DADT By Drew

I guess I am not your average gay guy. Few people know that I suck dick, and I like it that way. I tell my friends, who know about me, and the guys I meet from Grindr and Jack'd that I don't consider myself "gay." I see myself as a brother, a son, an uncle, and a soldier first. Sexuality to me is something that stays in the bedroom and the occasional motel room. I do not own a rainbow flag, well a rainbow anything. I don't strut around public in my underwear and the sexiest pair of underwear I own is spandex that the Army issued me. The reason I am stating all this up front is so you, the reader, can have the grain of salt while reading what I have to say about DADT.

In 2009 I enlisted in the U.S. Navy and attended basic training at RTC Great Lakes, IL. It was probably one of the most influential life changing events in my life. I learned a lot about myself and what it means to be a service member. Now at the time I was in big denial with myself about my sexuality, which looking back is outrageous that I could lie to myself like I did. In high school I never had to shower after gym class and the sports I played didn't really do the locker room thing like football, baseball etc. So this was the first exposure I had to showers en mass with peers. (I never lived in dorms at college) So this was an actual fear of mine before being in the situation. I was afraid of sporting some wood while in the showers with a bunch of my shipmates. Thankfully though, whether it was the salt-peter in the eggs, the physical exhaustion from training, or the fear of retribution of being a homo by my peers and subsequent dis-honorable discharge from the Navy I was able to keep flaccid. Mind you there were a few guys who to this day I wish I could spend a little one on one time with in the showers.

I was able to keep a low profile. But my RDC (recruit division commander), a drill sergeant/ instructor navy equivalent, was not so capable of hiding some of his tells. Now I can't 100% say for sure that my Petty Officer is gay, but I like to think that I am pretty good at spotting a gay guy, and when a few of my shipmates shared the same suspicions I was pretty convinced. It never became an issue with anyone in the division. We all respected him for his guidance, knowledge, and his actions as one of the best RDCs at RTC Great Lakes. He was always looking out for us and trying his best to give us the best training he could provide. There was one or two others who I had my suspicions and I am sure some of the guys had their suspicions of me too, but no one ever addressed it or tried to out someone. And no one got hurt about the gay references the RDCs would use when "motivating" us. I know I didn't give a damn; gay jokes are hilarious.

Now for erroneous circumstances and bullshit reasons, I was medically separated from the Navy. It took a little over a year and a lot of bureaucratic red tape for me to re-enlist in the Army. I wanted to serve, and no doctor was going to prevent that. So I get to Army basic training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina in June 2011 and it is hotter than summer in hell all day everyday. Again I was able to keep soft being around sexy soldiers, and not portray any tells that might bring unwanted attention to myself. 

(That prior spring I finally faced the facts and admitted to myself to being gay, and even was able to indulge in a few acts with a few guys before graduating from college.) So being able to hide something from other people that I was no longer hiding from myself seemed like it might be difficult, and I was questioning every word choice and hand movement. I got through without any issues again, but now this time I had to go AIT (advanced individual training) for 22 weeks.

AIT was dorm style living, two soldiers to a room with a bathroom and mini fridge. It is the closest experience I had to living in a dorm. Only at AIT we had bedchecks, formations, fireguard, and CQ duty to perform. Over the course of the 22 weeks we gradually earned privileges that we had not had during basic. One of these privileges was overnight passes, which I took advantage of at every opportunity, a few times with another male soldier. Now, it should be explained that while at AIT one doesn't worry about pissing off a drill sergeant and getting "smoked" (slang term for corrective punishment, i.e. intense PT) and therefore one is able to notice the world around oneself a little better. So eventually, during the first half of AIT some people started to have some suspicions about my sexuality, which I played off. It was during my time at AIT when 20 September, the day DADT was repealed, came. Leading up to that day, everyone thought the sky was going to fall and soldiers would start walking around in skin-tight, cut-off shorts and rainbow flags being hoisted under the American flag during morning colors; honestly, it was ridiculous.

But the day came, people made side jokes, like "Hey, Smith you can come out of the closet now, everyone knows already" and to the shock of all the NCOs (non-commissioned officers) nothing changed. The sun still rose in the east and set in the west, and soldiers were still hooking-up in the barracks. Yes I was one of them, which was easier than what the straight soldiers had to go through to sneak a male into a female's room or vice versa.

One thing did change though, the attitudes of the soldiers. Before 20 September, it was unacceptable to accuse a soldier, a sailor, an airman, a marine of being a homosexual unless you had something out for him/her. No one really cared, unless they were being hit on in the showers, which I never understood would be a situation homophobes think would happen; as if it is every gay man's dream to try and pick-up a straight guy in the barracks showers. (Well maybe the "straight" soldier hitting on me in the showers is a dream of mine, but that's beside the point) One day after 20 September, I was standing in the DFAC (dining facility) trying to get some hot water for tea, when this douche of a guy had to tenacity to come up, and while pouring himself a cup of coffee, casually ask me if I was gay, as if the topic he was talking about was the weather. I was shocked; I still am dumbfounded when I think of the whole scenario. I scoffed and denied the accusation and walked off. Looking back I wish I had handled the situation differently, but hindsight is 20/20.

Now you may be saying to yourself that I am uncomfortable with my sexuality and am still in the closet, and you would be correct for the most part. But you should also understand that I have personally witnessed how an out-of-the-closet soldier is treated by his peers and superiors, and trust me when I tell you it is not an easy life. Granted this soldier was very effeminate and he did not need to be out of the closet for anyone to assume he enjoyed dropping the soap in the showers, so to say.

But being out, open, and obvious only brings unwanted attention and distracts from the wanted attention. Yeah it is great that there are LGBT supporters out there fighting for the community's equality; I am definitely not trying to offend them or the cause that they passionately fight for. I just think the community needs to be aware that it is not conducive to the military to have sexuality be an acceptable topic of conversation. As a soldier all I care about is that the guy next to me knows that I am there for him if needed and that he is there for me if needed. The fight to have DADT repealed seems unimportant in contrast to the other issues that face gay, lesbian, and even straight service members on top of worry about deployments, pay, getting shot at by Haji, and IEDs.

