Gatherings

Every holiday season I'm always invited to several parties. Some hosted by gay people, some hosted by straight people. It always astounds me that they are so vastly different. Gay gatherings are what you would normally expect, a bunch of drunken finely dressed catty men huddled around whichever part of the house contains the booze.

Gay parties are the ultimate social gathering. There's no drinking games such as beer pong in fact most don't even have beer. We like our hard liquor.

We do however play many secret games like the one where you suck in your gut so you look better. I don't think I have completely exhaled since 2001. There's also the "I'm better than everyone else" game. I guess that's not a secret that gay men can be rather judgey. We'll criticize your clothes, hair and everything else. There's also the game where you pretend to be interested in getting to know someone, but all you really want to do is fuck them. You know what they say the best way to spread holiday cheer is to take it in the rear! We may not play actual boardgames, but trust me almost every gay man you encounter at a party is playing some type of game.

Steve and Bill's annual holiday party fits the standard mold of gay gatherings. An abundance of liquor... check, food that is always leftover because we drink more than we eat... check, homo friendly straight people such as: MILFs, DILFs, Fag Hags, Fag Stags and the occasional regular Mom... check, and of course a mixture of gay people including Twinks that the hosts have had threesomes, foursomes and whatever kind of 'some' you can think of with... check.

It's not really a secret that at Steve and Bill's parties usually extracurricular activities occur after the straighties leave (usually after midnight. It's like their soccer mom suv's turn into pumpkins.) and the gays get drunker. Every party Steve and Bill usually pick someone to partake. They call this individual the "Hostess Gift." Bobby and I attended this years party fully knowing what to expect. My first time at Steve and Bill's years ago I was asked to be the hostess gift but turned down the offer. And the first time Bobby ever attended a party with Steve and Bill he kind of became the appetizer or pre-gift, but it was just a taste (literally) before Bobby stopped it.

This year the party was no different. Bobby and I met some interesting people and hung out with the party regulars that attend every year. We met this interesting fellow named Travis. He was cute, nice, and a hairdresser. He told us he had met Steve and Bill at a club in Philly and upon further inquiry I discovered he had been to their house before aka "he did stuff with them" but this was his first time at their holiday party. He told us that Bill picked him up from the train station and he blew off another party to attend this one. "I thought this one would be more fun and debaucherish." he said as he smiled. That told me one thing, Travis is this years hostess gift! I broke the ice with Travis the best I could. Once conversation starts flowing Bobby becomes more relaxed and chimes in. I knew he was attracted to Travis and could tell he wanted to get to know him more which he did throughout the night... Cut to... Bobby making out with him.

I managed to make friends with a lovely straight couple. She resembled Lea Michelle (from Glee) and he was, well he was fucking hot! I joked with Lea that her husband was a commodity and all the gays at the party wanted him. He was the party's token DILF and he seemed rather flattered. He didn't even mind when I rubbed his head, felt his pecs and told him I could sit on his face and bust a nut on it. Before we left Bobby and Travis exchanged numbers. Later we found out that because Steve wasn't feeling up to it and because Bobby and Travis hit it off so well, that nothing extracurricular occurred. Travis slept in the guest room. Looks like Bobby got the hostess gift and he wasn't even the hostess.

The weekend after Steve and Bill's, Kevin and I attended Harold's annual Holiday party. (Bobby was in New Jersey having a date with Travis.) Harold's parties are similar to Steve and Bill's. Lots of liquor, some food, some straight people and Twinks he wants to, but doesn't usually get to sleep with. I think Kevin's been the hostess gift for almost everyone but the host. (kidding kind of) At Harold's parties we tend to know almost everyone. Kile was there and Andy and Brett made a short guest appearance. Things were fun until midnight rolled around.

