February 8, 2011


VD (Not Venereal Disease although can be just as scary!) or most commonly known as Valentine's Day sends every male in a relationship into a panic, gay or straight. It's set in most men's DNA to wait till the very last minute to find a gift or come up with a date plan. Why do men attempt to impress their date? Well they wanna get laid! They wanna get their monkey smacked! But what is all this fuss about VD anyway? If you're single it can be depressing and if you're in a relationship it can be frustrating! Who started all this lovey dovey shit? Hallmark? A small dwarf like baby creature running around in a diaper shooting people with heart shaped arrows? Or perhaps the candy companies. (Willy Wonka and his Fudge Packers?)

The history of Valentine's Day isn't really exact. It seems as if it all began around 270 A.D. Who Valentine was exactly is still a mystery. According to the Catholic Church there was at least three Saints named Valentine all of which were put to death for not giving up on their beliefs. One legend states that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. Emperor Claudius II was ruling and banned marriage because he believed his soldiers were stronger single. He believed marriage made the young men in his army weak because they became emotionally attached to their wives and family. He outlawed all marriage and Valentine realizing this injustice refused to abide by Claudius's rules. Valentine continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret until he was imprisoned and put to death. According to the legend Valentine fell in love while he was in prison to a young girl (Being he was a priest it mostly likely was a young boy and the fact he was in prison he probably was named Bubba!) who was the jailor's daughter. Before Valentine was put to death he had left the jailor's daughter a note declaring his love for her (or him) and he signed it, "From your Valentine." It is said the reason why we celebrate Valentine's Day on the 14th of February is because Valentine was put to death on this day around 270 A.D. Although the exact story is unknown and each legend has it's own theory they all still emphasize Valentine as being a heroic symbol for love. Perhaps we need a modern day Saint Valentine to stand up for the rights of gay marriage! I guess anyone whom stands up for their right to love another could be considered a Saint Valentine.

Today VD is very commercial! All the retail stores are filled with themed items in red, pink and white, boxes of chocolates are heart shaped and the greeting card aisle is filled with sweet cheesy cards that just end up getting thrown away. I wonder if K-Y lube gets a spike in sales?  Restaurants are filled with over priced menus just for the special day and men eagerly awaiting the check so they can finally get out of there and get some ass.

VD is ruled by Hallmark and they say that 85% of all Valentine's are sent by women. I think the remaining percentage must be sent by gay men! Don't you miss the days in grade school where you sent those little Valentine's to everyone in your class? (Even that smelly weird kid that used to eat his own hair!) You know the ones, back in my day they were Smurfs, Carebears, Transformers, etc. Now those Valentine's are replaced with Justin Bieber (Excuse me while I throw up I can't stand HER!) and Hannah Montana. (I wonder if she's smoking anything in them this year?) Back when you were little  VD was easy, now as an adult it can be rather depressing and filled with unrealistic fantasies on how love should be.

My previous VD experiences were less than grand. I've always been a big believer on sweet gestures. Don't get me wrong jewelry is nice (I like shiny things as long as they don't turn me green.) but I would rather have something that came from the heart, than something that was bought just because. Wrapping your penis up in a pretty pink bow isn't going to work either. Most importantly It's not about how much money you spend, it's about what you and your partner do together.

My first VD with my ex Richard was awful! I wrote him a poem and framed it, got some champagne, new champagne glasses and figured we would have a quiet evening of watching movies. Well Richard didn't do anything for me for VD at all. I didn't even get a card. He complained he didn't have any money. (But yet he bought himself some new clothes!) I Told him he didn't need to buy me anything at all, but he could have at least done something to show he cared! He totally didn't get it at all! He could have made me dinner, ran a bath for me, gave me a massage, you know something! So what did we end up doing? I watched a movie while he talked on his phone. The next day he drank all the champagne I brought over, I didn't even get any. He ended up buying me "gifts" a week later! You know after all the Valentine merchandise went 75% off! A box of chocolates, body wash, body lotion, and a stuff dog wearing a heart that said, "I ruv roo." He was completely clueless.

For all of us that are single VD is just a reminder that we are single. It sucks moose balls! Bobby said, "I think Valentine's Day is kinda sad for me every year because it's an entire day devoted to something that I have never had. I would love to have a valentine, but if or until that day comes I am just not a fan of it." Most of my single friends feel this same way. Maybe there should be a holiday for single people? Like a "Love Thyself Day" (most of us celebrate this everyday anyway sometimes twice a day) where all the couples have to send all their single friends a card or something! You know Hallmark probably already has cards like these. Kevin told me that he is his Mom's Valentine every year. He always gets her something small. Typical gay son! He said, "Its a holiday created by Hallmark! It was cute when we were in Elementary School and everyone handed out cards, but now its just retarded!"

All my couple friends seem to be keeping it low key this year. They are spending quality time together at home with their toys and love swings. (Fuzzy handcuffs anyone?) Most restaurants will be crowded with breeders anyway. I know a few times in the past I have gone out to dinner on VD with my previous boyfriends and the straighties sometimes tend to stare. It's like being at a zoo and we are the monkeys that are touching themselves and flinging poo. So what are my plans this year for VD I have no idea. I did have a very brief thought of maybe buying Andy a Valentine card, but I changed my mind. I'll just send him a cute text or something. Getting him a Valentine won't change anything.   As long as there is vodka in my freezer and a Juicebox in my fridge (boxed wine) I think I'll be fine. Some words of advice for all you boys out there trying to impress whomever your Valentine is; keep it simple and from the heart. Sometimes the simplest gestures create the biggest impact and may all you peeps get some booty.