The UCMJ (universal code of military justice) is a set of legal principles that applies to all military personnel regardless of branch or rank. Article 125 prohibits sodomy, yes sodomy, and "penetration , however slight, is sufficient to complete the offense." So although it is permitted to be an out homosexual, we still aren't allowed to perform sexual acts unless it is vaginal and not someone else's wife, because that would be another UCMJ offense (article 134, the catch all article). A Petty Officer told me about a UCMJ class he was giving to a bunch of recruits. He explained article 125 to the class, and a female recruit asked "So you mean to tell me, Petty Officer, I can't give my boyfriend a blowjob? I like giving him blowjobs." After pulling his jaw off the floor, the PO explained to the class that as long as the acts stay behind the bedroom door and doesn't involve someone in your chain of command that no one will care about what kind of crazy, kinky sexual acts we indulge in. He continued to say that it becomes an issue when we start bringing it up in inappropriate situations. So whether you're gay or straight the military is still asking us to live in the closet when it comes to our blowjobs, anal penetration, bestiality, adultery…… sex period shouldn't be an acceptable work conversation in the military and civilian realms alike.

Written by ~Drew

OutFest In The Gayborhood

There's one thing that I think anyone can agree on whether you're gay, straight, bi, tri we ALL just want to be accepted. I find myself even now as an adult, still craving acceptance. I have this issue where I want everyone to like me and I'll go out of my way to try to get the approval. Since I wasn't accepted when I was a teenager I think I over compensate now. When it comes to friends I need to feel included and if I don't I overreact. The inner bitch comes out. (My head rotates full around and I speak in tongues. Ask Kevin he's seen it!)
So what was on my gay agenda last weekend?
-Spend time with family and friends.
-Get drunk and sweaty in a crowd of hot homos on the street.
-Be treated equally and feel accepted.
- Buy milk (Hey it does a body good).

OutFest or as I'd like to call it "Pride The Sequel" was the perfect place to cross off 3 of those things on my list. OutFest is a huge block party about coming out, accepting who you are and embracing your gay life. It's one of the few times where you can walk around the streets of Philadelphia with an alcoholic drink in hand without concealing it in a brown paper bag and flirt with hot shirtless banana hammock clad passerbyers! It's the biggest and most unusual block party you may ever wittness!

  Bobby, Kile and I arrived Sunday afternoon (10/9) to find a sea of people everywhere! We entered the block party around 12th and Spruce where there was a dance area. Lady Gaga billowed out in full force from the giant speakers! I watched a very sweaty chiseled black guy dance in the middle of the crowd. He would have made my friend Sean's butt pucker if he was there.

Usually every community group has a booth, tent or some type of display at OutFest. There's vendors selling everything you can imagine and some vendors give out sample products and free giveaways! Call me a Jew, but I love free shit! I grabbed free condoms for Kevin. I figured he may need them someday. Bobby took the packet of lube I had because he "thought it was cute." I guess we know what he will be doing later.

OutFest even had a flea market. It's the perfect place if you're a drag queen and need some new clothes for costumes. Every bar and restaurant in the Gayborhood has some sort of event. There's usually some muscly oiled up hottie (Slip~N~Slides) standing outside to entice people to go into the bar. They put all your drinks in plastic cups so you can then leave the bar and walk around if you choose. Of course there's tons of food and drink booths along street, so forget your usual lunch of a TicTac and diet coke. Eat up and drink up! There were circus events. A very sexy man dangling from a rope (which made me wanna buy a sex swing) and a tightrope walker (which shows not only can he balance on your cock, but on other things as well).

The main stage at 13th and Locust hosted an array of entertainment. Drag queens, singers, dance performances, hot guys from 12th Street Gym working out and an old school "pulling rabbits out of hats" magician. Pennsylvania Attorney General candidate Patrick Murphy gave a very powerful speech on sexual orientation discrimination. Mayor Michael Nutter made an appearance around 2 pm to dedicate the second LGBT historic marker in the state to Giovanni's Room, the oldest LGBT bookstore in the country! Kile pointed out that the guy that designed our pride flag (Gilbert Baker) also made an appearance. I said, "So he is like the gay Betsy Ross?" Kile replied with, "Yes he is!" Bobby looking all puzzled said, "Who's Betsy Ross?" I swear hanging out with Kevin is rubbing off on him! There were penis shaped bagel eating, high heel racing, and pet show contests as well. The main stage had something for everyone and if all that stuff wasn't your thing it was fun just to people watch!

We bar hopped at iCandy, Tavern on Camac and Woody's. I hadn't been in Woody's since they redid it. The bar looks so much better and it's more spacious. They had country line dancing in the club room. We all wanted this tall drink of water that was dancing in a tank top. I was ready to "saddle up!" The one bartender at Woody's was so ripped and so perfect he could have done porn and I would have wanted to watch it!

The streets had various attractions and sights. There was a mechanical bull, we stopped to watch a guy try it. He held on pretty well. He must have been a bottom. iCandy had a tent full of underwear boys, that's one way to pitch a tent! A rotating orb thing was in the middle of street where I spotted a guy who rotated around in a circle for five minutes. I tried to convince Bobby to try it out. I wanted to take pictures of him in it, but he didn't go for it. There were drag queens and a cowboy with a fanny pack (I know right, that's sooooo lesbian of him) on stilts. We passed people dressed up in animal costumes. (Furries) They kinda looked like foxes or wolves and skipped through the crowd looking for a bone. There's this whole furry fetish obsession among certain people. I've heard of people dressing up in these costumes and taking on roles of animals and even having sex. I thought the costumes were really cute, but I didn't want to get fucked by one. If the Furries didn't do it for ya there were real animals to pet. Dogs, puppies, all kinds of pussy. Even poodles dyed every color of the pride flag.

  A shirtless oiled-up guy roamed the Gayborhood with a sign that read "Kiss me, I'm gay!" There's no doubt in my mind he was going to need to invest in some Herpicil or at least some sort of anti-bacterial wash! That's probably why Walgreens was one of the sponsors. With all the people that kissed him that day maybe scientists could have gathered DNA and found out where herpes began.

