Okay, okay don’t get me wrong, I love dick. Sure, I watch
porn. I enjoy photos of naked men, but that’s pretty much it. I have concluded
that everyone is obsessed with dick except for myself.
We live in a penis-obsessed society. There are annual
festivals in Japan worshipping the penis. I don’t live in Japan obviously, but it
feels like everyone is phallic cray around me. Everyone is like “Ooo penis, and
I’m over here like, ‘Can I get some cheese fries?’”
I became increasingly aware of my indifference over the
summer on vacation. I was on vacation with three other gay men for a week. They,
of course, were actively seeking dick, and I just wanted to meet someone to
talk to. Needless to say, I didn’t have that much fun. I was surrounded by gay
men and felt completely alone because there was no one that was like me. Everyone
was only interested in hooking up and blowing a load.
As I’m getting older, I have
discovered that there is, in fact, no one that is like me. Even the “nice guys”
aren’t that nice. So if they are finishing last, then I must be stuck in
reverse.
I can count on one hand how many sexual partners I have had.
This includes all sexual acts; oral, anal, mutual masturbation. I had
relationships with all of them. I wouldn’t call myself a prude. I have a mouth
like a sailor, I write gay erotica and I’d be the first one of my group of
friends to see a hot foreign guy and say, “I wanna put his dick cheese on a
cracker.” of course I wouldn’t mean it. I would just say it because it’s vulgar
and funny. I had sex a lot with my partners, I like sex, but I have always treated
sex as a form of connecting with someone I cared about. Therefore, as you can
see one-night stands are not my thing.
I wish I could be like the general gay public. Most of my
friends open their mouths and bam a penis falls in, and they seem happy about
it. I don’t know where my moral compass comes from. I’m not saying their promiscuous
behavior is wrong; I’m saying it is wrong for me. They say, “Hello” by sending
pictures of their dicks to strangers, and I say, “Hello” by saying, “Hello.” Sure,
I appreciate a nice dick pic, but it is more of a turn off for me. I always
look at it like this, if he is sending it to me, he’s sending it to other guys,
and there goes that special feeling. My friends obviously use Grindr for
hooking up; I use it to sell books. I admit it is funny. When I’m in a different
location or city guys look up the info and then proceed to buy a copy of one of
my books. It happens all the time. At least there are guys out there that like
dick and reading.
I have been told that I am boyfriend / husband material, yet
I’m single. Most gay men can only commit to their Netflix subscription so you
can see why this is problematic. I don’t want the “open” relationship or be
that couple that “plays.” I have tried dating sites that are supposed to cater
to men looking for something more, but it is just the same guys that are on Grindr
with nicer profiles. Maybe I need to move.
As you can see, I am in a rut. It’s rather lonely on this
side of the rainbow. I feel like there’s no one that feels this way and even
talking to my friends about this is hopeless. They don’t understand. They say, “Just
get some peen already.” Hoping on some D will temporarily make me feel great,
but the aftermath of “Why did I do that?” will haunt me, and I’d be worse off.
I have a feeling the only dick I will ever be obsessed with will belong to my
future boyfriend… wherever he is.
