May 2, 2012

The Unbirthdays (Gays in Wonderland)

Perhaps Alice had the right idea when she climbed into that rabbit hole to escape all her troubles. If only I had my own White Rabbit that would lead the way to my personal Wonderland. Here I am another year older, another year gayer and even though my life seems to be getting somewhat better I'm still not where I thought I'd be at 33. I always use birthdays as a way of reflecting the previous year. I'm not sure exactly why I do this because it usually is very depressing. I always think about the goals I set and the ones I never accomplished. I rarely focus on the good things, which is bad. Although my financial situation has improved I still have a long way to go. If only your credit score was scored on life experiences and heartaches. I'd have a decent score then. It's a shame you can't cash in your heartbreaks like you can with frequent flyer miles. In an effort to forget my troubles and enjoy a much needed weekend away Kevin and I planned a trip to Philadelphia. Our goal was to celebrate our birthdays together (we are only two weeks apart) and to invite friends to come down and play with us. We chose the weekend in between our two birthdays as our "Unbirthday" celebration!

Now Philly may not exactly be Wonderland, but it's the closest thing we had. The friends Alice makes along her journey in Wonderland actually remind me of my friends in real life. Instead of tumbling down a rabbit hole Kevin and I took the train. That coincidently drops you off in the city underground. Our own personal White Rabbit (Bobby Bunny) and Kile (Who if I had to compare him to an Alice in Wonderland character it would be the Caterpillar. The Caterpillar was always wise, mellow and smoked his hookah like a chimney! Kile smokes cigarettes the same way.) decided to drive down separate and meet us later. I like the train. It's always a cultural experience. The only place I have seen this many ethnicities is at Taco Bell. The train ride is always relaxing. You don't have to worry about traffic or finding a parking spot in the city and the people onboard are always interesting. I've seen so many people take the train to the city while carrying handles of liquor. They don't even try to conceal the liquor bottles; it's always out in the open. We hid the 99 Bananas bottle that I bought Kevin for us to do shots with in between my blow up bed in the bag. We have some class after all. Some would probably think the train ride is boring, but Kevin and I are easily entertained. Give us a potato sack and we'd have a blast with it! We are both crazy or as he likes to say "cray, cray!" ("This shit is cray, cray!" Kevin changed the lyrics to "Call Me Maybe" and it was stuck in our heads all weekend!) That's why of course he would be my Mad Hatter.

We arrived in the city early so we could hang out with Kevin's cousin Jelissa. We were staying with her. He didn't want us to get there late and be like, "We're here, we never see you, now let's get drunk!" Jelissa is bubbly, fun and crazy too. She is "as mad as a March Hare," excitable and unpredictable like Kevin. It apparently runs in the family. She was late meeting us at her apartment (like always) and had to run a good few blocks so she wouldn't keep us waiting. She was out of breathe, giggling fiercely and could barely get a sentence out. I could just imagine this crazy little woman running through the streets of Philly with her arms flailing about and her flip flops smacking the pavement in an aggressive excitable manner! You know the sound flip flops make when you try to run in them. "Flop, flop, flop, flop, flop!" It's incredibly annoying!

Traveling always seems to make me hungry, thirsty and horny no matter how far from home I go. Jelissa suggested we try El Vez which is a contemporary Mexican restaurant down the street. The wait was over 45 minutes, so while we waited we walked to a clothing store to find Jelissa a new blouse to wear that evening. While she browsed the racks for a top, Kevin and I browsed Grindr for one. Jelissa found one that fit, but sadly we didn't. We walked back to El Vez and waited for our table. While outside we chatted about the last crazy adventure we had in Philly with Jelissa (see post Sinful) and how her best friend Sue said Kevin was a bad influence on her because she made out with a girl. After hearing some of the story a stranger that was standing right next to us said to Kevin, "Um, yeah you are a bad influence!" Even strangers can pick up on this apparently. I think once in awhile the devil on Kevin's shoulder roofies the angel on the other side and he has the ability to persuade people to do things they normally wouldn't do. I want that power!

Dinner was fabulous; margaritas, nachos, chicken enchiladas, and beef tacos! It was our version of the "Mad Tea Party." Alcohol makes every party better. We didn't have tea, but we had tequila! Our dinner conversation consisted of; sharting, douching, and other bodily fluids and noises. You know appropriate dinner chitchat. Kevin telling us which guy he wants to shart on his face. Don't worry it's just an expression, he isn't serious. Well… At least I hope not! Jelissa assured us she had gas relief meds at her place and to eat as many beans as we wanted. I didn't want Kevin to fart me into oblivion and I of course douched my ass for this. A clean hole is a happy hole. At the end of dinner George shows up to meet us at El Vez. He of course was his somber self, quiet and a little shy. He is the only other person I know who is more socially awkward than Bobby, but just as sweet. He's the Dormouse of our "Mad Tea Party." Sometimes I wonder what he is thinking about when he is so quiet and other times I wonder if he is still awake. George showed up just in time to have a birthday churro with us. They came with some kind of warm cinnamon chocolate sauce that I would have dipped anything in! Jelissa tried to sing happy birthday to Kevin and I, but it was short lived. When she realized no one else was joining in she stopped after "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear…" and sunk back into her seat a little embarrassed. "Check Please!"