Of course with all the positive energy flowing through the crowd of LGBT peeps and the people that love them, there has to be a few negative Nancy's. OutFest had several openly gay and allied priests, but there was a few religious protestors, as well. An anti-gay prayer circle was held at the Main Stage area trying to pray our sin away. Good luck with that! A middle-age man shouted Bible verses at people during the entire event! There was even a religious nut job proclaiming he was born again straight and Jesus can save us if we let him in. I bet he masturbated when he got home thinking about all the half naked guys that walked by him.

All the protesters had police standing by them. I assume it was to protect them from us, since we out numbered them. I am of course a believer in freedom of speech but you won't catch gay people protesting outside of churches or their religious events! We don't force our beliefs on anyone. All we want is to be treated equally like any other person. I can't stand being preached too especially when it's from a book that isn't even relevant anymore! Don't get me wrong I'm not anti religion. I think any positive religion is a good thing. I do consider myself more spiritual than religious though. I just can't stand close minded individuals. Just because it's different, doesn't make it wrong.

With way over 25,000 gay people and allies that attended OutFest it proves that there is hope in this world. There's still a lot of work ahead of the LGBT community, but 25,000 people that accept us and love us is a start. After all Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love, right?

FCKH8.com

Wanna read more about OutFest and National Coming Out Day? Please see the post:
National Coming Out Weekend Are you in the closet? For tips and stories on coming out please see the post:
Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

***Due to unforeseen circumstances I lost all my pictures I took at OutFest. If you were there and have pictures of the stuff mentioned in the above article please SEND THEM to me. I will give you credit for taking the pictures.

Sticks & Stones

Before I danced at my first gay club, experienced my first kiss with another man, pranced around in nothing but glitter and a thong, before I even knew I was gay or what being gay even was. There was this preconceived notion that I was a Faggot. This of course caused the daily relentless torture from the kids in my school. From 6th grade until I was a senior in high school it didn't stop for one day. I know why I was a target. Middle school and high school is all about blending in and no matter how hard I tried I could only stand out. I was a chubby redhead with bad skin! I was just as round as I was tall. Kind of resembling an apple with Ronald McDonald hair! And to top it all off my voice was so high it was like someone constantly had my balls in a vice. (Voice hasn't changed much, but at least it's at a lower octave. I no longer make a signal only dogs can hear.)

Being teased is normal for everyone while growing up, but for some it crosses the line from teasing to heinous acts. It is no longer just harmless playground teasing. My life everyday felt like a living hell and at times I felt like there was no escape. I felt helpless. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can bruise just as easily.

I dreaded school every single day, but before I even made it to school I feared the bus stop and bus ride. As I waited for my bus to arrive, kids would throw rocks at me. One time someone threw an ice ball at my face. It actually gave me a black eye and split my lip open. The kid got a detention, but that was it and then went back to bullying me more. I remember having live worms put down the back of my shirt. I got even when a girl started laughing at me. I flung the worm at her and it stuck to her cheek. She screamed and didn't tease me again after that. Because of all the issues I had at the bus stop I used to try to arrive as late as possible even if it involved me running down the hill to catch the bus. The bus ride was just as bad. By the time the bus came to my stop it usually was very full and everyone had to share a seat. I was treated like I had a horrible disease and no one would let me sit with them. Sometimes I had to sit on the floor. Thankfully it was only a ten minute drive. The bus driver did nothing! In fact he yelled at me not at the kids that taunted me, even after I explained why I was on the floor.

My school days involved being pushed in the hallways and daily use of the words gay, fairy, faggot and homo were screamed at me. Soda was poured in my book bag and there was one time Gatorade was poured on my head. I still hate Gatorade to this day. I won't drink it. Kids also had cruel nicknames they called me which I'm not going to share because they haunted me forever! Kids would harass me even in front of teachers and again most teachers did nothing! I had only a few classes I felt completely safe in.

I will admit that thoughts of suicide did enter my head. When people constantly drill into your head 60 times a day that you are worthless you start to believe it. So how did I get through it all? Well, it wasn't easy. Fortunately for me I had a wonderful teacher that looked out for me. She had a no tolerance for bullying and disrespectful behavior in her classroom! I used to eat lunch in her classroom and spent study halls and free periods there. I escaped from my troubles with writing (Still do! Even though my creative writing teacher hated everything I wrote.) and I was big into art. I always turned to my creatively and it kept me going. Whenever I got home from school. I left school at school. Which means I left all the negatively and hurtful remarks there. I had a great support system at home. My mom was always there for me. She doesn't know half of what I went through, but mom's always know when something is wrong and she did the best she could. By the time I was a senior things got better. I just kept thinking that it's almost over and I never have to see any of these assholes ever again! Now, I rarely see my old classmates and when I do they usually don't recognize me.

If you experience bullying or violence because you are a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender just remember:
•You matter and have a place in the world. You're important!
•You are not alone - help and support is only a phone call away or online.
•Be proud of who you are!

Over a ten-year period more than 7,000 LGBT middle and high school students (aged 13-21), were surveyed:
-Eight in ten LGBT students had been verbally harassed at school.
-Four in ten had been physically harassed at school.
-Six in ten felt unsafe at school.
-One in five had been the victim of a physical assault at school.
-Unfortunately, these types of experiences with violence also occur outside of school and may continue into young adulthood.

One of the biggest problems today is that the word "gay" is used in a derogatory manner in every day language. One of the most popular phrasings is "That's so gay!" The word "gay" is used in place of stupid or weird. It's used by adults and by kids. Adults that use this phrase even if it is in a harmless manner are still causing harm. Adults that say "That's so gay" are teaching their children at an early age that gay is wrong. Kids associate the word "gay" with being weird or stupid and then are more likely to tease kids that they perceive are different. Parents need to realize that not only do children learn their behavior in school they learn it from you. My advice to teachers that hear gay being used in a derogatory manner is not to ignore it! Chances are it's worse when they leave the classroom. Tell the student that you will not torrent it in your class. If there are any LGBT students in your class this will show them that this is a "safe place" for them.

Kevin states, "People do say "That's so gay or he's so gay" a lot, not meaning to be offensive usually, but when children hear it they are so impressionable!" Faggot is also another word that is being used and it's unacceptable! Kevin says, "Faggot is worse than the word "gay" and thrown around a lot jokingly. It's not funny. Kids say that way more than they used too!" In my discussion with Kevin I said, "You're right! You know gay guys never refer to each other as faggots. We don't use that word to describe ourselves. Well unless its a dirty porno." Kevin laughed and said, "Yeah, when they say... "Yeaaaaa you like that you little faggot?" Pound! Pound! Pound! Pound! Pound! I've seen that before in porn!" Then I had a visional of what he was saying and lost my train of thought... Oops!

