March 11, 2013


As we stumble and fumble through our lives all we really want is to find that connection with another person. Everyone is looking for their own type of connections. Whether it be romantic, physical, friendly, or emotional we need other people in our lives to complete us. Without having someone love and care for us, our lives would feel rather empty. Whether it’s romantic love or friendship love, everyone wants to feel wanted on some type of level. We are programmed to care. Our relationships with other people are what shapes us and keeps us going. Friends accept who we are and help us become who we should be. Wouldn’t it be boring without friends, without these unexpected connections?
Love, it’s the word often sought after and the word often feared. Why are some of us scared of the love connection? Some my argue that love is just for poems and stories, but the writers of those poems and stories were in love or those poems and stories wouldn’t have been written. For everyone love is different. We all have our own reasons why. Everyone is slightly damaged, used goods with their own heartbreaking stories, but one thing is certain everyone is just waiting to get connected again.

Some people may say that they are happy being single and they don’t need love, but even these people are still looking for a connection. A temporary fix is just to put your D in some A. Words are empty but a penis up an ass is not. It fills the void. As you look into their eyes or in some cases, the back of their head, as they are biting the pillow, you are trying to fulfill a connection even if it’s just with their prostate for now.

I have been lucky in my life. I have made some worthwhile connections with people. I have awesome friends and continue to meet some amazing people. I have been in love and I have been burned by it, but it taught me a lot. In the end I realized it’s about wanting someone to look at this imperfect person and see me perfectly. Fortunately for me most of friends already see me this way (as they should) and that will have to do for now until the right guy comes along. I’m waiting here, standing still, until someone grabs my hand and wants to stand still with me. My hopeless romantic side will still remain hopeful.

Recently I made a very profound connection with someone who I thought I’d never actually meet, an unexpected friendship occurred in an unlikely place.
“What time is he meeting us?” Kevin asked while fidgeting with his phone as I turned down the radio in my car.
“8:30ish. We are going to be early, but I figured I could use a pre-meeting cocktail to relieve the jitters. I’m so nervous!” My voice was shaky as I answered back.
“Why are you nervous?”
“We’ve been emailing each other back and forth for over 5 months and just started texting each other like a month ago. What if he doesn’t like me? Like meeting someone is different than just emailing and texting them you know.”
“Jason don’t be nervous. You guys have been chatting for a while. It’s like you already have a connection. You’re like already friends.”
“Yeah I know. It’s weird he has read just about everything I have written for the blog. In a sense I feel like he knows more about me than I do about him. There’s just something about him.”
“The fact that he could be a serial killer and is gonna slash our throats and then roll around in our blood as he masturbates all over our lifeless bodies!?” Kevin said with a chuckle.

“You’ve thought about this way too much! Why you think Bobby’s meeting us there later? I figured if he turns out to be cray we would just push Bobby into him and run. He’s more expendable than we are.”
“Ha ha he totes is.”
We arrived at the bar finally. It was pretty dead, but that’s how I wanted it to be. I figured it would be a good a place to sit and talk before the rest of the Friday night crowd came out to get their drink on.
“I just texted him to let him know we were here.” I said to Kevin as we ordered our drinks. I ordered a cosmo mainly because they are good and because I knew the bartender makes them strong. When she handed me the rest that was in the shaker I could tell I had at least two more refills in there. Liquid courage is what the doctor ordered. Kevin and I sat down at the table closest to the door.
“He just texted back saying he is running a little late.”
“Not a good first impression.” Kevin stated.
“Oh stop. He doesn’t know the area really and probably didn’t know how long it was going to take him to get up here. You’re late to almost everything. At least he texted to let me know.”
“I’m just giving you a hard time. Still nervous?”
“Better now.” I took a big gulp of the cosmo and refilled my glass.
“You’re gonna be drunk by the time he gets here!”
“That’s the plan. Ok maybe just slightly buzzed.”
A guy came through the bar entrance. Kevin and I looked up from our drinks.
“What if it’s him!?” Kevin said jokingly while nodding in the direction of the door. The stranger that just came in was in his 60’s with a huge beer gut and was wearing suspenders. His jeans were so high up on his crotch he had the male version of camel toe.
“Ew! I know what he looks like! We have exchanged a bunch of pictures.”
“People lie about that stuff all the time Jason. Don’t you watch TV?”
“He isn’t lying about it.”
“Don’t worry I’ll protect you if he is crazy.”
The thought of Kevin protecting me made me laugh. What was he going to do? Bitch slap the guy to death with a limp wrist?