Kile had been seeing this guy in New Jersey, he had just gotten to Harold's and brought some people with him. Among the people was my ex fiancé Richard! I quickly grabbed Kevin and pulled him into the kitchen. "That's Richard!" I said in shock! "O! M! G! No way!?" Kevin replied. Kevin had only met Richard once and it was brief and years ago. Kevin peeked his head around the corner turned back and looked at me, "Yep it's him! Do you want to leave? We can go!" he said. Kile had no idea what was going and was in mid introduction with everyone when Richard said, "oh, yeah that's my ex." He said it like I was just a footnote in a book that was filled with other guys. I was determined to not let this fucker ruin anymore of my life. He lies, he cheats and he uses people. And there he was right in front of me.

Look what the gonorrhea and syphilis dragged in! I looked at Kevin and said, "No I'll be ok as long as he doesn't try to talk to me or anything. If they stay downstairs I'll be fine."

I guess Kile knowing it was a bad idea to mix us he kept his group downstairs. He came up to Kevin and I sitting on the couch and apologized. I realize he had no clue at all so it wasn't his fault. As the night drew on and the alcohol turned into emotion I became both equal parts hurt and crazy. If I could have picked up the piano and thrown it at Richard I would have. I even tried. Hey I was drunk. And there was a brief hunt for Harold's kitchen knives which was faltered by Kevin shutting the drawer after I opened it while saying, "that's not enough knives."

I felt like I was going to have a Carrie on prom night kind of moment. But it was Kevin who calmed me down.

The true colors of Kevin's friendship really shined that night. He cuddled with me on the couch, and kissed me innocently a little bit to calm me down. The whole thing was just about perfect except he made out with his ex whom was also sitting with us, but hey its Kevin he isn't a Saint although he has been on his knees like one. Truth be told I'd be perfectly happy to go another 4 years without seeing Richard's snaggletoothed face (he has a chipped tooth in the front. He told me it was because another ex punched him, but if Richard treated him anything like he treated me then I'd say he deserved it.) I've learned that a bruised heart is much like fruit you have to keep it cold to preserve it. If Richard was the one to bruise it then that makes my friends the ones to keep it preserved.

The gatherings just keep on coming. Jules invited me to a little kid friendly ice cream social. You're suppose to bring your own topping and I'm probably the only person in the world to bring liquor to an ice cream social and convince everyone to order chinese takeout. The chinese food was good! The gathering was small. It was just Jules and her almost two year old son who was obsessed with cows and called the Elmo on his shirt "Melmo," (how cute is that?) Jules' sister and her son and Sven. Blue eyed smily Sven! They had football on when I walked in. Good thing I brought the liquor! It was a fun evening despite those weren't the kind of tight ends I had in mind. It was nice to catch up with everyone. I have missed them all.

I always dread New Years. I never have any luck on this holiday. The last few years have ended in tears so to pull myself out of my traditional "I want to cut myself" feeling I decided to spend it with straight people! I know, shocking! Kevin's friend Rose invited us over for a neighborhood party. I've been to a couple parties hosted by Kevin's neighborhood friends. They are what you would expect of college aged people. Rose had beer, some hard liquor, drinking games (We played 'Never Have I Ever' "Never have I ever had anal sex" it was funny cause mostly everyone drank.

Hmm there's hope for straight people yet.) and she had some food too. We mainly lived off of vodka soaked gummy bears and worms which were amazing! They need their own food group. Kate's boyfriend Ben always insists that Kyle and I are faking being gay so we can grab boobs and "stuff." Boob grabbing is one thing vajay-jay licking is another. I always tell him I could prove to him that I'm really gay, but he is scared of what I might do and backs off. I'll admit despite the straightness I didn't feel any awkwardness. It also helped that Lynn and her boyfriend were also there so I knew people. And I wasn't the oldest Kate's dad was hanging out with us. He listened to all the "Never I have evers" till he passed out in a bean bag chair and we all drew on him with permanent marker. Mental note: never pass out at a straight party.

Nothing says ringing in the New Year quite like drinking champagne out of a big red solo cup. Those cups are the devil! I believe at one point I actually had three drinks going. They say who you kiss and who you are with when the clock strikes midnight is the person that you'll spend the year with.

I kissed Kevin and if that means I'll spend the year with one of my best friends then I'm all for it, but I also kissed a bunch of the girls, so does that mean there's vagina in my future? Now that's just scary.          