Another issue contributing to bullying is technology. My mom says, "Computers are evil! I swear one day they will all come to life and kill us while we sleep!" Unlike when I was in school I could escape the torment by going home. Now the bullies follow the victim everywhere! They use the Internet, social media and texting. Cyber-bullying is increasing at a rapid rate. The victim feels like they have no escape from the harassment. No way out.

A survey of over 400 middle school, high school and college students between the ages of 11 and 22 (including 350 self-identified non-heterosexual subjects) found:
-54% of LGBT youth had been victims of cyberbullying within the past 30 days.
-45% of the respondents "reported feeling depressed as a result of being cyber-bullied."
-38% felt embarrassed.
-28% felt anxious about attending school.
-More than a quarter (26%) had suicidal thoughts!

If you are a victim of cyber-bullying there's things you can do.
 1. Most states have cyber-bullying laws in place and you can fight back. Here's a link that can help: www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=13495#Laws
2. Don't respond to the bullying remarks.
3. Make copies of what they are saying to you and save everything in a file. This way if they delete their profile or the conversation you have proof.
4. Delete all the negative comments the bully posts about you.
5. Block them! Almost all social networking sites like Facebook have a blocking feature...use it! There may also be a feature where you can report users.

The gay community has made a lot of accomplishments since I've been out of the closet. With the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell (Maybe now I can be a towel boy for the army. "I'm sorry! I'm all out of big towels, here's a washcloth to dry off with.") and all the states that are slowly getting on board with gay marriage. (Accepting applications for a husband now!) I feel we are slowly headed in the right direction. BUT there's still so much yet to be done and so much negatively towards us that needs to be shattered.

Mostly everyone has heard of the recent suicides among young teens. The gay Rutgers student who took his own life after his intimate encounters were broadcasted over the Internet! Then there were the tragic suicides of two 13-year olds who experienced constant ridicule for being gay. A 14-year old that made a heartbreaking It Gets Better video on YouTube and then 4 months later felt his only way out was to end his own life! These of course are just a few of cases that the media latched onto. How many others must die before something is done? How many others are facing daily harassment as a result of their sexual orientation? Are you one them? When will it stop!? Unlike being born gay, bullies aren't born bullies they are taught. We can end this! We can change this! Stop the bullying.

For those of you that are being bullied please stay strong. It sounds cliche but it does get better. Those bullies will probably all end up being fat, bald and pumping your gas. "That's alright, that's okay you're gonna pump my gas someday!" The popular mean kids never stay popular after school. Just remember there has to be a little rain before there's a rainbow. Don't you wanna be around to see it?


Here's messages from the Queer Dirty Laundry characters:
"From 5th grade to 7th grade I was bullied cause I was "girlish" and it was pretty intense for a while. But then I kinda learned how to fade into the background until school was over. Then it all got better. Although it seems really bad school doesn't last forever. It will be a distance memory one day!" ~Bobby

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” ~James

"Bullies are the people that feel the need to take out their own insecurities on other people. While being bullied can be hurtful and scary just remember that you are a stronger and much better person than those doing the bullying! Don't let them bring you down, let them bring you up to being an even better person! Don't let them take your life and your soul! STAY STRONG AND ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!"
~Lindsay

“The sun always rises the next day.” ~Knockers

"People may call you a fag, a girl, a homo, but screw them because you are being just who you were meant to be. There's so many others out there that are just like you! Welcome to the world! It's a shitty place, but stick around long enough and you will find happiness. When you don't think anyone will love you for you I guarantee you someone already does!" ~Kevin

"No matter how bad things get and no matter who puts you down, you can always rely on yourself. Love who you are because when you love yourself, you are letting someone else look up to you for guidance." ~Derek

"YOU are strong as shit!" ~Jules

"You do not need to put on a brave face when you are in pain. Talk, find someone, anyone and just talk. There are people out there who will listen. Trust, believe, there is love..." If you need someone to talk to email me: Horrorj2007@yahoo.com ~Edward

"Each day allows you to begin writing a new chapter of your life, whether it be a short one or one that extends for years, the important thing is you're the author and no one can change that!" ~Bethany

"If you want a rainbow, you have to get past the rain." ~Sean

"Us old farts need something to look at when we go to the bars. There's more support from the gay population now more than ever, with countless ways of reaching out. We've all been there, and know what it's like, but it does get better as life goes on." ~George

"Bullying won't stop. It will happen throughout your life in many different shapes and forms...But being aware and remaining positive will get you through it. You won't ever be alone!" ~Lynn

"Hold your head up high and when they're not looking, pee in their water ice!" ~Sven

"You can always count on your friends and family!" ~Lola

"Few blows feel more devastating than an attack on our fundamental self, whether that's sexual orientation, skin color, gender, family, or even our mannerisms. How can we adequately defend the circumstances of our birth, for better or for worse? More important, why do we feel the need to defend, meeting the aggressor on his own uneven playing field?

There are no easy answers – and to dwell on negativity can diminish our confidence and lead us into self-doubt. So, what to do? How to respond?

Do this: Hold your head high. Be proud – never ashamed – of who you are, where you're from, or whom you love. It's not easy to ignore repeated taunts and insults. But your only real fault comes by refusing to embrace yourself, by not growing to your full potential.