When Drew waltzed through the door I knew instantly it was him. He looked just like his pictures minus the army gear and uniforms. He was how I pictured him to be. He nervously walked over to the table and smiled at me with his hand extended waiting for me to shake it. I got up from my seat and hugged him. Screw the handshake! After almost 7 months of chatting back and forth I wanted to hug him. His face turned a little red as I threw my arms around him. I realized he had very broad shoulders and inappropriate thoughts of sitting on them did briefly cross my mind. Piggy back rides for days!
Upon letting him go he looked me in the eye and said, “Hi Jason.” I’m pretty sure I managed to stutter out a “Hi” too and a “I can’t believe you’re here” as well.
Drew shook Kevin’s hand and then turned to me, “Where’s the bathroom?”
“It’s over there by the bar.” I pointed.
“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.” I watched him walk towards the bathroom.
“He seems very polite. Is he how you pictured him?” Kevin asked.
“He’s taller than I thought.” I knew he would be polite from his emails. They always seemed very real and very sincere. It’s how I imagined he would be in person.
“That’s it?” Kevin asked with a half-smile trying to gauge what I was thinking about.
“Yeah I only met him for 30 seconds! Geez.”
“Yeah true, he could still be loony tunes.” Kevin giggled.
“Well he’s cute so hopefully if he plans on killing us he at least dumps a load on our faces before slashing our throats.”
Kevin laughs. “See what I planted in your head?”
“Um yeah! We are sick! We can’t talk like this when he comes back out!”
Drew came out of the bathroom and walked over to our table. He pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. The flickering lights of the bar caught the green in his eyes and made them dance. He was just about to open his mouth to say something to me and then got interrupted.
“So did ya kill anyone?” Kevin asked.
Meeting Drew felt surreal. He emailed me a blog submission back in July (DADT). That’s how our whole pen pal emailing began. He came across my Grindr profile while he was living a few towns away from me, before he left to go to Long Island for army training. My profile at the time was a black and white picture of my pecs. I know it screams “whore” but I used it to entice guys to check out the blog and hey it worked. Drew had read a few posts and wanted to submit his own, so one day he sent me a random email with his article attached. His email was short and he thanked me for writing my blog. I loved his article; it felt very real and gave me a perspective on what it might be like to be in his shoes.
Being gay and being in the military has got to be tough especially when you aren’t entirely out of the closet, but I would imagine that being completely out would make it more difficult. I couldn’t imagine being in the army and wouldn’t want to unless they had some sort of “Towel Boy” position in the showers. “Sorry all out of big body towels Jerome, here’s a hand towel.” Drew said I was pretty strong because I have the strength to live in a hateful world as an open gay man, but here he is about to fight for our country. I think we are both brave in our own way. People like him are the reason why I have the strength to be open.

Over the next few months after our first email I started to feel as if Drew was someone I could confide in. I even had a nickname for him. I called him “Mr. Specialist” which is actually his rank (SPC). You can just imagine all the sexual innuendos with that. When I would talk about him with friends they always referred to him as “my Army Guy.” In his own sort of way he was really becoming a part of my life. I was getting to sense it was mutual because he said he didn’t really have any gay friends to talk with and looked forward to our correspondence. He was easy to talk to. Maybe it was because I thought I would never meet him or perhaps it was because I felt the need to take him under my Fairy Godmother wings.
As Drew traveled from New York, Texas and Arizona we still kept in touch. There was even one time where I didn’t have a chance to respond to him as quickly as I would have liked and he got worried. I knew I had a friend in him. I was living vicariously through his writings about the guys he would meet, date, hook up with and I think he was living vicariously through my writings about being an out and proud homo. Together it just seemed to work.
I even gave him advice on how to bottom. He said, “It takes a real man to bottom” and when he tried all he could think about was “holy shit this hurts!!” and “oh my god I think I’m going to shit!” If it takes a “real man” to bottom than I must be the butchest thing ever!