Dating Profile Pet Peeves

They say that 80% of all relationships form now online. I believe it! Over the years I've seen the growth in online gay dating sites and now dating apps right on your smart phone. Most gay men today use these sites to either meet that special someone, meet friends, hookups, networking, and just to chat. Checking your messages on these sites have now become as common as checking your email. It's an everyday thing.
I use the term "gay dating sites" loosely because most gay men don't even know what real dating is! They use the term "dating" as a another word for hooking up and nothing more. With sites like Manhunt, Adam4Adam and Gay.com discreetly meeting men has become relatively easy. With smart phone apps like Grindr and Jack'd, technology has put gaydar right in your pocket.

Grindr has lead the way it is the largest all male location-based mobile network tool for Android, iPhone, iPod touch, iPad and BlackBerry! Unlike traditional website for dating or social networking, Grindr and Jack'd are meant to be mobile. They use the GPS technology in your mobile device to instantly locate guys in your area. Sounds a little scary doesn't it? Especially when it says that someone is 5 feet away from you. It makes stalking someone a hell of a lot easier! You call it stalking, I call it intense research on a certain individual. These smart phone apps have replaced the personal hello with private messaging someone whom may only be a couple feet away from you. Guys use it to "break the ice." Hellos have been replaced with dick pics and "you're hot" greetings.

For whatever reason you use gay dating sites or apps there should be a form of etiquette to follow. I've chatted/interviewed people and these are their biggest dating profile pet peeves.

  •A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words
It's 2011 people if you don't have a picture in your profile, what's wrong with you!? Knockers says "Nothings annoys me more if they don't have a face pic or any pic for that matter!" If you're using a mobile app there's a freaking camera attached to your phone! Not having a picture is not an excuse anymore.

I know there are times when you don't want to show your face, that's why there's always a sea of headless torsos, but it's polite to at least send or unlock a photo if you're interested in someone. Another pet peeve I find so annoying is when someone asks for a face pic and they don't even have one posted or it's just a body shot. Don't ask for a picture unless you send one first.

Having recent photos is always best. I personally say don't use a photo that is more than few years old. When you do actually plan to meet up you wouldn't like a guy showing up at your door looking nothing like his photo and neither does your potential date. Always, ALWAYS use a picture of yourself. No fakes, please.

  •I'm Just Looking For Friends, Wanna Fuck?
We've all seen this before. You ask someone what they are looking for exactly and they say, "just friends" and then they try to remove your underwear with their teeth. I don't know about you, but I don't play like that with my friends. A common phrase is "I don't just hookup." or "I really don't hook up." Many guys love to say they never hookup, some actually don't, but some by the end of the first date they are often doing just that with their legs up in the air and a smile on their face. Kile said he can't stand when profiles say "Looking for a long term relationships or friendships," Then sending a message like, "Let me suck your dick!" Be honest with what you are looking for. If you want friends, fine. If you're looking for a relationship, fine. If you're a slutty male escort with a huge cock, fine. If you wanna bump uglies behind Red Robin, fine. Just be honest on your profile and with yourself.

•Listing All The Things I Don't Want And All The Things I Do. We all have preferences yes, but when does it go too far? Out of all the pet peeves this one has everyone's panties twisted. Too many people are focused on what they think their ideal partner, friend or hookup should be, they let potentially awesome guys slip away because they don't fit their citeria of hot. Tristan agrees, "I get irritated when they use any part of the limited space in a profile to exclude people and be rude. "Nobody over 40! No black guys!" and the like. Sorry kid, you don't get enough email to require a personal assistant. Get over yourself and realize that you've shut off a potentially very big group of interesting people. The one that I guess does bug me is the vague negative, ie "Get away disgusting old guys." Only because the definition of old is VERY vague. So if I'm any older than you at all, I'm not gonna bother saying hi." Which I have to add is a shame because Tristan is one of nicest and most respectful people I know. He is a gem in a beach full of sand.

