April 7, 2011

"I'm Naked Y'all!"

The weekend I've been dreading finally appeared. Edward has accepted that job in Atlanta, Georgia (He actually leaves on April 14th, my birthday of all days!!) and this past weekend was his going away party. I knew it was going to be a rollercoaster of emotions going into it, but I had no idea that I'd feel the way I feel. Edward invited me to stay with him for a few days and to celebrate his going away with his friends and colleagues. I knew it was going to be a difficult weekend for me and certainly for him, but I wanted to be there for him as much as I could.

I got into Philly around 3:45pm on Friday. Edward met me about half way from the bus station to his apartment. We met up around 5th street but I could literally see his smile a block away. He was already dressed for his going away party; dark purple blazer, dress shirt, vest, green plaid pants and black boots. There's only two people who could pull off this look, the Joker and Edward. His pants were so tight it looked like he was smuggling an animal in there. We went back to his apartment, after some shellac and sandpaper I was finally ready. We pre-gamed a little which probably wasn't the best idea considering we both had empty stomaches and off we went.

We ended up making a pitstop at The Hard Rock Cafe for another pre-game drink after all no one should be early to their own party. There has to be the "diva grand entrance." Edward told me the only thing he asked of me all evening was to watch him and make sure he didn't do anything stupid and for him to not get so crazy drunk in front of people he worked with especially. He wanted me to make sure he paced himself because he had a feeling everyone would be buying him drinks. This is going to be interesting. We arrived at The Field House for his party. Which was actually a sports bar. (I know me in a sports bar? What am I diesel dyke?) We had the entire upstairs to ourselves with our own bartender. Drinks for us were half price. This had "hot messes" written all over it with a side of trash.

So trying to get Edward to pace himself was just as hard as trying to get a 16 year old to keep his hands out of his pants, impossible!!! I lost count after the sixth drink and kept trying to send him over to the food table to eat something. The diverse group of people at this party was insane. There were Straights, Gays, Lesbians, probably some Bis, Blacks, Whites, Chinese, Latinos, Friends, Co-workers, Old, Young, etc. It's like Edward was Ellis Island and we were coming to America. I seriously have never seen such a mixture of people together. (Ok well maybe just at Wal-Mart) Edward's love for everyone slowly came to the surface as he started making out with everyone. AND I mean everyone, senior citizens weren't even safe! (He certainly gave Kevin a run for his money!) As a going away care package I think I'll send him Abreva, Herpecin, and some Orbit Gum. (Dirty mouth? Clean it up!) Things got even more interesting when he decided to strip for everyone, yes we got video and he proceeded to play seductively with an umbrella. Some of the faces of the people were priceless.
My friends Enrique and Knockers showed up. Neither one of them knows each other or Edward, but they came out to celebrate and of course to see me. I had so much fun with Knockers. We finally got our picture taken together after so long. (We either always forgot or they didn't turn out cause the bars were way too dark.) I swear that boo always makes me wet down under. Knockers left after a couple hours, but planned to meet up with me again. Trying to round everyone up to go out afterwards was very difficult. This isn't Brokeback Mountain I'm not good with sheep. I wish I would have brought a leash for Edward or at least one of those child harness things. We finally left the bar after having some drama with Edward losing his phone. His celebrity contacts are in it and I seriously thought he was gonna have a Lindsey, Britney, Mariah kinda meltdown, but crisis averted. His friend Maddie found it. We started walking to the bar. We only had about 5 blocks to go, but Edward turned to Maddie and said, "Walking is hard!" Taxi!

Once we got to Tavern On Camac I texted Knockers to tell him where we were. Edward grabbed me by the hand pulled me in the bathroom with him and made me go in the bathroom stall with him. He thanked me for coming to see him again and kissed me. I felt like I just kissed 50 people. (Alcohol kills germs, right?) He then proceeded to pee directly in front of me. (Sorry I'm not into "water sports") We were all standing around the dance floor where the sofas were. Edward was everywhere! He was dancing, grinding on the floor (yuck the dirty floor!) giving people lap dances on the sofa and etc. The other people in the club kind of kept their distance. It's funny if you were to look at the pictures taken that night, people that didn't know Edward stayed away. There was clearly a defined space around him. It was like watching the scene after an accident. All these strangers where "Rubberneckers." You couldn't stop watching the train wreck.
My turning point of the evening is when I turned around and saw Edward making out with Enrique hardcore. It was one thing for him to be all touchy feely and affectionate with people he knew and I didn't. It really bothered me to watch him make out with someone whom he didn't know and who was also a good friend of mine. I really felt disrespected and totally neglected. Almost like I was some sort of second choice. When I yelled at him to stop and when I told him to pace himself he then screamed at me in front of everyone. I was texting Kevin throughout the whole ordeal and he managed to calm me down some. Once Knockers arrived at Tavern I walked away from the party group to cool down and have fun. (My Irish, German temper is something one should never mess with. It takes a lot to piss me off, but when I am, hold on to your testicles!) Knockers gave me another drink. We danced for a bit. He kept unbuttoning my shirt and pinching my nipples. (My nips were seriously sore the next day. Boo has a death grip!) When Knockers left I was really sad. Visits with him always seem way too short. I'm so glad he was there. Especially after what happened. He was the only one at that moment who could have cheered me up.