Back in November we finally exchanged pictures. I figured after all this time it was about time. Plus when you add “army” to anything they instantly become hotter.

I was curiously to know what he was going to look like, but in the end it didn’t matter. I knew I had this emotional connection with him already, but it’s still nice to have attractive friends isn’t it? I have a serious fetish for guys in uniform. And military guys forget about it, even if they only had their dog tags on while power drilling my ass.

Just the thought is a turn on! We all have our fantasies. Drew turned out to be pretty darn cute and he asked to meet sometime. After exchanging over 20 emails I gave him my phone number. He texted me 30 minutes later for the first time.
After texting almost every day for a couple months we planned a night to finally meet. I held off partly because my schedule was crazy between Christmas parties and work and because I wasn’t ready to meet him yet. Although it is crazy I had qualms it wouldn’t go well. Putting an actual physical body to the emails, text messages and pictures seemed daunting. I wasn’t scared I’d be disappointed in who he was, I was more scared he’d be disappointed in who I was. Our fears are our own worst enemies sometimes and they place doubts in our heads. I wanted to live up to some of hype I created. I know the thought of losing someone before you even meet them is outlandish, but I had my Mr. Specialist in a bubble. I wasn’t ready to pop him yet or to share him with my world. So here we are at the bar Kevin, Bobby, Haley, Benjamin and Drew after seeing everyone smile and everyone getting along I regretted not doing this sooner.
A few weeks went by before I saw Drew again. After the holidays, once my work schedule normalized, we made plans to hang out. He came over to my house, which is practically like 25 minutes away from his parents (where he has been staying). When he walked through my door I gave him a hug hello.
“You didn’t have any problems?”
“No, I kinda knew exactly where you were. I go skiing up here.”
“Stalker!” I giggled and walked towards my bedroom to grab my shoes, Drew followed. “Here this is for you.” I handed him a bottle of Ménage A Trois wine. “I’m giving you the gift of a threesome.”
Drew laughed, grabbed the bottle and said, “Thankx, oh shit! Hold on a sec! I’ll be right back.” He quickly darted out my room and out the door. Thirty 30 seconds later he appeared again at my bedroom door holding two wrapped packages. He handed them to me. Both were wrapped in blue snowflake Christmas wrapping paper. I sat on the bed and placed them beside me.
“What’s this?” I asked. I could feel my face slightly flush with red and I hoped he wasn’t going to notice.
“A little belated Christmas gift. I had forgotten them when we met. They are just silly.”
I peeled back the paper on one of the packages and continued to rip it open like I was 6 years old on Christmas morning and to my surprise seven little green men in army gear and guns fell out on my bed. I started laughing as I sat them all upright on a little table next to my bed. I told Drew I wanted some army guys, but I guess next time I have to be more specific. The next package was a cute blanket rolled up in a stuffed dog basket. The dog’s face resembled my stuffed monkey I actually sleep with every night. It was cute.

