August 31, 2011

It's All About Spanking The Monkey

or Masturbating, Jerking Off, Stroking It, Jacking Off, Wank, Spanking It, Assault on a Friendly Weapon, Squirting Some Tadpoles, Beating Off, Making Batter, Choking The Chicken, Beating Your Meat, Blow Your Load, Polishing The Wood, Bludgeon the Beefsteak, Bopping your Bologna, Couch Hockey for One, Father Palm and His Five Friends, Devil's Handshake, Making The Dew, Spreading The Mayo, Greasing your Bone, Hand Job, Handy-J, Jackin' the Beanstalk, Making Nut Butter, Jerk the Gherkin, Mangling the Midget, Playing With Your Noodle, Polishing The Bishop, Pump the Python, Rubbing One Out, Scratching An Inch, Punchin' The Munchkin, Shaking Hands With Shorty, Shifting The Gear, Tenderize The Meat, Tickle The Pickle, Waxin' your Jackson, Wiggling your Worm, Tossing The Dwarf, Anointing The Altar Boys, Wrist Work, Yanking It, Posing My Action Figure, Favoring Oneself In An Unsatisfactory Way, Popping The Weasel, Releasing Frustration.


They say an average adult male thinks about sex every 7 seconds. I wonder if gay males think about it more often? Masturbation is something just about everyone does, but rarely talks about. You know the joke, "Stop playing with yourself or you'll go blind!" or "Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten." If these were true then there be blind people and kitten carcasses all over the place! Touching ourselves is what hands are for. If we weren't made to touch ourselves we would have been born like T-Rexes
With the success of my post It's All About The Banana, I decided to do another one about Wanking your Doodle Dandy. Below are fun filled facts about masturbation. Some I found online, others I discovered from chatting with people and I even conducted my own survey.

  -Masturbation refers to sexual stimulation, especially of one's own genitals, often to the point of orgasm.
When I was young I had no idea what it was or what I was doing. All I remember is it felt good. The first time I spooged all over I was like, "What is this icky stuff?" I was only 12 and hadn't started Health class yet, so I was pretty clueless. I learned quickly though as most males do. I mean how can we not touch our genitalia it just hangs there!

-The first ejaculation in males often occurs about 12 months after the onset of puberty
Oh my god look I have hair down there! The carpet matches the drapes!

-Many men who began masturbation or other sexual activity prior to puberty report having been able to achieve multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms.
All that good feeling with no messy clean up!

-Nocturnal emission is the ejaculation of semen during sleep.
During puberty, 13% of males experience their first ejaculation as a result of a nocturnal emission. (wet dreams)
Sweet dreams are made of this. "Have Happy Nocturnal Emissions" should be on a greeting card. I'm gonna call Hallmark.

"There once was a man from Bandoo. Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo!"


-Studies show that 81% of men began masturbating between the ages of 10 and 15 and the largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17!

See we start out as little perverts at an early age. From the survey I conducted I discovered the average age of first time masturbation is between 11-14. Derek told me a story of the first time he ever Choked Richard Till He Threw Up; "I was dry humping a pillow and came. I was only 12 years old and my penis fell limp right away, so I thought I broke it! It really scared me! I started to cry and have a fit. I asked my dad what happened and he said, "Well it isn't broken and trust me I'm sure you'll be doing that a lot more often, so make sure you are getting your sheets washed!" Then he told me I didn't have to just hump, I could rub it too! It was a very tender father, son moment." Sounds like a future Disney movie to me!

-Circle jerk is slang for male group masturbation (usually referring to a practice of adolescent males).
You know boys will be boys. Among some people I have chatted with some say it was common when they were younger for a small group of guys to hang out and masturbate together. (not touching each other just in the same room.) I've also heard of guys making games out of jerking off. Like the first one to cum wins or the one that shoots his load the furthest wins. Oh the secret games guys will play together when they are bored! Of course none of these guys were even considered gay at the time either. (Rolls eyes) Future homos or closet cases in the making.

-Many men masturbate daily, or even more frequently, well into their 20s and sometimes far beyond. Alfred Kinsey's studies have shown that 92% of men will masturbate in their lifespan. About 50% of men masturbate at least once a day, 75% at least once a week, and 99% at least once a month!
Among the survey that I conducted I found that most guys Tame The Snake at least once a day, five times a week. Guys with a higher sex drive (various ages) will masturbate 2-3 times a day or any chance they can get! Sounds like those guys have a lot of um time on their hands. (pun intended) Kevin stated, "I think it's so much better when u let ur balls fill up!" Kevin is always good at advice giving.


-Some men are able to masturbate for hours at a time, achieving orgasm many times.
I call these men, lucky bastards! Perhaps it's a good thing that all of us can't do this. Things would never get done and surfaces everywhere would be sticky! From my survey I discovered that the average time one plays with his Flesh Twinkie is 5-20 minutes.

