightness I didn't feel any awkwardness. It also helped that Lynn and her boyfriend were also there so I knew people. And I wasn't the oldest Kate's dad was hanging out with us. He listened to all the "Never I have evers" till he passed out in a bean bag chair and we all drew on him with permanent marker. Mental note: never pass out at a straight party.

Nothing says ringing in the New Year quite like drinking champagne out of a big red solo cup. Those cups are the devil! I believe at one point I actually had three drinks going. They say who you kiss and who you are with when the clock strikes midnight is the person that you'll spend the year with.
I kissed Kevin and if that means I'll spend the year with one of my best friends then I'm all for it, but I also kissed a bunch of the girls, so does that mean there's vagina in my future? Now that's just scary.