Douchebagsofgrindr.com

One of my Twitter followers stated, "I hate when guys just put what they're NOT looking for, and the list is really long. Judgemental much?!" Bobby feels the same way and adds, "When guys put no Fats/Fems" it annoys me because they are already starting out on a negative note, like they are better then these people! They are putting it right out there, and doing it in a derogatory manner. I also hate the "Be Masc" guess what boys? You're looking to have sex with/date/cuddle/kiss a guy, some people might not consider that overly masculine!" Bobby's right that's not really "straight acting" is it? When a gay guy tells me he is "straight acting" I always say, "so you suck dick and pretend to hate it? I never went to that acting school."
Douchebagsofgrindr.com

This pet peeve is so popular that it even fueled the creation of the site www.douchebagsofgrindr.com, where you can find "All your douchebag needs from the profiles of Grindr." The site features profiles of guys from Grindr being complete assholes. From guys being racists to arrogant they all are featured here.
Douchebagsofgrindr.com

I don't know which is more entertaining the profiles from Grindr itself or the comments people leave for the douchebags. Either way there is a lesson to be learned from this website. There's enough bigots out there. Why as an LGBT community must we behave this way amongst ourselves? Don't we receive enough hate from the world? You can say what you are looking for without being a douchebag.
•Age is Just A Number, Right?
If people say you look 23, but you're really 33, guess what honey you're not 23! Don't lie about your age. No one wants to be lied to. Just be honest. If the Twink thinks you are too old, then they are missing out on a great opportunity. It is totally their loss! If you're chasing after someone whom is extremely younger than you perhaps there are bigger issues at play here. Sometimes older men feel the need to lie about their age because:
1) They have a fear of getting older and want to remain that Peter Pan playing with his lost boys forever.
2) They feel that the younger gay men won't be into them ie "No old disgusting guys!" so they lie about their age to make themselves more appealing.

I am a firm believer in "age is just a number" to a point! If you are just looking for a friend or a hookup then who really cares how old the person is. My biggest pet peeve is when older gay men continuously chase after younger gay men for relationships. The younger guy hasn't even experienced life yet and you want to tie him down because that's what you're into. No wonder it doesn't work out or he isn't interested. It's extremely common for guys in their 40's to chase after the gay Twink crowd 18-23. You're old enough to be their father and yet you're shocked when it doesn't work out? I believe in the 10 year rule. I'm 32 so I usually won't date anyone younger than 22 or older than 42. Of course there's always exceptions to this rule. Don't let an awesome guy slip away. It's just a guideline I use, but I'll never put in my profiles "no oldies" it's rude. I have friends of all ages. But in terms of dating, I feel anyone ten years older or younger than me will not have things in common with me. If you're 40 chasing only after 20 year olds wondering why you aren't having any luck, perhaps it is time you wake up and smell the hemorrhoid cream, because chances are, that 20 year old doesn't need it.

  •Skanks, Sluts, And Whores
Gay dating sites can be very frustrating for those guys that truly want to meet someone worth wild. A Twitter follower states, "Gay men never seem to wanna settle, just hookup." I told him to hang in there and not everyone is like that, but I feel his pain. Most dating sites have become easier ways to find guys to hookup with. Like Bobby says, "Why do so many have that Pinocchio complex they all want no strings attached." For those of you that just want to use these sites for hooking up, that's fine. But don't be nasty to the ones that turn you down or continue to harass them after they have said no.

Kevin hates it when guys on apps like Grindr don't even start up a normal conversation they just ask for sex or send dick pics right away. Kevin said, "You know me, I'm known to be a complete asshole to the skanks!" I know what you're thinking hello pot, meet kettle, but even Kevin would like a normal conservation and at least an introduction first before licking your balls with his huge tongue. I told Kevin, "You are just threatened and don't want to be out skanked!" He laughed. Knockers states, "I know most use it for hooking up, but when u get a message like "when are you free?" it's really annoying." Again it all comes down to being honest with what you are looking for. If you're just looking for hookups clearly state that in your profile. If you want something serious or just friends clearly state that. And for all you hookeruppers if you see on someone's profile they aren't into hookups then why are you messaging them asking for it in the first place?

