April 16, 2012

Tell Me What I Want To Hear

In every relationship of any kind whether it be friendship or love everyone has committed the crime of telling their lover or friend what they want to hear. In many instances these little lies are harmless. Like when your boyfriend asks you if he pounds your ass the best and you say, "Oh, hunny you're amazing! I've never had it so good." Little does he know your previous boyfriend tickled your G-spot every time and made you cum three times in a row. Or it's the lie you tell your best friend when he asks you if the wide horizontal striped shirt he is wearing makes him look fat. And you say, "Oh no, you look muscular!" When you're really thinking he looks like one of those fat kids Jerry Springer once saved from being stuck inside a white trash trailer home. Sometimes not telling the truth actually saves hurt feelings, but when does the phrase, "Honestly is the best policy" come into effect? Sometimes you need the truth in order to move on or correct something in your life no matter how painful it may be.

JT and I have been talking again. (For background info on JT please read the post: Love, Lies, and Lollipops) Actually we never really stopped talking but just recently it became more frequent. He's been having some legal issues and faces possible jail time. I reached out to see how he is doing. I really do still care about him a great deal. I have always called him "the one that got away" and always felt that our story wasn't over yet. In a lot of ways I still loved him and I wanted things to be different between us.

Over the past couple months JT and I would text back and forth. A couple times he asked when I was going to visit him in Florida (he moved back again from Tennessee.) and even though I wanted to I just thought it was a bad idea. Number 1: I couldn't afford the plane ticket and Number 2: I was protecting my heart. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I would fall for him again and then have to leave. One night while I was at work and he was out probably drinking his text messages changed:
"So why can't you come down here?" He asked.
"Well I can, but I need money to go."
"Well just gas money dear." He stated.
"Are you talking about a vacation or to live down there?" I asked puzzled
"Whatever you wanna do. My apartment lease ends in August and I want to move downtown. Do you have anyone that would move down here with you?"
"I don't really have anyone." I answered still puzzled as to where this was going!
"Well what if you did and I'm not joking around."
"I don't know. Maybe I would consider it."
"We did always get along so well. I will admit I think about you a lot and there is never a bad memory."
"I think about you too. Probably more than I should." I answered with my heart completely on my sleeve!
"Ditto! I'll call you in a little bit." He replied.
"I'm at work now. Finally found a job. The pay is crap but at least it's a job."
"Hmm maybe you can transfer down here!" He said.
"What I make isn't gonna give me much for rent down there."
"Who said I was going to charge you for rent? What exactly are you afraid of?" He asked
"What about the whole possibility of you going to jail?"
"It's going to happen or it isn't. I'm either staying put or I'm not. So why does that scare ya?" he asked
"Because I don't want to be left alone while you're Bubba's sex monkey slave in jail!" I answered only half joking!
"Haha love it!" he said
"To be honest I don't want to fall for you and then get my heart broken." It was the most honest way I knew how to answer.
"What if we were in a committed relationship? I totally get what you're saying, but we will never know if we don't try. I've thought a lot about this. You know we'd already be 3 years in a relationship by now! That's the scary part!"
"I know we would have been together for 3 years." I said shockingly! I couldn't believe what he just said!
"Right!? I can't move back north right now but I would in time if I had too and for the right person. I'd do anything for the right person."
"I'd do anything too for the right one."
"Well boo transfer work. Baby, come join me!"
"It's not really all that easy, but I'll call you later. We can talk about it some more." I tried to say rationally, but my head and heart were at war with one another.

I called him when I got home, but all I got was his voicemail. I couldn't believe after 3 years of still having a flame burn for this man that he finally said everything I wanted to hear in 30 minutes. He wanted me to move down there to live with him and he was open to us starting where we had left off 3 years ago! I'll admit I was happy. I sent some of the text messages to Kevin. He knew everything I went through with JT and Kevin became my voice of reason. "Something is off and what about the jail thing?" Kevin asked. "I know. I know he has been depressed and he doesn't know about jail yet. We are only talking about it nothing more. I didn't say I was going to move." I answered trying to stay level headed, but still feeling high from my earlier conversation. "I just don't trust him. I think he has some sort of motive in this whole thing! He may not remember bad memories, but I do. I remember how upset you were. I just don't want you to get your hopes up or to get hurt." Kevin said honestly. Kevin was right, but my heart wouldn't admit it. I decided that night that I'd be open to at least talking about it with JT and we'd see where it goes.

The next morning JT called me early I of course missed it because I was still sleeping, but he said he would call me after work. For the first time in a long time I woke up happy thinking about the possibilities of the future and day dreaming what it would be like. I hate my current situation and as much as I tried to fight it I let the brief idea in that maybe JT was going to be my hero to save me from it all. And perhaps maybe I could save him a little bit too. Then it all came crashing down. In thinking that I would make a rash decision about my life, Kevin chatted with James about what was going on. James texted me, "We need to talk and you're not going to like what I have to say about JT."

It's funny how sometimes you think you know who the hero of your story will be, but then there's a twist and it turns out they were actually the villain. James continued to text me a book, apparently JT had been sending him cock pictures and asking James to leave Sean. (Like James would ever do that!) He said he would be waiting for him. James admitted that this has been going on for a long time and when JT was up here visiting he actually flashed James his peen without me knowing it. It gets worse from here. JT told James that he was never in love with me and that he was just having fun. James threatened JT to leave me alone and to stop playing with my emotions, and he said for awhile he thought it worked.

I sat there trying to process everything and all I could answer back is "You should have told me all this before!" James apologized. I sat there. I became angry. I was mad at Kevin for getting James involved and I was mad at James for keeping this secret from me for years! Then it clicked. It was like a light switch went off in my head. Kevin loves me and was just concerned. He knew if I wouldn't listen to him, I'd listen to James. James has just been trying to protect me all these years. He was trying to spare my heart. But what he didn't realize is if I would have known the truth sooner I wouldn't have given JT the time of day. I would have been heartbroken, yes but I would have moved on from it a lot faster. Finding out someone never loved you is devastating, but going through life thinking the only reason you're not together is because of distance and life getting in the way is worse!

Everything I thought I knew was wrong. I felt like everything JT ever said was a lie and everything he had just said was him telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He didn't want me to move there to be together. He wanted me to move there for his own selfish reasons. I was going to be a substitute for happiness until he felt there was no need for me any longer. I was supposed to uproot my life for this? Actions speak louder than words and right now his actions were screaming at me! Here I thought life would greener on the other side, but it only seemed greener because JT was fertilizing it with his bullshit! I of course confronted JT with all this. I couldn't wait till he was home so I texted him. I told him what James had said and I told him, "Perhaps I wasted a lot of my time thinking about you in any kind of way. I feel like everything was all a lie now." He never responded. His Facebook status was, "Going M.I.A. for awhile." He still hasn't answered the message. His silence actually spoke volumes. It means he couldn't deny anything James had told me. It was all true.

I moved all JT's pictures into a private folder on my computer so I wouldn't have to look at them. I didn't have the heart to delete them. I was so happy in those pictures, but out of sight, out of mind. I hate thinking that I didn't mean anything to him. I think that's the hardest part of it all. He is just one of those shady ass men that should be lined up in a row while little people use their nuts as punching bags! He must be the type that tells you what you want to hear in order to get what they want. I refused to cry over him. I think you're only allotted so many tears per guy; and I used all mine up.