March 20, 2011

It's All About The Banana

Dick, Cock, Tool, Wee-wee, Weenie, Pee-pee, Weiner, Ding Dong, Mini Twinkie, Winky, Thang, Member, Organ, Johnson, John Thomas, Wilson, Willy, Stick, Schlong, Wang, Choad, Pecker, Prick, Hog, Package, One-Eyed Trouser Snake, Tally-Whacker, Heat-seeking love missile, Beef Bayonet, Pork Sword, Little Soldier, Baloney Poney, My little pony, My other head, Power drill, Magic wand, Joystick, Jack Hammer, Frankfurter, Captain Winkie, Summer Sausage, Basket, Long John Silver, GodZilla, Super Secret Agent Hosepipe, Willy Wonka, Wrinkles, Tubesteak, Dirty Banana, Mr. Winkie, Mini Me, Junior, Discostick, Coke Can, Pole, Harry Truman, Frank and Beans, Banger and Mash, One eyed monster, Hulk, Fun Stick and so on and so on! There's so many nicknames for the penis. Do you have one for yours? A gay man's penis is his "best friend" so here's some fun statistics I've discovered. Some of these fun facts where taken from the web and offers were from asking guys. Of course I have to throw in my two cents and personal expertise as well.

-Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Wow that's a hot sticky mess

-Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
If he's gay you have to add an extra 2,000 to this. They say gay males "spank the monkey" twice as much as straight men do. Thank you gay porn. Hey gay sex is hot! You straight men have no idea what you are missing.
-A Man's orgasm can last up to 22 seconds. Delaying orgasm for as long as possible increases the intensity. One tip: usually when a man is on his way to cum or about to his balls tighten and go up inside. To delay the orgasm gently pull his balls back down. "Ouch! I said gently"

-Average percentage of the male population that masturbates: 60%

-Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

-Average percentage of the male population that say they don't masturbate: 40%
Lying mofo's!

-40% of men say they feel guilty about masturbating.
These are probably the ones that have lied about it or they are priests.

-Average number of times a man masturbates a week: 3
They say 16-18 year olds do it 6 times a day and 20-23 year olds do it up to 3 times a day! Horny fuckers! I wonder how many guys are touching themselves while reading this!?

-The most popular time of day for masturbation: early morning, before bed, after school, and after work.
It's said that playing with your Wang Doodle is a stress reliever and helps clear your head. You are also less likely to have cancer issues from your prostate if you pleasure yourself daily. Wank away boys!

-Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
A spoonful of sugar really does make the medicine go down.

-Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Think of it like this the, average bathtub holds 35 gallons! That's a lot of "man juice."

-Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
You figure the average speed through city areas is around 25 miles per hour. Your little swimmers are fast fuckers.

-Average number of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Dr. Pepper has 150.
Jenny Craig and Weight Watcher's approved!

-Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
You pigs are getting out your tape measures now, aren't you?

-Average length when erect: 5.1-5.5 inches
Sorry size queens this is true! Remember it's not the size of wand, but the magician behind it.

-Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
It isn't mine thank god!

-Largest natural penis recorded: 13 inches
"Well hello there!"

-The average Internet length (Internet user) of a penis: Add two inches to your current length and use the username Hung4you or thick10incher

-The average gay male length: add 2.5 inches to your current length and wear a cock ring under your clothes.

-The countries that are home to the men with the largest penis's are: France, England, Denmark
Looks like we found out where we should vacation. Hello foreign hotties!

-It's a myth that black people have bigger penis's.
Probably started by a black person. As Ellie Grace would say, "I love you more than black cock!"

-Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet
The most common penis animal joke, "Walrus's have the second largest penis in the world.......I have the first." Snooki has said she doesn't swim in the ocean because it's full of whale jizz.

-Most arousing time of day for a man: early morning
Good morning wood! It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an A.M. erection. Teepees can be fun. The best way to get rid of morning wood is to masturbate or pee. Peeing can be dangerous wear goggles. The most common practice to conceal ones wood is to place your penis straight up so it peeks out of your underwear waistband. Your waistband should keep your Johnson in place. Make sure you wear a T-shirt before leaving your bedroom. How long does the Morning wood last? It varies. Some men have the erection only for a few minutes others have it longer.
-Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, stop drug use, start exercising, lose weight.

-Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ.
I find that chicken fingers and wawa hoagies put me in the mood. How bout you? Sometimes all you need is that ten inches. Ten inches of hoagie that is.

-Average number of erections per day for a man: 11
It's just natures way of saying, "I like you come pet me."

-Average number of erections during the night: 9
Let's play blanket monster!

-Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
Ew breeder sex!

-Time it takes the sperm to travel that: 2.5 seconds
Seriously who the fuck times this shit??

-Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Aww the poor little guys most of them (and um all of them if you're gay) will die horrible miserable deaths when they reach open air! Moment of silence for the little lost fellas.

-Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Save your money get em at the bar! It's called a recession people.

-Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

-Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

-Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm

-Number of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: almost 6

-Only six percent of the male population need the magnum sized condom. Regular sized and even small condoms accommodate mostly all men. Typically magnums are only bought to boost the ego. Magnums are good for men that are bigger than 8.5x5.5. (seriously email me haha!!!) If you are smaller than that then a regular condom should be fine. You don't want it to look baggy like you have a Hefty bag on your penis.

-In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste. The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. Acidic fruits are said to give it a sugary pleasing taste. Even most alcohol does the same. (Thank god cause I drink like a fish) Pineapple juice is said to be one of the best to um sweeten up your spooge. Have your vodka and pineapple juice boys it's the best of both worlds. It's a shame the pineapple juice does nothing to sweeten up some personalities. Other examples of good fruits are: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes.

-Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice,
chocolate, doughnuts (is that why cops are always at Dunkin' Donuts?), pumpkin pie (No wonder I'm always horny on Thanksgiving!) Let's get some Glade Plugins!

-Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower, pool, ocean, river
When wet...blow dry

-Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false. Stop shaking your heads this is not true!

-The percentage of uncircumcised males in the United States varies widely by age. Circumcision was once a very common in the U.S., but in the past 20 years the number of newborn males being circumcised has dropped from over 80% to under 40%. Among American men age 20 or older, probably fewer than 25% are uncircumcised. Among American men under age 20, probably more than 60% are uncircumcised.
Personally I have no preference on this as long as hygiene is good. It's fun to play peek a boo.
-According to a survey of 20,000 people posted on a Web site, 25 percent of men prefer boxers while 32 percent prefer briefs. Another 28 percent prefer boxer-briefs, and 4 percent prefer thongs. A whopping 7 percent prefer to go commando!
In my personal research it appears that underwear popularity goes in this order:
Thongs and other.
80% of the men I asked were gay from the ages of 21-45. It appears that certain men wear multiple pairs of underwear during the day for different things. For example: everyday use; boxer-briefs or trunks, working out; briefs, lounging and sleeping; boxers, play; thongs and jockstraps. Among gay men the most popular underwear style was the trunk (also called army trunk, sports trunk and boy shorts) which is a shorter square-cut type boxer-brief. It's like if a boxer-brief and regular brief had a love child that's what you would end up with. The most popular brief among gay men is the "no show" style brief. They are cut really low (manscaping required) and you can't see the waistband when u wear pants. These aren't your old man's tighty whities!

7 Reasons A Gay Man Manscapes His Monkey
60% of all men regardless of sexual orientation and race shave or trim their pubic area. The rest need to!

1. Cleanliness. The crotch is a focal point for heat, sweat, and bacteria. Cropping or removing your pubic hair makes that area much easier to keep clean, and more importantly, smelling clean! He is more likely to spend some time down there if you keep that area well maintained.
2. Manscaping and shaving can be quite erotic, and not just to you! It's like a fun slip-n-slide.
3. It's more inviting. It looks prettier and says to your lover, "Hello, put me in your mouth." Don't forget to pay attention to removing stray hairs from your shaft as well. Hair in the mouth sucks! (Cough, hairball) I already flossed this morning thank you.
4. Don't forget the scrotum. Guys shave your balls. A silky smooth ball sack invites both manual and oral caresses. Hello Teabagging! If I need a weed-whacker to get through the jungle forget it!
5. It's healthier. He'll see immediately that you have no skin outbreaks or unwanted "critters" to hide. Crabs aren't on the menu. You will have greater manual sensitivity when you perform your periodic testicular self-exam as well. The earlier you catch any problems, the easier they are to fix.
Learn more about Testicular Self Exams
6. It's fun! Let your partner shave you. That's right, let him shave you! This is an exercise in trust! One wrong move and your frank and beans could end up looking like dog food. It could be a very highly suspenseful erotic thrill ride though if done correctly. The danger of an ultra sharp razor in such a delicate area, the tension of long slow razor strokes, the aching of your pulse-pounding hard-on, and the foamy friction of his manly shaving-creamed hand on your cock can intensify your pleasure. I suggest if you're in a relationship you should try it. Just don't make any sudden moves, use lots of shaving cream and make sure your partner takes their time. I highly recommend you try shaving yourself first though before you ask your partner to do it with you. It's better you practice the shaving alone in your own time first.
7. Perhaps the most important reason to shave or manscape is it makes your penis look bigger! I'm not kidding! You will swear that you gained at least an extra inch in length! Even huge guys wish their penis's was bigger (all guys wish their penis's was bigger) well this a good way to create that massive illusion. I'm sure most gay guys have discovered this miracle, but there's still some that are unpolished so to speak. If your wang isn't groomed regularly, you most likely have hair at least part way up your shaft. Your Tally Whacker "appears" to begin where that hair ends. Remove the underbrush and your hidden length will be revealed. Bada bing bada boom it's like miracle grow for your Johnson.

Ok well for the first time ever I think I'm all penised out! Ok, ok maybe not. I hope you all learned a little something about your "best friend." He sure is a wonder make sure you give him a hand or um two.