January 18, 2011

Hot Mess

This blog entry is dedicated to Marissa Maxwell. You will always be forever in my heart and I will never forget you. Thank you for always being there and making me smile. I will miss you. May you rest in peace.

Philly here we come! Kevin and I decided to spend a couple nights in Philly this past weekend. Our original plan was to visit Kevin's cousin Jelissa and spend sometime with Knockers and our friend Edward. (We met Edward at Ian's penthouse party back in October. He was the drunk guy who kept trying to undress me.) Some of our plans didn't work out. Jelissa apparently got the bird flu (We stayed clear away from her. She's lining her living room with newspaper and craving sunflower seeds as we speak!) and our Friday night plans to spend time with Knockers got canceled due to him being in a car accident. (He's ok!) My friend Edward was gracious enough to put us up in his Philly apartment Friday night and Saturday night. I've been in contact with him ever since the penthouse party. We chat pretty regularly with the occasional sexting thrown in and have become good friends. He's a sweet guy.

Edward gave us a tour of his apartment. It was small but a quaint one bedroom apartment and in the perfect location. He is close to his work and close to everything. (Gayborhood was only about 10 blocks away) What more could you possibly ask for? He lived in a decent neighborhood and when you looked out of his living room window you could even see a hot naked straight guy in the apartment across the street! We only had a mini show on Saturday night. The straight guy was about to have sex with some girl and then Kevin got to close to window and Mr. Straight guy closed his blinds. End Scene!

After our tour and some drinks we headed out on the town. We grabbed some food, drank a big bottle of wine and then hit the gay bars. We started at Tavern on Camac where Kevin had an interesting conversation with a straight guy that was there. Apparently this guy was dating this kinky girl who liked to have anal sex and he asked Kevin if he should make the girl buy him new sheets because she basically shit all over them!? The answer to this question is a big YES! If you accidentally do poopie doops on someones sheets for the love of god replace them! Shit happens. Nothing says loving like a 700 count Egyptian cotton "I'm sorry I shit all over your world" gift. Seriously sometimes I don't know how we find these people or why they talk to us.

After Tavern we headed over to Woody's this is where things get alittle blurry for me. After lord knows how many drinks and some dancing I apparently thought it was a good idea to try to pick Edward up in the air! Well I fell and then Edward landed right on my left leg! Kevin said everyone looked at us and then everyone looked at him as if he pushed us. Kevin said, "I don't know who they are." Such a hot mess! In fact I think my leg is actually sprained I've been walking like a penguin that was fucked by a walrus (They have the second largest penis in the world.) all weekend long. At Woody's we ran into some of Edward's friends and even ended up going to a house party after. (There was a rumor that Gwen Stefani was there, but we missed her.) The party was interesting. Kevin ended up making out with some 60 year old guy on top of all the guest's jackets on a bed. Can we say hot mess?

When we got back to Edward's apartment at 5:30 Saturday morning we all were more than a little wasted. Edward turned, looked at us and it was skin to the wind. He stripped down completely naked and jumped into his bed screaming, "I'm naked y'all!" Kevin and I both climbed into bed with him. I was in the middle. Edward took my clothes off all except my underwear and Kevin passed out. Edward and I kinda kissed alittle and then we both passed out. The next morning I awoke to Kevin snoring next me and my head resting on Edward's chest with my hand around his penis. Haha. Umm how'd that get there!? Kevin said he woke up to Edward and I kissing and me laughing and saying, "stop it, be good." Edward and I went out into his living room,  we let Kevin sleep some more. Ok! Ok! I'll admit there was some NC-17 stuff going on on that couch, but nothing really happened. It was nice to actually receive some attention. For some reason Edward makes me feel safe. He's cute, sweet and perhaps if Kevin wasn't in the apartment things would have gone further. BUT then again maybe not. He's kinda in a "situation" with someone else and me with my high morals I don't want to get into the middle nor do I deserve to be someone's second choice. (I know he would never intend for that, but it would feel that way.)
I went into Edward's room and woke Kevin up. He had some serious morning wood. You could house a small Mexican family under the sheets. He looked at me, laughed and said, "You can't call me a whore anymore!" The difference between Kevin and I, is he probably would have went way further then me. We really are totally different people. Once a whore always a whore. Haha