•Be RespectfulYou'll be surprised on how far politeness will actually get you, whether it's just chatting or meeting for the first time. Apparently a huge pet peeve is the "no response." Picture it, you see the man of your dreams on Adam4Adam. You can totally picture buying some cats and furniture from ikea together. His profile is perfect. He is into bondage and latex too! You private message him and get no response at all. Maybe he is um tied up, but most likely he just ignored you. Dylan said, "I can't stand it when guys just delete a message without replying back. Just say you aren't interested." Bobby says he sees this all the time and it's one of his biggest pet peeves. "When their profile reads 'Say something more than "Hi" or "Hey", be original"... Most of the men on these sites see a message from someone and without thinking twice they close/delete the message like it never happened. I refuse to put any effort into an opening greeting when chances are, they are just going to ignorantly close the message as soon as they feel my picture isn't deemed worthy of their time. If its too much trouble for a guy to say "hello" back to me then he has probably saved us both time and energy because I wouldn't be interested in a guy who starts out on that foot."

•I Have A Boyfriend
If you're in a monogamous loving relationship then why do you have a profile on a dating site? Unless you're in an open relationship or looking for a third to join in with you and your hunny, you shouldn't be on a gay dating site. I have seen and know for a fact that these sites create nothing but problems for so called happy couples! They can create drama where there doesn't need to be drama. Why are you going to risk your relationship just to chat with the jockboy who is hung like horse? I've seen relationships form because of gay dating sites, but I have also seen relationships destroyed because of them. These sites are suppose to mainly cater towards single men. I hate when they use the excuse that they are just looking for friends. If that's the case then I believe Facebook would be a better option for you. At least there you can't send dick pics back and forth to each other. So I urge you, if you are truly happy in your relationship delete all your dating site profiles. If your partner doesn't know about them, he will. If you don't think he won't find out about the conversations you've had or the activities you've done on the sites, he will. Either he will find out on his own or someone you've been talking too will tell him. Some people love to create problems for people in relationships don't give them the ammo.

•Have FunApps like Grindr were created to be fun and provide a way to meet new and interesting people easier. So with that being said, have fun with it! For whatever reason you use gay dating sites that's really your prerogative. They may not lead to the love of your life, or even a hookup, but you may find a friend or someone interesting to talk too. Remember to always play safe if you meet and use your head not your penis. Bad decisions today could lead to heartbreak and regret tomorrow.

So what do you do when you actually get that first date? Check out the post Dating Etiquette for more tips.

Like A Virgin

"Like a virgin, touched for the very time..." echoes in the club as I'm pushed to the stage. At this point I'm beyond drunk and a couple friends have to hold me upright. My friend, Toni is on stage announcing to everyone that it's my 21st birthday, while pointing at me. More than half the people in this gay bar, in the middle of bumble fuck already know it's my birthday and that's why they are here. The few stragglers that had no clue, actually came over to say "Happy Birthday" and to buy "the 21 year old" a drink or shot. Like I needed more, but you're only 21 once. Why do people say that anyways? You're only any age once.
Most of the people at my party I knew from an online chat room called "Gay PA." (This is how I actually starting talking to my best friend James.) I had a WebTV back then. It was a DVD player-sized box that plugged into your TV and a phone jack to connect you to the Internet. I know it sounds retro and there was probably little gerbils inside the box, on a wheel making it work. WebTV had a remote control and a wireless keyboard you could use to surf around. It was perfect for chatting and for looking at nude pics of hot naked men in the middle of night while everyone else was asleep. I'm just saying, of course I never did that. (sarcasm)

Chat rooms were big back then and people from the Gay PA room occasionally all got together to party and to meet. I had met mostly everyone previously at a couple other events. The Gay PA chat room was actually my first real step into accepting myself as gay. I had people all over the state to talk too (most of them a lot older) and it helped to know I wasn't the only one struggling with their sexuality. It also helped I asked a lot questions about being gay. The older guys in the room took me under their fairy wings. Even though I hadn't known all these people long face to face, I chatted with them for months. I felt safe with these people. I knew their stories and for the very first time ever I felt accepted. They all knew me as the young, naive, nice, red headed virgin. Hence the reason "Like A Virgin" was playing. The guy I came with and who I was kinda dating, asked the DJ to play it.