“Aww could you be any cuter right now? Thank you. This is very sweet. The little army guys are hilarious! I have to figure out where I am going to put them.”
Drew smiled as I hugged him. “I’m glad you like them. They both reminded me of you.”
I gathered the little army guys up and placed them on my bar. I looked at all of them and picked one up. “This one is you.” The little army man was holding a phone and notepad while his gun was just strapped to his back. In my mind I thought this one resembled Drew the most because he does ‘behind the scenes’ things for the military and not ‘in the line of fire’ type stuff.
Drew looked at it and snickered. “Yeah I suppose you are right I am always on the phone and doing some type of report.”
“I’ll make sure I stick this one up my butt first… Kidding only kidding!” I laughed as I sat the figure back down on the bar.
“Uh huh, yeah sure you are.” I sensed the disbelief in Drew’s tone. His smirk and dimples had a cocky ‘I know better’ written on them.
The bar was actually busy and it was impossible to get a drink upstairs in the longue. Within 5 minutes of being there Drew was already getting approached by men. One guy said he had “nice sneakers” which is code for “want to fuck?” Drew just said “Thank you” and that was that. We sat downstairs where it was quieter and had a drink. My friend Dylan came out to see me and he sat down next to me at the bar. I had Drew on my left and Dylan on my right.
Shortly after introducing them a blonde older lady appeared next to Drew. She was waiting to order a drink and had her gay boys waiting next to her as well. She started talking to Drew and he pretty much had her at “I’m in the army.” She introduced him to her gay boys that were standing next to her. I knew both the guys, one was who Kevin and I refer to as “Cutter” because he has cut marks up and down his arm and always looks angry or constipated. And the other one was known for doing porn and putting huge things up his ass, Sloppy Bottomless. I didn’t care for either one and whispered to Drew, “You be careful with those two.”
“Don’t worry I’m not even remotely interested.” Drew said with raised eyebrows and a smirk.
“Ok I’m just looking out for ya.”
“I know. Do you want another drink?”
“Yeah sure, thank you.” I smiled at him.
“I’m sorry Jason.”
“For what?” I turned to face him and looked into his eyes.
“She is kinda monopolizing all my time with you.”
“It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.”
The blonde tugged on his arm to turn the attention back to her. Drew introduced me to her as he got up to use the bathroom and then she sat down in his chair next to me.
She picked up Drew’s smart phone and started playing with it.
“What the hell are you doing!?” I asked.
“Trying to figure out how to unlock this thing.” She stated.
I grabbed the phone by one end but the menopausal blonde bitch wasn’t letting it go and tried to smack my hand away. “I’m not letting you go through my friend’s phone. Let the fucking phone go right now.” I glared at her and she released it. I handed the phone to Dylan to hold onto until Drew came back and while I was doing so the Menopausal Blonde Bitch picked my phone up from the bar, unlocked it and started to go through it. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I snatched it out of her hands and she laughed at me. Drew appeared behind me on my right he was standing between Dylan and I. Dylan handed him his phone and Drew looked at him with a puzzled look. “She tried to unlock it.” I said.
“Thank you.” Drew smiled.
“I’ll be right back; it’s my turn I have to use the bathroom.” I got up and walked upstairs.
After leaving the bathroom I literally walked right into my ex Richard. I had said “sorry” without realizing it was him at first. We just glared at each other for a second and said nothing. The hatred I have for this man knows no bounds. When I got downstairs I sat down. Drew was again on the left and Dylan was on my right. “Richard is upstairs.” I said while looking at Dylan.
“He’s an asshole.” Dylan said.
Drew turned to me, “What’s wrong Jason?”
“I ran into my ex upstairs. Hey can you do that stealthy snapping of one’s neck move I’ve seen in movies? Like can’t ya just walk up beside him, snap his neck quick and just keep walking?”
Drew started snickering in amusement. “Um no, the army hasn’t taught me that one, but I can stab him in the neck in the right spot so he bleeds out quickly.” Drew reaches in his pocket and pulls out his knife.
“That will do.” I nod my head.
“Don’t worry I got you.” He smiles devilishly and puts the knife back in his pocket.
After doing some test tube shooters and having one too many gin and tonics parts of the night got hazy. We went upstairs into the lounge after it slowed down a bit. I didn’t see Richard at all maybe he had left or went downstairs. Dylan and Drew played pool and it reminded me of the standard male pissing contest except I wasn’t sure what the prize was. I think both of them just wanted to win. Drew won at pool, but just barely. I vaguely remember this, Dylan had texted me about it the next day, after pool Drew picked me up and flung me around like a ginger rag doll. We took out a table and glasses and hot tailed it out of there.
After arriving home I could tell Drew was a little drunk and seemed very tired so I invited him to stay over. He grabbed my stuffed monkey, curled up in a fetal position and passed out on my bed. I turned on the TV for a little white noise hoping it would make me sleepy. Five minutes later Drew was snoring ever so slightly and moaned out my name. “What boo?” I asked. He didn’t answer back. I thought he was still awake, but when I got closer and looked at his face he was clearly out for the count. I sat back on my bed and he moaned my name once more. I leaned in Drew was still sleeping.
I texted Kevin:
“Look Mr. Army Hottie Pants is passed out on my bed.” I took a pic with my phone and sent it to him.
“OMG! Is that my monkey!” Kevin replied back.
“Lol bitch it’s my monkey! He is out like a light. Snoring a little and he kinda moaned my name!”
“No way!? That’s hilarious! Well if you were going to take advantage of him now would be the time. Did you see his peen?”