After reviving a drunken lesbian (I did almost everything except tickle her pooter. Um it's like a scary cave and I don't wanna go near it.) and gathering up Edward's posse it was time to go. We had to take a taxi back to The Field House so we could get Maddie's car. At this point there was only 4 of us Lucy, Maddie and myself in the backseat of the cab and Edward in the front. Why on earth did we put him up there? Why?? The big huge taxi driver asked us if we were gonna pay with cash or credit? This for some unknown reason sent Edward off into a drunken rage! He yelled at the taxi driver and said "It doesn't matter what we are paying with, you just do your job and drive." He then kept going on and on how the Philly taxi drivers are all scam artists and he threw in there "Do you know who I am? Do you know what I do?" at least a few times. Maddie and I just looked at each other in amazement that this driver didn't just smash Edward's face in. We kept apologizing for his behavior and were so glad when we finally got dropped off at Maddie's car.

While we were in Maddie's car Edward had a mini emotional melt down. He kept saying he was all alone and that he was never going to see any of us ever again and that his life was over blah blah blah. When I told him not to think like that and it wasn't true he flipped on me again and said that it wasn't about me (which is weird cause I never even said anything about myself.) and he kept going on and on. He started crying again saying "I'm all alone." In the next breath he exclaims, "We're going to Wawa, right?" In the next breath he sobs, I'm never going to see you guys again." In the next breath he said excitedly, "I really want cheese!" Then back to the sobbing some more. Holy mood elevators Batman! At Wawa Edward used the touch screen to order his Tuna Hoagie then disappeared. The hoagie makers called Maddie over and asked her if he really wanted all that stuff on his hoagie. Apparently he went touch screen happy had selected ketchup, mustard, oil, vinegar and other stuff to go on his tuna hoagie! I called out to Edward to try to find him (mind you this Wawa is small) but no answer. Finally I yelled, "Marco!" He answered back, "Polo!" I followed his "Polos," but everytime I got close the fucker moved. Finally I found Edward standing over this young (probably late teens early twenties) kid who was stocking the shelves on the floor. Edward looked mesmerized. I said, "What on earth are you doing." Edward pointed to the kid and said, "I watching him pack cookies!" I told him to leave the kid alone. He looked a little scared. I don't blame him if some drunken fool was staring at me stocking shelves I think I'd be scared too. It was definitely time to leave when Edward introduced the Cashier to the Stock guy as if they have never seen each other before.

