January 13, 2012

Warning Labels

Kevin and I had conversation about love. He said, "Love is blind and stupid." He is right. The only ones that can truly see what is going on are the people outside of the relationship. Love makes you stupid. People can warn you all they want but when matters of the heart are involved the ears never listens. I didn't listen. I think it would be awesome if guys came stamped with warning labels across their foreheads! I would say stamped across their backs like a warning tramp stamp, but unless you see them shirtless right away that isn't going to work. The forehead is a much better location. That way you know exactly what you're getting into and how hazardous he truly is. Warning labels like; poisonous, may cause a burning sensation, or a choking hazard would be ideal. Ok maybe that last one isn't really a bad one, after all doesn't everyone like more than mouthful?

Warning: Corrosive Material  
Sure he seemed charming and perfect in the beginning but that's how he eats away at your life. He became everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship. He paid attention to what I was looking for in a boyfriend and actually became that. He even said he wanted the same things. Before you even realize what is happening he has seeped into every part of your being and you fall head over heels for him. He is the prince charming (even bought my Mom flowers) you've been waiting for. Early on in a relationship it's hard to spot the lies and sometimes when you sense things may not be right you  just turn the other cheek anyway because it's too late. He has you!

Warning: May Cause Skin Discoloration
Yes we were engaged after only being together for 4 months! Looking back everything was rushed. He was my boyfriend only after less than two weeks of dating, gave me a key to his apartment only a couple months after that and then asked me to marry him. Apparently celebrities aren't the only people who rush into things. I am to blame, he asked and I said yes. He asked in front of all our friends. He was down on his knees in front of me for another reason than to just slob on my knob. He said words like "forever" and "love of my life."  I said yes. Perhaps my eyes were still hazy from all the cum facials. He knew I had fallen for him and this was his way of sealing the deal. He even had a ring for me. That ring turned my finger green after wearing it for a week. That should have been a sign! 

Warning: Sharp Object
Words can cut you like a knife. He was verbally abusive in every sense. He had a way to put me down and make me feel like there was no one else in the world that would ever love me. He knew my insecurities and he fed on them. He pointed them out and used them against me. My friends didn't like the way he talked to me. They witnessed how he used to put me down and tried knocking some sense into me, but he made me feel scared to leave him. In a way he bullied me to love him. He managed to turn everything around. If we fought it was always my fault and he made me apologize first. If I stepped out of line I became a verbal punching bag. He made me feel worthless, ugly, and terrified to the point where I felt like I couldn't ever leave him or live without him.

He never physically abused me. He came close to hitting me once after I caught him in a big lie and threw champagne in his face. He wanted to hit me I could see it in his eyes and I even braced myself for it. I wanted him too. I wanted a bruise or some kind of mark on my skin. I wanted other people to see it! It would have been my cry for help. Instead he did something much worse. He convinced me it was my fault for his lying to me. I ended up apologizing and begging for forgiveness. He then continued to emotionally cut me. 

Warning: May Cause Eye Damage
Seeing things with your own eyes is best, but love can cause eye damage nonetheless. 

I had caught him in multiple lies! Lies about family, friends, work and money. He used to tell me he would be with so and so, but actually I had no clue where he was. I had discovered he had profiles on hook up/gay dating sites like Manhunt and Adam4Adam. When I confronted him about it. He said it was just to meet friends only and nothing more. It then became my fault for snooping and for questioning his fidelity. Then I discovered nude pictures of himself and a jack off video he had recorded on his laptop. When I confronted him about those he had said they were old before we had met. It was hard to tell if they were current because I couldn't see his face completely, I just recognized his cock. The laptop he had gotten AFTER we had been together. He then said the pictures and video were on his old flash drive so when he transferred all the files over to the new computer they transferred as well. He made me believe it and then again made me feel guilty for accusing him of doing any kind of shady act.  

Warning: May Cause A Burning Sensation
The thought of him cheating on me echoed in my mind. "Friends" of his always appeared out nowhere. They were guys I had never seen and ones he had never mentioned before. I knew he was going out to bars without me and without me knowing. People that we knew would call or text me and say he was out somewhere. He used to say they were jealous of our relationship and were trying to break us up. I of course believed him. He called me one day while I was at work and accused me of cheating on him! He said, "it burns when I pee!" and his nurse friend had suggested he had gonorrhea. I hadn't cheated the thoughts never crossed my mind. I told him, "I would never cheat on you and YOU know that! If you have something it because you got it from someone else!" He swore up and down that he hadn't  slept with anyone and later on he called me back and said the doctor confirmed it was just a Urinary Tract Infection. There was a huge part of me that didn't believe him, but still a part of me that wanted too. 

Warning: Poisonous to Humans and Domestic Animals
We were together for almost 2 years and through those 2 years I caught him in so many lies. So many things that didn't make any sense at all. He poisoned my mind so much I didn't know what to believe. He had told me when he was younger he had a son that had passed away at a very young age and there was some kind of law suit involving the hospital. He told me he was suppose to get all this money and at one point he even told me he received it. He still lived in a crappy apartment and had no car. If you had over 200 thousand wouldn't you fix that situation? And there was no pictures of his son and his family had never seen him. Lies!

Towards the end of our relationship he started to disappear on the weekends even if I was staying at his apartment with his roommate. He used to go out to New Jersey (bout 2 hours away) to meet up with people whom I've never met and never heard of. There was always some excuse why he wasn't around. He even ditched me on my birthday weekend. He was out in New Jersey doing god knows what. Two weeks after my 29th Birthday he moved out to New Jersey. Like a lemming I followed him, even helped him move. He just left. Didn't warn his roommate or anything. We moved him out one day while his roommate was at work. Left him to clean up the mess. He even left his cat behind to fend for itself. His ex roommate ended up adopting the cat, so at least that was a happy ending and  I am still friends with his ex roommate. 

He ended up telling me he got a new job helping a Realtor. He would even send pictures of houses he wanted to buy for us with his fake money. Things got increasingly hard. There was always an excuse why I couldn't visit and in a heated argument he told me he was diagnosed with cancer. He told me it was brain cancer and he had to undergo chemo treatments. He said this was the reason why his personality changed so rapidly and why he ran away to New Jersey. I believed him. I believed him because I still loved him and I wanted a happy ever after. There was no proof he had cancer. I never saw him sick from chemo treatments. He would tell me he was going to the hospital for treatments or a check up, but he would never let me go with him. He told me he had cancer so I'd feel sorry for him and so I'd be roped in a little longer. He knew what he was doing. 

I saw him right before Halloween of that year. He was so different and so cold. There were so many lies. I didn't know what to believe anymore. I ended up giving him the ring back and called off the engagement. I told him I couldn't marry him if he stayed like this. I told him I still loved him though. We decided to still try and work things out and I went out to New Jersey to visit often. It was right before New Years of that year when we officially broke up. I found out he was dating someone else and he wanted me to find out. He made it obvious. He broke up with me in an email after I had questioned what the fuck was going on. I went home that night and ripped up every picture of us. I reached the breaking point finally!

For awhile I didn't know how to function. He was my world and my world ended. I had (still do) hard time trusting anyone even friends. He poisoned my world and the love that I had for him turned completely into hatred. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. I am not a hatful person but I want rabid dogs to feast on his danglers! Years have past and I still remember everything like it was yesterday. He is one guy that definitely needs to come with a warning label. Hazardous to all living things! They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If that's the case then I should be as strong as He-Man... Ok, ok maybe as strong as She-Ra. I liked her horse better anyway.

Don't let love blind you to the point where you can't see what's going on right in front of your face. 

Subscribe to Queer Dirty Laundry by Email