“NO! lol you sick fuck!”
“Let me know if you decide to molest him.”
“Lol I will good night.”
Shortly after texting Kevin I curled up next to Drew and fell asleep.
I awoke the next the day and briefly forgot who was next to me. I wiped the morning from my eyes and I realized Drew was cuddling with me or maybe I was cuddling with him or perhaps it was just mutual cuddles. I was lying on his chest with his arm wrapped around me. He had me pinned rather tightly. I stretched out and moved over trying not to wake him and as I lied back down on my back he rolled over and draped his arm over my chest. I fell back asleep. I awoke again this time I was sandwiched kind of in his armpit and thought “Gee I’m glad he smells nice or this would have been awkward.” Drew stretched out and moaned. The beast had awoken.
“You make sure you tell Kevin I’m a better cuddlier than he is.” Drew said as he sat upright on my bed. “You are. You actually cuddle back. He just lies there like a bitch.”
“Good to know.”
“So you passed out right when we got back last night.”
“Did I snore?”
“Yeah and you said my name in your sleep too.”
“Yeah it was very funny.”
“I don’t believe that!”
“It’s true boo. I even texted Kevin because I couldn’t believe it.”
“That’s funny. I’ll be right back I have to use the bathroom.” Drew got up and walked out. I got up and looked in the mirror. Of course my hair was standing up all over the place I looked like one big blotchy mess from the liquor.
“So my fly was down. I don’t know what you were doing to me last night while I was passed out!” Drew murmured as he emerged back into my bedroom.
“Nothing I swear! Ok maybe I thought about it.”
“Yeah maybe your subconscious did it while you were sleeping.” He said with a smirk.
“Or perhaps you forgot to close the barn door after we stopped at Wawa after the bar.”
I have seen Drew a couple times since that night; one was Bobby’s birthday extravaganza in Philly. Bobby, Haley, Tina, Benjamin and I took a limo into the city and Drew met us down there after a family engagement. Where was Kevin you ask? Well he was on cruise fingering every butthole from Maryland to the Bahamas. He texted me while they were in Florida saying he forgot to wash his hands before he had breakfast. Nothing like eggs, bacon and a side of boy taint juice to start your day. The Philly trip was fun I got to see Knockers. He bought us all shots for Bobby’s birthday. Drew had only read about Knockers but after meeting him face to face said, “He’s very cute and hilarious, the sassy banter he was having with his friend was great.” All in all Bobby’s birthday was a success. He seemed like he had fun. He was talking to guys all night and laughing.

The last time I saw Drew he picked me up and we just went to the local bar. My friends met us out and I consumed one too many cosmos. I blame him though because he kept saying “Get another one, I’m driving.” Since then we talk regularly and I honestly believe he isn’t going anywhere. He’s part of the circle now. Even this summer when he will be deployed to Afghanistan we are going to keep in touch.

He is an amazing person. Who knew words on a screen could turn into a friendship. Sometimes in life we need someone to be there. Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel supported and connected. Drew has taught me to stay positive. My own worst enemy is self-doubt. It’s like he almost sees greatness within me, even when I don’t see it myself. He has taught me there’s a reason for everything, even though I don’t think he meant to.