We went back to Jelissa's apartment to hang out for awhile and "pregame" before our night out. Bobby and Kile finally showed up and like good friends, bought Kevin and me each two bottles of liquor for our birthdays. This has "Shit Show" written all over it! Jelissa had to jet off to a surprise party, so she was frantically trying to get ready. She said we could stay in her apartment, do whatever we wanted and she would meet us out at one of the bars later with her boyfriend. I suggested we go through all her stuff, try on her clothes, take pictures, upload them to Facebook and then tag her in them. The other boys weren't thrilled with this idea, so we drank. While Kevin and Kile went to get drinking supplies (ice, cups, mixers), Jelissa and I said "hello" to her gay neighbor Blake. He answered the door naked! Well, sadly I couldn't see anything the door was covering his body just his arm, shoulder and head were peeking out. No twig and berries! He said, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" and I thought 'Wow happy birthday to me!' He was getting ready for a night out as well. I could smell his cologne or body wash coming off his body. If this would have been a porno, I'd be some type of delivery boy! Blake said he'd meet us out too if he got a chance. He was heading to another bar on the other side of town. Jelissa headed out to her party and I went back to her apartment to drink with my boys. When Kevin and Kile finally returned they all asked me what I thought of Blake since I was the first one to meet him. I played it off like I didn't think he was attractive and said "He's ok. Seemed really, really nice." Kevin looked at me and said, "Oh shit that means he is ugs!" I knew both Kevin and Bobby would think he is hot and I was trying to avoid World War Gay in the apartment, besides I saw him first! My plan backfired when Blake popped over looking for Jelissa. Since I was the only one he knew he talked to me and I told him she already left. After he walked out the boys went crazy. "You liar!" Kevin laughed, "He is hot!" Bobby chimed in with a "Helloooo!" then Kevin followed with, "Yep, I'd totally L his B's!" So much for my first dibs!

The crowd downstairs at Woody's was already decent. We figured we would have a couple drinks here first and could always come back since it's across the street from the apartment. The downstairs has a sports bar vibe and there's a dance floor and additional bars located upstairs. They were showing people dancing on the big screen TV downstairs. Kile was convinced it was live footage and all those people were in fact upstairs as we speak! We paid the cover to get upstairs, but as I had suspected he was wrong. It was footage that was taped from another night, not a live feed! It was too early and people weren't drunk enough to dance yet.

We left Woody's and headed over to Tavern On Camac in search of boys and our friend Knockers. Knockers was already upstairs at TOC with a drink in his hand (Grey Goose on the rocks) and a devilish smile on his face. It was like he was looking over his royal gay court. He was my Queen of Hearts, sometimes brutal, sometimes sincere, always loud! Though I could never picture him saying "Off with his head!" I could picture him saying, "Ok, now give me head!" He gave me a wet sloppy kiss, grabbed me inappropriately (like always) and introduced us to his friends "Bottom 1 and Bottom 2" (Tweedledee and Tweedledum) I had met them both previously before. They were part of his royal posse. Knock put his fingers in front of my face and all I could smell was sweaty balls and ass. I screamed "Ewww why do your fingers smell like that?" Apparently he had stuck his hand down George's jeans while I wasn't looking and he had boy taint all over them. Knock leaned in towards me, smiled and sucked on my neck. When he was done he looked at his creation and realized it wasn't dark enough so he went back for more. This time he looked at my neck and said, "Aw, perfect!" Kevin looked at my neck and said, "Oh my god! That hickey is huge!" Knock gave me another sloppy kiss and said, "You love it gurl!"

We all were dancing, even George a little whose dance style consists of rocking back and forth in small steps. All of sudden this crazy ass mother fucker hops in front of me dancing like Mr. Six (The Six Flag Great Adventure dancing old guy) it was Jelissa's boyfriend Bob. He appeared out of nowhere like the Cheshire Cat, but just in the nick of time because Kevin and I needed a drink. All my mad creatures were finally together! I was in my 'Gay Wonderland' and having a fabulous time! Our togetherness was short lived. After we headed back to Woody's to dance some more our group got a little separated. Bobby Bunny went off to find someone to explore his rabbit hole, and I'm sure the other boys did as well. Kevin and I danced a little till we ran into Bottom 1. Kevin ended up making out with him a little bit until we left. I can always tell when Kevin is about to kiss someone. He gets this dopey look on his face and then darts for their mouth. He always tries to chock them to death with his tongue. Knockers disappeared much like he always does. He branded me with a hickey and then bounced. I'm sure the queen needs her beauty rest so "she" can rule the kingdom another night.