-Autofellatio is the act of a male performing oral sex on himself. Only 1 in 400 men are flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure.
Bending it like Beckham! Dogs lick themselves because they can and if all guys could do that you know we would. Heck, if I could do that I'd never leave me house again!

•Ways To Prolong Orgasm

-Edging
Or also called "The Start and Stop Technique" Coming nearly close to climax or ejaculation, then stopping sexual stimulation in order to delay the orgasm, so that the ultimate climax will be more intense. "Edging" is not a practice necessary inclusive of masturbation, but is also practiced amongst homosexual and heterosexual partners. Edging is a good sex therapy technique for a man to learn control of his ejaculation.
"I'm on the edge of glory and hanging on moment with you" brings new meaning to the song now huh.
 
-Kegel Exercises
Though commonly used by women, men can also use Kegel exercises to help achieve stronger erections and gain greater control over ejaculation. Kegel exercises are exercises done to increase the strength of the pelvic floor muscle and to help achieve better orgasms. One exercise for men to try is to hold your urine in. While peeing hold your urine in so you stop peeing for a count of ten. Then release, pee a little and hold again. Do this a few times every time you pee it will help you hold back and you'll last longer. One warning though, don't do this in public restrooms because the guying peeing next to you will think you're cray cray.

•Health Benefits of Slamming the Salami 

-Masturbation is healthy! In fact, it is a natural way that you express and explore your body and sexual feelings.
Love thy self so you can love others.

-Some professionals consider masturbation to function as a cardiovascular workout.
It's like Curves for men!

-Masturbation may increase fertility during intercourse. A recent study found daily ejaculation to be an important factor in sperm health and motility.
Ew breeder sex, but I assume this is important since it takes breeders to make a mo anyways.
 
-Both sex and masturbation lower blood pressure.
It also promotes world peace. Ok maybe that last one is a little out there, but think of it, if men were too busy playing with their little guns, they wouldn't have time for anything else. 
 
-Sexual climax, from masturbation or otherwise, leaves one in a relaxed and contented state, followed closely by drowsiness and sleep.
Results for my survey indicate that a majority of men play with their Wang before they go to bed to help them relax. 

-Endorphins released during orgasm can dull the chronic pain of backaches and arthritis as well as migraines.
Calgone can't take you a way that much!

-It is held in many mental health circles that masturbation can relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-worth.
A wank a day keeps the blues away. 

-Masturbating daily will promote greater prostate health and prevent cancer.
Enough said!

  •Masturbation Fetishes
(I don't recommend all of these, some are so weird!)

-Autoerotic asphyxia is the practice of self-induced strangulation or asphyxiation while masturbating.
This is dangerous, but the only nice part is you don't need a safety word. I guess if you went too crazy on yourself you could make yourself pass out, which isn't a good idea if you're by yourself.

-Masturbation in front of your partner can be a turn-on for both partners and is a very enjoyable part of lovemaking. Mutual Masturbation or a Hand Job (Handy-J) can be a safe sex practice and very erotic.
Don't have a partner? You can try to fake it by trying the masturbation technique called "The Stranger" sit on your non-dominant hand till it goes numb (for me it's my left hand) and Whack your Willy. Because you won't have much feeling in that hand you're using, it will fill like someone else is touching you.

-Axillary intercourse is the sexual activity in which a man masturbates his penis in his partner's armpit.
People actually do this? "Wow hunny that new Old Spice deodorant is really turning me on. I'm about to bust a nut all in your pits!" You could wear it then like an Axe commercial "Double pits to chestie."

-More than 70% of men aged 18-34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month.
Porn is often used in conjunction with playing with oneself. Kevin says, "I blast my porn until I get a really good one to finish the job." I'll admit I do the same. Some scenes just turn you on more than others do.

-Men often will call upon erotic memories during masturbation. Like past sexual encounters and fantasies.
I'd be lying if I said I've never done this. Can ya guess who I think about?

-Ablutophilia is the sexual pleasure derived from taking baths, showers, or other modes of washing oneself.
I can't take a bath without "sinking the submarine" to be honest. The survey I did stated that in the shower was the second most popular place (Bed was the first) to send your "Seamen" into battle.


-Sex Toys like a dildo are often intended for bodily penetration during masturbation or sex with a partner or partners.
The orgasms produced by anal play of a male are usually more pleasurable than the orgasm of regular masturbation. Some men have reported having multiple consecutive orgasms, particularly without ejaculation.
It is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation (dry orgasm). Most times this can only occur through anal simulation. See the post Advice: Bottomed Out for more info. 

-Other Masturbation toys such as Fleshlight (For straight men) and a Fleshjack (For gay men) are popular self simulating tools. I've heard from multiple sources that this is the sex toy to invest in!

So I have to ask how many of you want to touch yourself after reading this? Does little Jimmy wanna play? Just remember masturbation does not cause hairy palms, deafness, scarlet fever, brain damage, cause you to go insane or send you straight to hell. BUT

haha just kidding guys. So wank away it's healthy. (in moderation) Just remember if you're a shooter keep your eyes closed that shit burns.


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