January 3, 2011
The New Year, a time for new beginnings, fresh starts and drunken stupid fun! Every New Year's people make resolutions to better themselves but for most people their hangovers will last longer than their New Year's resolutions! How many times have you made a resolution to quit a bad habit like smoking, junk food, drinking, excessive masturbation, porn addiction, sleeping with straight men and didn't keep it? Sticking to a resolution is harder than an 18 year olds morning wood. Bobby's resolution is to go to the gym more, will he keep it? Knocker's resolution is to not eat medicine like a pack of Smarties Candy and cut back on the Grey Goose. I just can't picture him giving up the Grey Goose. There's enough vodka in his bloodstream that if he was in a freezer he wouldn't freeze! Stalker said his resolution is to find a boyfriend. I'm going to monitor the missing person reports closely. I'll let u know if he finds one. Haha! Of course my resolutions started out with the normal ones like to find a job. I love this writing thing but it ain't paying the bills. If you like to make a donation cash, checks and major credit cards are acceptable. Make checks payable to.......... (haha Just kidding ok maybe I'm alittle serious! Mama needs new shoes!) The most important resolution I've decided to make didn't actually occur to me till after the weekends past events unfolded.
New Year's Eve I had plans to go out with Andy, Stalker and Jordan. (Andy's current boyfriend or whatever he is) The evening started out great. We went out for dinner, saw a movie and Stalker got us a hotel room not far from the Stonewall. We could walk and not worry about driving. After some dancing, drinking and spilling vodka all over myself, (the horror! I can't believe I wasted a drop!) we went back to the hotel. Andy and Jordan in one bed and Stalker and I in the other bed. This is where I overreact! (Cue: evil music)
Stalker turns out the light and Andy jumps into bed with us. He continues to tickle Stalker in a playful manner. Then Andy jumps back into bed with Jordan. Stalker then jumps into bed with Andy and Jordan. It was dark I couldn't really see anything and it didn't sound like anything was going on, but I was getting seriously uncomfortable. Here I am alone in a strange bed feeling rejected and letting my mind wander. (Like maybe they were all going to hook up or something.) I said, "You guys I'm gonna leave!" I get up turn the light on. Stalker goes in the bathroom (to avoid the drama I think) and Andy and Jordan are just spooning on the bed and looking at me as I pack my shit up and storm out. I walk to the parking lot and just stayed in my car for an hour. The whole thing was just a big mess! Stalker continued to text me all night to see if I'm ok. He was really worried about me. I finally get home at 4:30am. I still can't believe I stormed out like that and acted that way. Emotions and alcohol got the better of me. Jealousy took over.
The next day I apologized to Stalker for leaving. He said it was ok and not to worry about it. I had planned on hanging out with Kevin and Bobby later Saturday evening. I figured Andy would probably show up and I could try to talk to him in person. While we were out I filled Kevin and Bobby in on what had happened the night before and how upset I was at the situation. Kevin's fabulous college friends were out as well and it was so much fun to hang out with them. Bethany was adorable and so sweet. One thing I have to say about all his college friends are they are all freakishly tall! I felt like an Oompa Loompa. Who wants to put their Willy Wonka in my chocolate factory?
Out of the corner of my eye I see Andy appear. He literally walks right passed me and pretends like he didn't even see me. Ut-Oh! Kevin and I notice he starts talking to Bethany's friend Austin. (Who is tall drink of something or other. He's very attractive but I did have the urge to force feed him a dozen cheeseburgers!) I've known that Andy and Austin knew each other previously. They have gone to a couple movies together but it hasn't really gone anywhere past that. As I explained this to Bobby he chimes in with, "For christ sake that boy (Andy) just needs to stay home for once he knows everyone!" Kevin said, "Let's go say hi." Kevin walks up to Andy and he gives him a hug, but totally ignores me. All I get is a "hey what's up?" and a look as if he was looking right thru me. Andy never looked at me like that before and never said such a cold hello to me. He continued to basically ignore me for the whole evening. I tried talking to him a few times. Kevin seeing how upset I was becoming took matters into his own hands. He basically used Andy as an emotional punching bag and insulted him left and right. Making fun of his accent and background! Making him sound and look stupid in front of everyone and even said he should go fuck himself with the camel he rode in on! In Kevin's defense he was just standing up for me and ten minutes before we saw Kevin's ex there and they had some words. All this built up frustration he had towards The Ex just was unleashed on poor Andy and Kevin was pretty wasted to boot.
The next day Kevin and I woke up (he usually sleeps over when we go out) and he leaves like he normally does. I text Andy to let him know that Kevin has a Christmas present at my house for him and I'll bring it next time I see him. He texts me back and starts going off! I had completely blacked out on the fight Andy and Kevin had the night before! It started to come back as flashes the longer Andy texted and I started to feel more and more horrible about everything. I felt like I was about to lose one of my best friends completely. I text Kevin (he was about to go into work) and told him what happened. Kevin didn't remember anything about the fight and after I had told him everything (including the fact that he made Andy cry) he felt awful as well.
In the midst of feeling like I was about to lose Andy's friendship I finally admitted to him that I've been in love with him for 9 months and I was very sorry for everything that happened. He didn't really react to what I said other then the tone of the messages changing. They went from being angry to just being hurt. It's almost like he was relieved I told him and finally understood. He said he wanted to stop talking to me all together after what happened but realizes he couldn't do that. After I explained everything and actually really opened up he said he wasn't mad at me anymore and that he cares about both Kevin and I so much. (We were his first real gay friends after all and we are pretty freaking awesome if I do say so myself!) I just feel bad because I let everything build up for so long. So what will happen now? I don't really know. We've made up. I promised I would be honest with him from now on (and be honest with other people instead of keeping everything in. This is my New Years resolution) and that nothing like this would happen again. We will talk it out. Kevin and Andy have made up as well and we are all planning on getting together this coming Friday. Kevin's New Years resolution is to not let people from the past make him make bad decisions that could hurt the people that matter to him today. Oh and not to be such a slut. (Old habits die hard!)
How do I feel about telling Andy Everything? Well part of me is relieved it's all out in the open and there's a part that is really sad because nothing really will change. He loves me but not in that way. I feel like the friendship is more important though so I'm trying to stay focused on that. Things change, people change who knows, but hopefully now I can move on. It's the New Year time for a fresh start.