My promise to you: It ends. Guaranteed. You don't believe that now, and you can't see the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. But your light is there. Embrace yourself. Be proud. Never apologize for who you are. Because it ends. I promise." ~Tristan

***All the photos used in this post are linked to sites that can help. Just click on them. Remember you are not alone.

Like A Virgin

"Like a virgin, touched for the very time..." echoes in the club as I'm pushed to the stage. At this point I'm beyond drunk and a couple friends have to hold me upright. My friend, Toni is on stage announcing to everyone that it's my 21st birthday, while pointing at me. More than half the people in this gay bar, in the middle of bumble fuck already know it's my birthday and that's why they are here. The few stragglers that had no clue, actually came over to say "Happy Birthday" and to buy "the 21 year old" a drink or shot. Like I needed more, but you're only 21 once. Why do people say that anyways? You're only any age once.
Most of the people at my party I knew from an online chat room called "Gay PA." (This is how I actually starting talking to my best friend James.) I had a WebTV back then. It was a DVD player-sized box that plugged into your TV and a phone jack to connect you to the Internet. I know it sounds retro and there was probably little gerbils inside the box, on a wheel making it work. WebTV had a remote control and a wireless keyboard you could use to surf around. It was perfect for chatting and for looking at nude pics of hot naked men in the middle of night while everyone else was asleep. I'm just saying, of course I never did that. (sarcasm)

Chat rooms were big back then and people from the Gay PA room occasionally all got together to party and to meet. I had met mostly everyone previously at a couple other events. The Gay PA chat room was actually my first real step into accepting myself as gay. I had people all over the state to talk too (most of them a lot older) and it helped to know I wasn't the only one struggling with their sexuality. It also helped I asked a lot questions about being gay. The older guys in the room took me under their fairy wings. Even though I hadn't known all these people long face to face, I chatted with them for months. I felt safe with these people. I knew their stories and for the very first time ever I felt accepted. They all knew me as the young, naive, nice, red headed virgin. Hence the reason "Like A Virgin" was playing. The guy I came with and who I was kinda dating, asked the DJ to play it.

As I sat there eating my red velvet cake that one of my online chat friends made for me, a very tall, very handsome man came up to me. I instantly knew who he was from the chat room. I have been talking to Alfredo for over a year, but since he lived in Erie (literally all the way across my state about 7 hours away.) I hadn't met him yet. He was around 29 when I first met him. He was very tall, but then again I'm not even quite 5'6 so everyone is tall. Alfredo had thick black hair and a nice lean, toned body. His background of course was 100% Italian, but unfortunately didn't have the accent. I only caught hints of it as he spoke. He looked very manly with his facial stubble, mustache and chest hair protruding out from the collar of his polo shirt. He was extremely polite and charming, which I assumed he would be from us chatting, but you never know. After opening my presents (Toni got me a pink kneeling pad she said I may need it some day. I actually still have it!) and tearful goodbyes we all parted ways.

2 years go by and yes I was still a virgin! Like some, I was waiting for the right one to pop my cherry. My mom like many mothers always said, "Nobody's gonna buy the milk if you're giving it out for free." I had only dated a few guys and none of them were Mr. Right. It felt like it was just a sea of men that wanted to hook up. Once they discovered it took a little more effort before I'd let them swim into my ocean (still does) they gave up the chase. I had this romanticized vision of how I wanted my first time to be, so I "saved it" like the Holy Grail! I didn't need to be in love, but I wanted to at least have some sort of emotional connection. I wanted to feel safe and look back on it fondly, not with regret.

Alfredo and I still kept in touch periodically through that two year span. His twin sister had moved out my way and he planned to stop by to visit me on his way back for a couple days. When I finally saw him again he still looked the same. Still tall, dark and handsome with puppy dog eyes and a beautiful smile. I had changed and he remarked how great I looked. I was about 110 pounds, tan, (thanks to the indoor tanning beds) with a nice six pack. (which showed because I was so small) I go-go danced at a bar in New Hope once a week and was a shooter boy the rest of the time. I may been naive when it came to the whole sex thing, but I had flirting with men down. Heck, that's how I earned my tips at the bar. Dancing on top of a box for 5 plus hours and working out every week did my body good. I couldn't put on weight to save my life but I was nicely toned. I was a Twink! A thin 26 inch waisted Twink! Alfredo was amazed by my transformation and he kept staring at me with a goofy smile.

Our plan for the evening was to go to the bar I worked at. It was a Sunday night and that was drag night. I worked there mostly Fridays and the occasional Saturday so I had no idea what Sunday's were like. Alfredo took me out for dinner and actually wanted to stay in New Hope. This way we could drink and not worry about driving all the way home. Plus at the time I still lived at home and he didn't want a bad first impression with my mom. There was a Best Western right before you actually got to the bar so Alfredo got us a room there.

The bar wasn't busy but I recognized a few faces. They came up to me to say hello and were shocked I had clothes on. After a bunch of vodka and Sprites and a few martinis mixed in, we stumbled back to the Best Western. The room was small. The bed spread had this ugly floral design. It looked like a florist threw up and the carpet was a dark navy color. There was a long dresser up against the wall and a TV sitting on top of it in the corner. It wasn't the fanciest room but hey it was a Best Western not the Hilton! I got undressed and climbed into the bed I remember I only had black 2xist briefs on. Alfredo had on a wifebeater and blue boxers. He cuddled with me and spooned me under the covers. I could tell he was turned on because it was poking my back. Alfredo was a very respectful type of person and I knew he never would make the first move on me.

I thought to myself, "Ok this is it! I've waited long enough. There isn't going to be anyone nicer than him. I've known him for awhile, I trust him and he is fucking sexy!" I rolled over so I was facing him. He pretended to be asleep already. "Stop pretending! I know you're awake" I said. He opened his eyes slowly, "Yes Kitten?" he replied. (Alfredo always had cute nicknames for me, Kitten was one of them.) I leaned forward a bit and kissed him. This was the first time we really kissed and his mustache tickled my face. I was trying to hold back a giggle. Once Alfredo got the green light his inner animal took over. My black briefs were taken off and thrown across the room to disappear into the darkness.

I had talked to Alfredo for years online and we were quite close. We talked about everything. He had told me he wasn't into the whole anal sex thing and actually enjoyed oral more, especially giving it. He got off more on giving it to someone then actually getting it himself. As I took off his boxers I discovered something he had neglected to mention. Alfredo has a huge Italian Stromboli! It was massive and hairy. I could tell he kept it groomed so it wouldn't become a jungle, but he was obviously hairy and hairy everywhere! He just maintains it the best he can. I thought to myself, "Wow he must go through razors like crazy!" Alfredo climbed on top of me and kissed his way down. He said I tasted good. Like sweet and salty. It must have been the salt scrub I used while showering earlier. It tickled when he reached my navel and played with my belly button ring. I couldn't hold the giggles in. I'm very, very ticklish everywhere.

