Okay, okay don’t get me wrong, I love dick. Sure, I watch porn. I enjoy photos of naked men, but that’s pretty much it. I have concluded that everyone is obsessed with dick except for myself.
We live in a penis-obsessed society. There are annual festivals in Japan worshipping the penis. I don’t live in Japan obviously, but it feels like everyone is phallic cray around me. Everyone is like “Ooo penis, and I’m over here like, ‘Can I get some cheese fries?’”
I became increasingly aware of my indifference over the summer on vacation. I was on vacation with three other gay men for a week. They, of course, were actively seeking dick, and I just wanted to meet someone to talk to. Needless to say, I didn’t have that much fun. I was surrounded by gay men and felt completely alone because there was no one that was like me. Everyone was only interested in hooking up and blowing a load.
As I’m getting older, I have discovered that there is, in fact, no one that is like me. Even the “nice guys” aren’t that nice. So if they are finishing last, then I must be stuck in reverse.
I can count on one hand how many sexual partners I have had. This includes all sexual acts; oral, anal, mutual masturbation. I had relationships with all of them. I wouldn’t call myself a prude. I have a mouth like a sailor, I write gay erotica and I’d be the first one of my group of friends to see a hot foreign guy and say, “I wanna put his dick cheese on a cracker.” of course I wouldn’t mean it. I would just say it because it’s vulgar and funny. I had sex a lot with my partners, I like sex, but I have always treated sex as a form of connecting with someone I cared about. Therefore, as you can see one-night stands are not my thing.
I wish I could be like the general gay public. Most of my friends open their mouths and bam a penis falls in, and they seem happy about it. I don’t know where my moral compass comes from. I’m not saying their promiscuous behavior is wrong; I’m saying it is wrong for me. They say, “Hello” by sending pictures of their dicks to strangers, and I say, “Hello” by saying, “Hello.” Sure, I appreciate a nice dick pic, but it is more of a turn off for me. I always look at it like this, if he is sending it to me, he’s sending it to other guys, and there goes that special feeling. My friends obviously use Grindr for hooking up; I use it to sell books. I admit it is funny. When I’m in a different location or city guys look up the info and then proceed to buy a copy of one of my books. It happens all the time. At least there are guys out there that like dick and reading.
I have been told that I am boyfriend / husband material, yet I’m single. Most gay men can only commit to their Netflix subscription so you can see why this is problematic. I don’t want the “open” relationship or be that couple that “plays.” I have tried dating sites that are supposed to cater to men looking for something more, but it is just the same guys that are on Grindr with nicer profiles. Maybe I need to move.
As you can see, I am in a rut. It’s rather lonely on this side of the rainbow. I feel like there’s no one that feels this way and even talking to my friends about this is hopeless. They don’t understand. They say, “Just get some peen already.” Hoping on some D will temporarily make me feel great, but the aftermath of “Why did I do that?” will haunt me, and I’d be worse off. I have a feeling the only dick I will ever be obsessed with will belong to my future boyfriend… wherever he is.