July 12, 2012

Kiss of Death

Blind dates are always hard. The anticipation of wondering what the other person is like and if he really does look like his picture. You hope the picture wasn't taken 15 years ago and you pray he has all his teeth (I've been on dates where he was cute until he opened his mouth and then he resembled a toothless redneck). And you wonder if he was sucking in his stomach in that shirtless picture he sent you? (We all do it!) Beer bellies can be cute. Personally speaking though, I think I'm more of an 'arm man.' You wonder if his penis really is THAT BIG or was the picture taken at a pleasing angle? Assuming he sent you a dick pic, which most likely he did because that's how guys say "hello" on gay social apps and websites.

The day of your date arrives. You choose a public venue where to meet. You know, just in case he is a toothless cannibal redneck waiting to devour the meat off your bones. Part of you hopes he is kind of cute and just devours your bone! Your palms are sweaty, you are nervous, and do what I call 'the sneak sniff,' where you nonchalantly sniff your armpits to make sure they still smell fresh. You look good, you feel good and confident. He shows up right on time. The first thing you do is the body sweep with your eyes. This is done for a split second, even before any words of greetings are uttered and he is doing it too! You realize he has a little beer belly, but nothing wrong with that. It's kind of cute. He was sucking in his stomach in that picture, but that's ok because yours was taken after a week on a diet cleanse where you shit everything out for a week. He looks at you, is totally polite and then it happens… He smiles and you realize he has ALL his teeth! Whether they are real or not, it doesn't matter. They look real and if they aren't well he can take them out while sucking on your peen.

The date is going perfectly. You're eating at a Friendly's Restaurant and joke that you're gonna get the Happy Ending Sundae and hope he doesn't think you're a slut for using such a reference. The conversation is good, there's no alcohol so you aren't sounding like a drunken idiot, but you kind of wish there was because you still are somewhat nervous and need to take the edge off. As you shove a pickle in your mouth you think about his penis again while still trying to pay attention to the story he is telling you about his cat. You stare at his lips and wonder what it might be like to kiss him. He of course is thinking all these things as well with the added notion of how your tongue will feel on his ass. He smiles at you, is very nice and the date itself seems to be going swimmingly. At the end of the date you bluntly tell him that if he isn't interested you don't have to go out again but he says "No I want to I had a good time!" You find him charming and interesting.

A couple of weeks pass. You are still exchanging text messages with your future gentleman caller. He asks you if you still want to do something that week and you say, "Yea that would be cool with me. I don't have any other plans for the week so I'm free whenever." He states, "Ok either Wed or Thurs work for me. Something simple like coffee or dinner. Your choice." You decide to keep the second date causal as well. Just coffee at a local Starbucks where you can easily have a nice chat and caffeine fix! Wednesday rolls around and you realize you haven't picked a day with him yet so you text him, "Hey I'm free for coffee tonight and tomorrow btw." He responds back, "lol I was gonna text you! How's tonight?" The plan is set in motion you meet at Starbucks. It feels like you both have only talked for a few minutes, but in fact it's been a few hours. You think about his penis again this time it's dipped in a carmel frappuccino all sticky and sweet smelling. Your mind drifts a little, but its ok he is picturing you naked bent over screaming "gimme it big daddy!" You think he is really nice and he tells you that he enjoys your company and conversation. He seems very old school which you find refreshing. At the end of the date he walks you to your car and you exchange a hug. You really want to kiss him or at least 'dick graze' him but you don't. You kind of feel like he wanted to as well.

Later on that evening you text him, "It was very nice hanging out with you again :)" He responds, "Me too, good conversation :)" You wait a minute and add, "I was gonna lean in for a kiss but I didn't wanna freak you out. Lol" You try to disguise your uneasy feeling about it with a "lol" but it doesn't work. He responds, "Lol… That's all good… I guess I'm a little old fashion with affection." This gives you mixed signals and sounds as if he really didn't want to kiss you. You wished he would have said, "Well I wish you would have" or "next time" but he doesn't say anything like that. Then you text him, "good night" and he says, "You too buddy." Buddy!? BUddy? buDDY? BUDDY?? That is like the gay kiss of death. You don't add in the word "buddy" if you're interested. You say, "you too." Bud, dude, and bro are also telltale signs of the non-interested. He went from potential gentleman caller to friend in an instant!

Of course your self confidence feels shattered and you start to analyze all previous potential love interests. You feel that the guys that you would totally be into aren't into you and the guys that are into you, you're not into. It's a vicious cycle, a love game that feels never ending. You think gay men always think something better will come along and that's why few want to settle down, but sadly nothing better ever does come along. It's like the internet tricks people into thinking there are more and better options available than there really are, so they don't pay attention to all the truly good ones that are already within reach. It truly is sad. You start wishing that some of your fag hags had penises so you could actually date them and then the thought becomes disturbing like shemales (no offense). You briefly entertain the thought of giving up and just becoming a slut, but then you realize the only relationship you'll end up with is the clap.

A few weeks pass and you're back to normal, you're back in the game. The cycle continues on. You hope the next one will be different from the last. You'll play that love game together until one of you gives the other one the kiss of death…

**Special thanks to Kevin Matthews, Bobby Bunny and Lola Daniels for the inspiration for this post…