Back at Edward's apartment he blow up the spare bed for either Lucy or Maddie to sleep on. He asked me to get the spare sheets from the closet and as I put them down he ordered poor Maddie, "Make this for Lucy to sleep on!" Lucy really just wanted to sleep on the couch. Edward was eating his hoagie on the blow up bed but he was so drunk he couldn't even stay on the bed. It was like he was in one of those kiddie moon bounce things. I'm really surprised he didn't get any tuna juice anywhere. I put my PJs on and came back out. As I was talking to Edward he pulled my pants down! I had no underwear on! Maddie was behind me so she got a little moon and I think Lucy now knows that the carpet matches the drapes! Edward stripped down all his clothes hopped into bed and started to call my name. I said good night to the girls and went into his bedroom. He yelled at me that I had too many clothes and proceeded to strip everything off me. We just laid there for a minute and then he sprung out of bed, opened his bedroom door and peeked his head out. He made sure the girls where paying attention and then flung the door open run out in the living room completely naked and screamed, "I'M NAKED Y'ALL!" (The next day Maddie told me she lost her appetite for her hoagie and had to throw it away after seeing that.) I personally wished I could have seen Lucy's face. It must have been priceless. He then jumped back into bed with me. Pulled me over so I was laying on his chest, kissed me softly on the lips said, "Good night" and passed out. Thank god!
Saturday Edward woke up around 8 and then I was up shortly after. Lucy had left already for a bus and Maddie was nowhere to be seen. Apparently she left in the middle of the night and went home she couldn't sleep. Lucy had thought Maddie crawled into bed with Edward and I. Yeah that would have been a pretty sight! Two Naked Fags And A Hag. Sounds like Logo's new sitcom! Maddie picked Edward and I up and we headed off to Atlantic City for the day. The road trip was the perfect opportunity to talk about the night before. Mr. Drunkity McDrunk didn't remember anything and frankly didn't believe half the stuff I told him he did. Maddie reassured him what I told him was basically true. He did apologize to me for yelling at me. I realized he was drunk. We all do stupid shit when we drink. I am far from perfect there. Atlantic City awaits. I'm really not much for gambling unless I can gamble with someone else's money and keep the winnings, but I had fun just people watching. We started at the Borgata and headed to the buffet we all were starving. The Borgata Buffet was pretty big. It had everything you could imagine. Of course the line for the fried chicken was long and the line for General Tso Chicken was long. This after all was the land of big hair and shiny tacky outfits. To sum up my adventure in Atlantic City here is my favorite quote, "I'm gonna go to the battrum so I can eat some more." Apparently this ghetto fabulous lady had her buffet strategy down. I am not worthy of her Yoda like reflexes. After Atlantic City we headed back to Philly. We all ended up going out to dinner at this dive sports bar where I partook in drinking Coors Light from a bottle!! At this point I was practically a lesbian. All I needed was a Justin Bieber haircut and I'd be set. Our night ended with Edward and I cuddling on his couch and watching a movie.
Sunday after Edward got out of work it was off to Tattoo Moms on South Street so he could say goodbye to his friend Melissa (her real name) that works there. She was fabulous! It turns out she owns Cookie Confidential. We of course had to stop in there. I have to say after sampling some of the cookies they are fab. I know quite a few gay boys who would fuck for these cookies. (Bobby would give handjobs for em) She makes everything handmade in this tiny little oven. It looked like an Easy Bake Oven on steroids. To quote a lady that was in the cookie shop while Edward and I were there, "Oooh these cookies taste like food!" Um duh lady! Melissa was telling us about the time Adam Joseph from abc network came in to make cookies with her for a story. Below is a shirtless picture of Adam Joseph. (You're welcome!)

So if you're ever around South 5th Street in Philly stop on in Cookie Confidential. Tell Melissa or whomever is working we recommended it. For info check out cookieconfidential.com

Sunday night ended with Edward and I cuddling on his couch, which turned into touching, which into kissing, which turned into um..... The illustration below gives you an idea.

Do I regret sleeping with Edward, yes and no. Part of me doesn't want to feel like just a number or just another boy to him. There's also a part of me that is glad it happened because I do have feelings for the guy and care about him very much. I guess this is the part where I'm really naked. Bearing your soul and admitting you like and care for someone is probably the most vulnerable thing one can do. I'm very conflicted by the whole thing.

Monday Edward took me out to dinner to this little Mexican place. The weather was beautiful. We walked and talked and had a few laughs. On Tuesday he texted me during the afternoon with "Don't hate me." It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know this isn't good news. It turns out his best friend of 19 years only had Tuesday night free (my last night in Philly) to spend with Edward before he moves to Atlanta. She wanted him to spend the night with her at her house. I totally understand and if it was my best friend I would want to see her too and vice versa, but it didn't make the situation suck less donkey dick! My last night in Philly and I had to spend it alone and without the person I actually came to the city to see. I was very upset, but I didn't want to be the reason why he couldn't see his best friend before he left. I wasn't about to get blamed for that. After he packed his stuff for the night and I hugged him goodbye. (I had to drop his key off the next day at his job so I'd see him again right before I had to go to the bus station.) After he left I was upset and cried a little, but ended up covering it up tequila he had in the freezer.

The next day I packed my stuff up. Edward had asked me to come for breakfast (He works for a hotel remember?) but I had told him that I overslept. I didn't oversleep. I didn't want to go to breakfast and be all sad and upset especially at the place he works. When I got to his hotel I gave him the keys. I said goodbye trying to hold back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. He said, "It's not goodbye, it's I'll see you later." Which is something I've been saying all weekend. He told me I have a free round trip ticket anytime I want to go to Atlanta to see him. I told him I would visit and I turned, put my sunglasses on to hide my puffy eyes and walked away.