December 27, 2010

Bah Humbug

The holidays have always been a hard time for me. It just seems as I grow older that Christmas magic  fades. When you're little it's always things you want, (Sit~N~Spins, Pogo Sticks, My Little Pony. No wonder I'm a homo!) but as you get older it turns into things you need. (Like underwear, socks, duct tape) Working in retail for about 13 years certainly takes it toll on your Christmas spirit! Hearing Christmas music 8-12 hours a day from Halloween till the big day can drive someone nuts! (No Teabagging here!) 50 versions of that Little Fucking Drummer Boy the one year! 50!!!! And the Glitter!! That freaking glitter from the ornaments that clings all over you and um ends up everywhere (Can we say sparkly balls? There's a "Disco Stick" if I ever saw one!) Have you ever gotten glitter in your eyes, it burns! (Kinda like something else does)

Christmas just isn't the same for me anymore. It shouldn't be about what presents you're getting or who bought you what, but it is. Then you have rude people that return their gifts on the 26th. (I like to call it "The Big Return") When I worked in retail I always had to ask what the reason for the return was and 95% of the time it was because they didn't like it. Some Christmas spirit let me tell ya! I am a big believer in the Re-gifting. If you have a present you aren't completely in love with, try giving it to someone else whom you know will love it or you know who really needs it. Gay it forward people!

Another reason why the holidays have been hard for me is because I've always been alone. I only ever had a boyfriend over Christmas and New Years once and he was the biggest asshole ever so that still wasn't a fun time. (Killed my Christmas Spirit again) Every year I ask Santa for a big hunk of man pie and every year is a let down. Not even a little slice of man pie. I'm ready to receive already! Come on Santa I've been good for years! (Well mostly good that is, but in terms of most of my friends I'm a freaking saint!)

This year has been a tough one. It's rather difficult when you have a crush on someone and no matter how hard you try you're still only viewed as the "Friend." (Story of my life!) Christmas Eve I was dragged out to the bar by Andy and Stalker. I actually had a good time. Andy was his sweet and charming self again. (Like a muscly teddy bear) Stalker lifted me up in the air and made me wrap my legs around him. Let's just say I didn't want to get off of that ride. Hmm more like I wanted to "get off" on it. Some drinks and some dancing Christmas Eve was a fun night.

I kinda felt like it was going to be the same normal Christmas morning until I opened my gifts from mom. She had gotten me a Wii. (and alcohol too. Finally got to use that Penis COCKtail Shaker!)  It totally surprised me and for the first time in 18 years I actually felt like a little kid. I ripped the wrapping paper off like how I'd rip someones shirt open and underwear off today! (or how I'd snatch money out of someones hand) It felt like a Christmas miracle. Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus! So what have I been doing ever since? Playing with my Wii of course and yes I mean the game system.

What will my future Christmases be like? I'm not sure. Hopefully one year I'll find that sexy hunk of man under my tree. I keep seeing commercials for that "Build A Bear Workshop." I think to myself wouldn't it be cool to have a "Build A Man Workshop!?" If I could take a little bit of character from each of my friends I truly think I would have the perfect boyfriend! Like Kevin's loyalty and sense of humor, Bobby's charming smile and shyness, James's comforting nature, and all over good heartedness, Andy's protective nature, and sex appeal, Knocker's sarcasm and boldness, and because without him it could get boring, just a tad touch of Stalker's craziness! There you go the perfect man! Maybe I need to market this whole "Build A Man Workshop" idea. Just have to make sure they are anatomically correct! Happy Holidays!