We nursed our hangovers (poor Edward was suffering) and filled each other in on the missing parts of the evening. It turns out we all forgot some things. Like my falling and wondering why my leg hurts, Kevin's make out session with the elderly and Edward's naked romp.
After we got semi decent looking for the public (Kevin said I looked like Jon Benet Ramsey either before a beauty pageant or before she got murdered. Some how I don't think that was compliment.) We headed out for brunch. The food was really good but service was awful at National Mechanics.  (have no idea why a restaurant/bar is named that.) I mean seriously was Juan Valdez making my coffee?!

Kevin and I invited our friend Lynn down to hang out with us in Philly Saturday night. She was going to come down first and then her boyfriend Jon was going to head down. While we waited for Jon to get to Edward's we ate pizza, pre-gamed with the Four Lokos (three of us shared two cans, the stuff tastes like an ass soaked in gasoline.) and margaritas. We all were feeling good. Lynn stripped down to her bra and thong (apparently everyone gets naked in this place) and danced in front of Edward's apartment window. We were hoping the naked hot straight guy across the street would see her but alas he did not.

Once Lynn's boyfriend Jon arrived it was off to Tavern on Camac. Tavern was so packed full of sweaty gay men I felt like I'd get an STD just standing there. We had a good time. Edward and I danced a bit. Some stranger was grinding up on my ass. (I thought it was Kevin at first.) Jon tends to get frisky with Lynn after he drinks too much. He kept sticking his hands down her pants and smelling his fingers. Even made Kevin smell his finger. I actually thought poor Kevin was going to throw up. Bearded claim juice is something a gay man does not want to smell!

We all ended up going to Uncles Bar after to meet up with Knockers. I missed his face so much. He always makes me laugh. He bought me a Grey Goose on the rocks. (Glad to see he is sticking to his resolution of cutting down on the Grey Goose, yeah right!) We kinda had a free show while we were at the bar. Across from the bar there was this creepy older man. He looked like he had a white Chick Lit stuck up his nose and he kept flailing his arms to the music. At first I thought maybe he thought he was some kind of bird and was trying to fly home. It was creepy and amusing all at the same time. At one point Knockers went over to the other side of the bar and Chick Lit Guy grabbed his hand, so Knockers could flail his arms too. I laughed so hard I was crying. Later I asked Knockers if the Chick Lit Guy hit on him and he said, "Of course. I told him to "fuck off". He then called me a bitch! I said to him you, "talk to me like that again and your gonna choke on that chick lit cause I'm gonna ram it with my fist down your throat!" Knockers said the Chick Lit Guy got up and left after that. Maybe he went to find an Altoid for the other nostril. Seriously was the strangest and funniest thing I ever saw!

After saying goodbye to Knockers (my visit was way too short. I seriously need to get "down there" to play with him more often!) we then did our usual tradition of going to Wawa for hoagies. This Wawa was the busiest one I've ever seen! It took a good half hour to get our food! As we waited of course we got into mischief! Kevin peed in the alley way with some stranger, (Can we say indecent exposure?) Lynn was drunkenly slurring about Indians and trying to say, "Hinduism" (I don't know) Jon was stealing small bags of chips (and probably still smelling his fingers) and Edward (whom was the sober one) kept me from falling over because my leg was hurting so badly!

Our walk home was very long. My leg felt like it was going to fall off. I was walking like an old lady whom got fucked by two traffic cones! I would have given anything for my Grandma's walker at that point! Lynn always tends to be over dramatic when she's drunk and because she had heels on she kept screaming, "My flesh is burning off the bottom of my feet!" My favorite part of our walk home is when Kevin screamed, "I am a very respectable person!" and then he fell flat on his face. He actually kissed the sidewalk. I told him that was the equivalent of lightning striking him. Hello karma!  I wish I would have had video of that!

So our hot mess weekend in Philly was a success! We left Sunday late afternoon after having brunch with Edward. I miss it already. I had such a good time (despite my leg) and I hope to visit more often. Hopefully next time I won't injure myself. Ugh, I'm such a hot mess.