October 24, 2011

Advice: Sexually Incompatible

Hello J,

I am 20 years old and My boyfriend is 24. I have been with my boyfriend now for over 3 years in a monogamous relationship. He is the first person that I have been with, but I am NOT his first. Lately (last year or more) I have been getting the urges to explore new avenues. The thing is, I love him very much, and I want to be with him. We are just not sexually compatible. I have tried to talk about it with him, but he doesn't want to lose me or share me. He tells me he doesn't want me to be shared with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything without him along. I just need that space. I feel like I want to try new things with other people, and I don't want to cheat on him. I am not really sure what I should do. If I break it off with him, I feel like I will regret it later down the road. I also feel if I stay with him, I may cheat on him. What are your thoughts...

Thank you 

Dear Sexually Incompatible,

Congratulations on the 3 years together you guys made it passed the terrible two's. Relationships are hard! There's a lot of give and take. Both of you are so young. I think maybe the reason why you feel the need to spread your legs grrr I mean wings is because he is being too clingy. Your early 20's are suppose to be a time for you to explore and figure out what/who you are. This is the time where most guys "sow their oats." You need space to grow. Perhaps the reason he is clingy is from issues from a previous relationship. In that case there's really nothing you can do. It's his own inner demons. You should be able to have your own friends and own activities outside of the relationship though. (Well as long as it doesn't involve cheating of course.) It's healthy. You can't spend every minute with each other that would drive anyone nuts, no wonder yours aren't getting licked. Just remember no matter which friend or what activity you do, don't be shady about it. Always tell your boyfriend what you're doing or going. It will make him feel more secure. Remember to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if it was you?

Very few guys your age are in a committed relationships. Most go for the "Open Relationship." An open relationship is when you see other people purely for sex, but stay with your boyfriend for the emotional connection. I know a lot couples that engage in this and each have their own set of rules. Some only "play" together, others hook up with guys and never discuss it among each other and then some only hook up with people they both approve of. Ultimately most open relationships never last. I've seen couples get jealous because the trick was into one more so than the other. Plus, people change! Sex seems important now, (and it is important to a degree) but down the road when you're older you're going to crave that emotional connection more so than that penis in your ass. I don't think an open relationship would work in your case. You stated he doesn't want to share you with anyone and since being in this type relationship involves sharing bodily fluids with strangers it's not going to work.

Since you guys have been together for over 3 years, you should be able to talk openly about what you want sexually. Communication is the key. Since you feel you are sexually incompatible you need to tell him exactly what you want. Guys are clueless sometimes you need to spell everything out for them. If you have a fantasy, see if he would fulfill it for you and vice- versa. Maybe there's something he wants you to do for him. Most likely you aren't really sexually incompatible, It could be you're just stuck in a sex rut. When you're together for awhile, after awhile sex starts to feel like a chore. I suggest you try spicing it up alittle. “Whips and chains excite me!” Role playing could be a good idea in this case and it's the only way it will feel like having sex with someone else without actually cheating on your boyfriend. I personally like men in uniform. So talk about your fantasies with each other and try to rekindle that fire.

Cheating is never a good idea ever. If he ever finds out he will never be able to trust you again and what's a relationship without trust? Remember talking to each other is always the best thing. If you're truly unhappy though perhaps the best thing you can do is break up. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you're the donut hole to his banana. Good luck.

Make good decisions,