  Alfredo's hot mouth felt great on my penis. He knew what he doing and he did it very well. He could have sucked the nails out of a board. I wanted to reciprocate, but he was more interested in pleasing me. He was right, he did actually get off more by making me squirm. Even though he wasn't into the whole anal sex thing we played "just the tip" he stuck his beef thermometer in just enough so I felt a sensation, but not in far enough to take my temperature. He had more fun digitizing my love hole than anything. Between the sensation of his fingers and him alternating between blowing me and jacking me off, I came all over my stomach. He finished himself off after watching me, then got us a towel. We got under the covers and he spooned me again. He whispered, "Sleep well Kitten" in my ear and I passed out.

The next morning I awoke feeling a warm sensation. There Alfredo was again! He was going down on me and really going at it. Screw Folgers this was the best part of wakin' up! He made me cum two times that's how intense his blow jobs were and each time he swallowed. He was a real Hoover caught in a dust storm and I haven't had someone S my D that good since. When I finished he got up and walked to bathroom. I sat up on the bed gesturing him to come back over I figured I owed him at least a blow job. "It's your turn" I said with a grin. "I already came on the towel. (The towel was at the foot of the bed I guess in all my moaning I must have missed it.) That was enough for me" he said smiling. "I'm gonna get in the shower. Check out is at 11, figured I'd take ya out for breakfast then. I've had my protein but you haven't had anything" again he smiled. He looked like a little kid that just got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

  I was hunting around the room for my underwear but couldn't find them. I picked the condom and wrapper off the floor, wrapped it in a tissue and threw it away. I didn't want the maid to get grossed out. Even though we didn't really have anal sex he still wore one to tease my hole. I looked around the room and saw a coffee maker next to the TV on top of the long dresser. I figured I'd attempt to make him coffee. It was of course the least I could do. He paid for the room, he blew me a few times. I owed him something. I put the grounds in the maker and poured the water in. When I flipped the switch nothing happened. "What the fuck!" I pulled on the cord and realized it wasn't plugged in. There was an outlet on the wall right behind the dresser. It must have been plugged in there. I grabbed the cord, but I couldn't quite reach the outlet so I attempted to move the dresser away from the wall a little. In my efforts, the dresser leaned forward too much which caused the TV sitting on it to fall forward. It was so heavy and knocked me on the floor.

There I was butt ass naked underneath a huge TV! I literally couldn't move! It had me completely pinned down and didn't even buy me dinner first! I didn't want to yell out in fear that someone else would hear me and barge into the room, you know like a maid or something. So I just laid there quietly waiting for Alfredo to come out of the shower. When he finally openned the door and appeared out of the corner of my eye he said, "What on earth are you doing?" I struggled a bit with the TV and said, "What's it look like? I'm making coffee!"

Having gotten to second base with a TV, my first gay sexual experience is one I will never forget. Alfredo and I hooked up a few more times after that whenever he came around to my area. I haven't seen him or heard from him in about 6 years though. The last time he was through I was dating someone else so we kept things on a just a "friend level." I liked the guy I was seeing and didn't want to mess it up. Plus I was starting to feel like Alfredo's out of town booty call. He was always very polite and very sweet. He never pressured me to do anything, but I wanted more and couldn't have that with him. The last time he was around my area I ignored the phone call.

To all the virgins out there: Know your limits and have a strong enough will to stop your partner from doing something you're not comfortable with. Some experts say that your first time actually sets the standard for your entire sex life. Hopefully it's one you remember fondly and not one you regret. By all means use a condom every time! If you are a late bloomer (like myself), try not to feel awkward. Hopefully your partner is sensitive to your inexperience and curiosity. If he doesn't seem that way then fuck him! (Not literally, get out of there!) You will most likely never forget your first time. I can still remember how his cologne smelt! Whether it's a hot one-night thing or the beginning of an ongoing relationship, you can still make the time sexy, fun and special. I hope that it will be a positive experience and you'll cherish the memory forever or at least learn something from it.

For more first time stories please see the post Touched For The Very First Time.
For tips on Anal Sex please see the post Bottomed Out.

The Deal Breakers

For a change of scenery Bobby and I decided to visit Rainbow Mountain Resort Saturday night. Bobby's friend (Ex boyfriend really) Derek accompanied us. I know what you're thinking Rainbow Mountain that sounds uber gay, right? Like a land of a thousand fairies? If you ever saw the Friday The 13th movies the resort looks kind of like that, but only if it was a gay slasher movie with fags frolicking through the woods. I was expecting a buff guy in a hockey mask to jump out in front of me and stab me with his boner. Unfortunately that didn't happen. Maybe next time.

Rainbow Mountain Resort is actually located in the Pocono Mountains of Northeast Pennsylvania. Where the men are hairy and so are some of the women. They are a gay-owned and operated resort, restaurant and nightclub that is situated high atop a mountainside. I have no idea what the rooms/cabins were like because we didn't stay there over night. The views though were pretty even at night. They have a huge swimming pool and sundeck everyone knows how I love a big deck.

I didn't go in the pool. It was dark and I didn't want to accidentally swim into ropes of cum in the water. They also have a decent size hot tub, which to me just screams STD stew but to each their own. Some other amenities include; a heated changing room; an exercise facility; a sauna; tennis, volleyball, badminton and shuffleboard courts; a pond with paddle boats, fishing, and hand jobs provided by local lumberjacks. (kidding...kind of)

The nightclub was fun and that's where we spent most of our time. The crowd was rather mixed with pretty boys (mainly us), cornfed country boys, hippie rednecks, trannies, butch mountain men and lesbians looking for beaver. You have to experience it for yourself, really. The nightclub was like dancing in a barn surrounded by hard wood. It was complete with some mirrors, stripper pole and cage. What? Doesn't every barn have this? Like a naughty fetish barn. To be honest I was expecting to hear the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" at any moment.

  We all had a great time. Bobby ran into people he knew and an enemy he wished he hadn't. I swear this guy made me look like the butchest mo ever. His voice sounded like Karen Walker fucking a chipmunk! He was the biggest bitch I'd ever met, but that didn't deter Bobby from playing tonsil hockey with a tall mountainesque cornfed type hottie. I think they were doing reenactments from Glee, Finn and Rachael style. I lost sight of Bobby a few times. Who knows what he was doing. I personally hit it off pretty well with Bobby's friend Derek. We hung out while Bobby played "How much did a woodchuck, chuck." Derek looked like a cross between Cam Gigandet and Dane Cook. Almost as if they had a love child. I of course got a kiss from him once I told him this. Hey I know how to suck up.