After trying forever, we finally managed to get back into Jelissa's apartment building. Her and Bob had passed out and missed our 30 some calls to have her lets us in. I managed to remember the pass code that opens the door which I probably would have remembered sooner if I wasn't snockered. After Bobby helped me blow my bed up (I was too impaired to figure it out and he has told me countless times he is good at blowing things) I passed out next to Kevin. I awoke the next day freezing and if I was snuggled up any closer to Kevin I would have been on top of him! I had two of those small airplane blankets they give you when you travel covering me and Kevin was curled up in a sheet. For a brief moment I had forgotten where we were. I looked around and saw Kile passed out on the couch, Bobby was in his small air bed which was just big enough for his 6'2 frame and Jelissa and Bob were in her bed. The room was cold I got up and shut the window. Kevin woke up, rolled over and said "hey bitch." As I walked to the bathroom I noticed Bobby was snuggled up on his little bed with TWO thick blankets while Kevin and I froze to death. I had a missed text from George asking if we had gotten in the apartment building yet and as I looked into the bathroom mirror I saw my huge hickey. Hickeys are soooo 1997, 'I just made out with my boyfriend at the movies.' I immediately texted Knockers, "My neck is black from you haha!" I said. He responded, "Omg!" "Too funny! You little Hoover." I said. "You loved it! I'm a Dyson. I don't lose suction." He responded. While I was texting Knock, Kevin was going through his phone looking for Bottom 1's phone number. He texted a guy he thought may have been him, but it turns out it wasn't. He never got Bottom 1's number. Kevin then texted Knock for the correct number, obsessed much? After texting the guy for a few minutes, and stating that they made out, Kevin realized he was texting the wrong guy again! Knockers had given him Bottom 2's number instead! This shit only happens to Kevin I swear. Kevin yelled at Knockers and said "That's the wrong guy! I made out with the other Bottom!" Knockers said not to worry that Bottom 2 was a slut anyways and gave Kevin the correct number finally.

Bottom 1 and Kevin were finally chatting and Kevin was finally happy. He was starting to whine! My little White Rabbit Bobby and the mellow Caterpillar Kile headed back to reality. Jelissa, Bob, Kevin and I headed out for my favorite gay pastime, Brunch. I truly believe Brunch was invited by a homo. It's the only time it's acceptable to drink liquor before noon and not get judged. Nothing cures a hangover like a Bloody Mary or Mimosa. We ordered Breakfast Poutine which was a concoction of French fries, sausage bits and bacon in sausage gravy, with cheese and two sunny-side-up eggs! It was amazing! Kevin kept calling it "Breakfast Punani" and even ordered it that way. When the table next to us asked how it was he said, "The Breakfast Punani is fucking amazing! Best thing I ever had in my mouth." Not realizing that the people at the table just came from church! Yep he is going to hell for sure!

The weather was cold and rainy. It was like the city itself didn't want us to leave. It didn't want us to travel, but we couldn't stay in Wonderland forever. We packed up after Brunch and said our goodbyes to Jelissa and Bob. Kevin and I walked in the rain to the train station. I had a sweater and baseball cap on; Kevin was wearing a t-shirt and sleeveless hoodie. He didn't plan very well for the weather and kept saying "This is the worst hoodie ever!" He remembered I brought my umbrella with me and asked, "Hey do you have your umbrella?" I reached into the bag he was carrying, pulled it out, opened it up and continued to trot along while it covered me. He looked at me, grabbed it and said, "Gimme this shit you mother fucker!" I continued to laugh the whole way to the train station.

Kevin and I talked the whole way back on the train. We were both exhausted from our party weekend. We chatted about the weekend and about previous adventures. He said although he isn't always happy about his decisions he makes he never really regrets anything. And there have been horrible decisions and questionable morals at play. Kevin says when he looks in mirror instead of feeling horrible about what he may have done he looks at himself and says, "That was a fucking amazing night!" I wish I could be this way. After all the heartaches and bad luck with men in general have I become too cynical? Am I too judgmental on everyone? Have I let my distrust for men invade my life completely? When I look in the mirror all I do is judge. The person in that looking glass is staring back and I judge myself the hardest. I realized even in my Wonderland I couldn't let go fully. I always hold back, but why? I even covered that hickey as best I could so it would be virtually unnoticeable, instead of wearing it proudly. I used to be open minded and now I feel I'm too opinionated. I have to look for a happy medium. Looks like I have another goal to work on for next year. Despite all that it was still a very merry unbirthday…