There was something about Derek I couldn't put my finger on. I don't know maybe I did actually want to put my finger on it. I did stick my hands down his pants when he said he had no underwear on. Hey, I had to check, just doing my part for America! He actually has an infectious personality and I had felt like I had known him forever. Some of the people we've met Saturday actually found it hard to believe we had just met that night a few hours before. He reminded me alot of Kevin. You know mouth constantly open with other people's tongues in it. He was a shitload of fun though and I'm sure he'll show up in future posts.

 
Our trip to the wilderness that was Rainbow Mountain was fun I'd definitely go again and suggest you check it out if you're in their neck of the wood. Maybe next time I'll find myself a hot country boy who wants to plow my field. On our way home I began to think about the last time I was at Rainbow Mountain. This wasn't the first time I had been up there. Years ago probably about 7 now, I went there with a guy I was dating. His name was Fred. Fred and I only dated a short time because he crossed one of my deal breakers. He was extremely too clingy! After we had broken up he then proceeded to stalk me for three months. He even went to my house while I was out with other friends and introduced himself to my mother as my boyfriend! He had a few nuts loose obviously.

The Fred situation made me think about dating deal breakers and how everyone has them. Before a possible love connection can flourish there's always compromising that must be considered. Some guys have bad habits, some have bad behaviors and some are just plain weird. An example of a deal breaker could be hygiene although if he looked like this I may let it slide......in and out.

You have to figure out where your limit is. What you can handle. You could almost compare dating to a type of game show. People put all their cards on the table even if their hand sucks. It always best to be upfront and honest if there's an issue in the beginning of a possible love connection. I mean why waste your time, right? You either take it or leave it. BUT everyone has their threshold. A dating deal beaker is something that you just can't look passed and it causes you to say, "I can't do this!"

Bobby told me what his deal breakers are, "If I have to always drive to them (why are so many gay guys carless?)" He is right. "Driving Miss Daisy" was a cute movie but who wants to do that in real life. Honey you're no Jessica Tandy!

Bobby said the guy also has to be out. This actually is one of mine as well. When you're dating someone who isn't out but you are it's like taking a giant leap backwards. It almost feels like you're in the closet with them. Depending on the situation I wouldn't automatically break up with them, but I'd grab a wire hanger and do my best to coach them out. It's not always healthy to stay in the closet. It's one thing to not be out to certain people, but I couldn't deal with keeping it secret from absolutely everyone.

  So what was Bobby's most important deal breaker? The one which isn't up for discussion at all? There's no compromising on this one! "We have to have safe sex all the time." As I always like to say, "No glove, no love!" This is a popular deal breaker among some of my friends and it should be. Why take the risk? If ya don't have a ballon, this clown ain't gonna play with you! They may not be concerned with their own health but YOU should be concerned with yours.

When I asked Knockers what his deal breaker is he said when guys constantly talk about their exes. This is a pretty common one and it's one I actually can't stand. I was out with this guy one time and had to tell him "I really don't want to hear about your ex anymore. He is your past concentrate on now." An "ex" is called an "ex" because it's an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in the future and it's an EXtreme waste of time.

  Sunday was Kevin's graduation picnic. He recently graduated college. (*applause please) I can't believe he did it! This is a person that says "I don't feel like counting the alphabet" and asked me where Maine was. He is book smart, but maybe they are coloring books I'm not sure. (Just kidding.) While I was at Kevin's picnic I asked some of the girls what their deal breakers were and not surprising they have similar ones to gay boys. Bethany said she likes masculine take charge kind of men. This obviously is hard for her to find because she is such a sassy gay boy magnet! Kevin said, "I swear she's gonna end up marrying a gay dude one day." Lola said she likes them thick. she meant body type but I'm sure that included cock as well. Victoria said the guy has to be taller than she is. That's actually another one of mine. You must be this big to ride this ride. When I was in the middle of describing how I like my men strong and thick Kevin's grandmother walked in and her face was priceless. Oops my bad. I had fun with Kevin's family...they drink.

Kevin said his most important deal breaker "If they don't fit in with my friends then they are kicked to the curb!" Another friend of mine said, "My friends have to approve of the guy I'm going out with because my friends mean the world to me." Friends are important and I consider a majority of my friends an extension of my family so I can see why this deal breaker is a must. You always want your potential love interest to get along with your family and friends. I personally value Kevin, James, Bobby, and Sean's opinions on whomever I may be dating. Sometimes your friends can save you from some serious heartbreak. They may sense or pick up something you may not have. "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is." Thank you Spice Girls!

When someone crosses your deal breaker you have to ask yourself, "Can I put up with this forever?" Somethings are made to be broken. Superficial deal breakers like appearance can be adjusted depending on the guy. It's the deal breakers that challenge your values that you have to decide if this could be worth it. Is it deal or no deal?

For information on Rainbow Mountain Resort please visit http://www.rainbowmountain.com
If you have a dating deal breaker and want to share it please click on the blue comment link below to submit.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

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National Coming Out Weekend

Friday

I had a busy beaver kinda weekend. Friday night went out to our local little Gay Bar called Candida's (which is a  yeast like fungi, go figure) to celebrate my friends birthday. Normal drama ensued between Kevin and his ex. Kevin's ex is partnered and still was when they were together. See, this was the problem he had no plans to leave his partner for Kevin. He wanted his cake and twinkie too. Greedy son of a biscuit eating bulldog, if you ask me. The whole thing is a mess and resulted in Kevin making out with another guy who just happens to be partnered as well. He just can't win! I had fun with Andy like always till the guy he is dating showed up (FML) but in the end it still was a fun night. After the bar I went over to a friends house to watch trash T.V. and ended up getting home at 6:30am Saturday morning. Haha

Saturday

Saturday night was Andy's show at Diamonz. (local bar with mostly lesbian clientele) When Kevin, Andy and I showed up the place was crawling with lesbians that looked like Justin Beiber. We were the only gay boys there. Kevin said, "Where's all the gay boys at?" I replied with, "It's only 10:30 they are still getting ready to go out. The lesbians just throw on some flannel and they are out the door." (Don't get me wrong, I like lesbians. My pink taco lover friends are beautiful and after all without them how would Lowes and Home Depot stay in business?)

Ok back to the reason why we were at Diamonz in the first place. Andy was asked to be a backup dancer in a couple Drag shows. He was oiled up and in tight underwear of course I had to be there! He did really well in the show. It was a total bonerfest and again I had a great time till his Lord of The Rings looking guy showed up. Like seriously, don't you have a ring to protect? (We'll call him "Hick" because he doesn't deserve a proper character name) Hick was telling Kevin and I the reason why he was so late was because he met up with another cute guy before coming to Diamonz! It was a "Hold my earrings" moment for me. Why would you tell me you are creeping on one of my closest and sweetest friends? Are you really that stupid? I did the only most logical thing I could do at the moment, I told Andy's Fag Hag Mandy. She said she was gonna "take care of it." I'll keep you all posted on the outcome.

Sunday Outfest

Sunday was Funday in Philly for Outfest. James, His partner Sean, Bobby and myself went down for the festivities. It was refreshing to see over 8,000 gay men, lesbians, trans, and some I didn't know what they were, all together to celebrate. Everything that has been going on recently with the teenage suicides, bullying and our local gay bashing it was a great sight to see! Our nation needs to get it's act together. Maybe if we weren't treated like second class citizens then the bullying and bashings wouldn't happen. It's the "Don't ask, Don't tell" and the simple fact that we can't get married that has made this world the way it is.

While the boys and I were in Philly I called up my good friend Ian, partly because I was dying to see his penthouse and because I really had to pee. (freaking iced mocha) Ian's penthouse was just as I thought it would be, stylish and faggarific! Ian let us park our car there and was a tour guide when we went to the gayborhood. I of course did something embarrassing. (I know shocker, right?) While we were walking to the gayborhood we had to walk through a small portion of Chinatown. This lady tour guide was giving all these tourists information on the area, well I was so busy paying attention to her that I walked right into a pole on the sidewalk! The lady tour guide then turns to my friends and says, "he's got to be more careful!" Ok, cut to me turning all red! End Scene!

I kinda ditched my friends for a bit and met up with my gorgeous, fabulous friend Mr. Knockers. (after it took me like 25 minutes to find him in a crowd of gay men) I hadn't seen Knockers in awhile, not since Kevin and I went down to New Hope for a weekend and I played with Knockers in the pool. (Had his underwear on my head too. It sounded like a good idea at the time.) We have managed to keep in touch since then and to be honest I was very excited to see him again. We ended up ditching the peeps he was with too or as he likes to call them, "the old ladies" and off we went hand in hand.

Most people have said they thought Knockers was bitchy, but truly that's just an outer plastic shell you gotta crack open with a sledgehammer. He really is sarcastically funny, charming with a sweet side once you get to know him. In the end those are all the ingredients to make me wanna point my heels to Jesus. His fag bag I swear he stole it from Mary Poppins! I was waiting to see what he was going to "pull out" next, perhaps more lip balm for his D.S.L's or "Knocker Juice" a concoction of Grey Goose Vodka, Pomegranate liquor, and some other shit. It looked pretty good. Next time I'll have to try the "Knocker Juice" oh and that drink he made as well. (JK)

My visit with Knockers felt like it was cut short when my friends found me and dragged me away. James and Sean had dinner plans with their neighbors at 6. It kind of pissed me off because they are your neighbors, you see them everyday, and you have dinner with them every single Sunday, but how often are we out in Philly? Ian didn't want us to leave yet, and Knockers didn't want me to leave yet. The situation blew donkey dick! I was actually hoping to have dinner in the city (I hadn't eaten all day and had 4 drinks, yikes) and sober up a bit we all could have used that. Overall though it was a fun visit and it made me realize I have to try to get down to Philly more often to see my friends. So from my closet to yours, have a Happy National Coming Out Day.

Bi Bi Closet Case

So I was cleaning out my closet today (I know it's been awhile since I've been in the closet) and it got me thinking about all those "closet cases" out there.  It must be so hard for them to express who they really are. I've been out since I was 20. Some of my friends that are younger than me were out when they were in high school! I can't even imagine that. I was picked on enough as it is. My friend Lynn said, "I'm pretty sure everyone knew you were gay when you came out of your mom's vagina with your lipgloss, screaming HELLO WORLD!" She's probably right. I think people knew before I knew.

Before I admitted I was a full blown sausage jockey, I use to tell people I was bi. This seems to be common in the early stages of "coming out." Some boys though still use the bi term because they can't accept the gay label. Almost like it's "too gay" to say gay. My ex-boyfriend (lying piece of shit that he is) to this day will say that he is bi, although he hasn't been with a girl since high school. He used to tell me he was still attracted to girls. Heck I'm still attracted to girls too. I love the boobs, but wouldn't go near the pink taco with someone else's penis. My ex's parents weren't accepting of his lifestyle at all. It did put a strain on our relationship. He was included in all my family events, but I was not included in theirs. I really think his parents are the reason he liked the bi term so much.

My crush Mr. Andy uses this "bi thing" too. He's not completely out yet and his family doesn't know. His mom confronted him about it a few weeks ago, but he lied to her and said he wasn't gay. He told me that she knows he's lying though and he can't be out with his family because they say it's wrong. This has to be the reason it's easier for Andy to tell people he trusts that he is bi rather than gay. He'll admit he likes girls and he'll even hit on them, but when you start talking about vagina he turns green. (yeah, bi my ass) I tell Andy it's only a matter of time afterall isn't bi just a layover into Gaytown anyway?

The Closet Case can also comes in the form of "straight men." Just ask Kevin he's had sexual encounters with at least 5 questionable straight men. He actually kind of has a fetish about it. I don't know any straight man though that would turn down a blow job. Some guys think a hole is just a hole especially if they're intoxicated. Question is, would you consider these so called straight men bi or are they just whores? I guess we will have to see if these straighties troll the gay bars eventually. Sooner or later everyone has to come out of that cluttered closet to be happy. You can't live a lie forever.