As I sat there eating my red velvet cake that one of my online chat friends made for me, a very tall, very handsome man came up to me. I instantly knew who he was from the chat room. I have been talking to Alfredo for over a year, but since he lived in Erie (literally all the way across my state about 7 hours away.) I hadn't met him yet. He was around 29 when I first met him. He was very tall, but then again I'm not even quite 5'6 so everyone is tall. Alfredo had thick black hair and a nice lean, toned body. His background of course was 100% Italian, but unfortunately didn't have the accent. I only caught hints of it as he spoke. He looked very manly with his facial stubble, mustache and chest hair protruding out from the collar of his polo shirt. He was extremely polite and charming, which I assumed he would be from us chatting, but you never know. After opening my presents (Toni got me a pink kneeling pad she said I may need it some day. I actually still have it!) and tearful goodbyes we all parted ways.

2 years go by and yes I was still a virgin! Like some, I was waiting for the right one to pop my cherry. My mom like many mothers always said, "Nobody's gonna buy the milk if you're giving it out for free." I had only dated a few guys and none of them were Mr. Right. It felt like it was just a sea of men that wanted to hook up. Once they discovered it took a little more effort before I'd let them swim into my ocean (still does) they gave up the chase. I had this romanticized vision of how I wanted my first time to be, so I "saved it" like the Holy Grail! I didn't need to be in love, but I wanted to at least have some sort of emotional connection. I wanted to feel safe and look back on it fondly, not with regret.

Alfredo and I still kept in touch periodically through that two year span. His twin sister had moved out my way and he planned to stop by to visit me on his way back for a couple days. When I finally saw him again he still looked the same. Still tall, dark and handsome with puppy dog eyes and a beautiful smile. I had changed and he remarked how great I looked. I was about 110 pounds, tan, (thanks to the indoor tanning beds) with a nice six pack. (which showed because I was so small) I go-go danced at a bar in New Hope once a week and was a shooter boy the rest of the time. I may been naive when it came to the whole sex thing, but I had flirting with men down. Heck, that's how I earned my tips at the bar. Dancing on top of a box for 5 plus hours and working out every week did my body good. I couldn't put on weight to save my life but I was nicely toned. I was a Twink! A thin 26 inch waisted Twink! Alfredo was amazed by my transformation and he kept staring at me with a goofy smile.

Our plan for the evening was to go to the bar I worked at. It was a Sunday night and that was drag night. I worked there mostly Fridays and the occasional Saturday so I had no idea what Sunday's were like. Alfredo took me out for dinner and actually wanted to stay in New Hope. This way we could drink and not worry about driving all the way home. Plus at the time I still lived at home and he didn't want a bad first impression with my mom. There was a Best Western right before you actually got to the bar so Alfredo got us a room there.

The bar wasn't busy but I recognized a few faces. They came up to me to say hello and were shocked I had clothes on. After a bunch of vodka and Sprites and a few martinis mixed in, we stumbled back to the Best Western. The room was small. The bed spread had this ugly floral design. It looked like a florist threw up and the carpet was a dark navy color. There was a long dresser up against the wall and a TV sitting on top of it in the corner. It wasn't the fanciest room but hey it was a Best Western not the Hilton! I got undressed and climbed into the bed I remember I only had black 2xist briefs on. Alfredo had on a wifebeater and blue boxers. He cuddled with me and spooned me under the covers. I could tell he was turned on because it was poking my back. Alfredo was a very respectful type of person and I knew he never would make the first move on me.

I thought to myself, "Ok this is it! I've waited long enough. There isn't going to be anyone nicer than him. I've known him for awhile, I trust him and he is fucking sexy!" I rolled over so I was facing him. He pretended to be asleep already. "Stop pretending! I know you're awake" I said. He opened his eyes slowly, "Yes Kitten?" he replied. (Alfredo always had cute nicknames for me, Kitten was one of them.) I leaned forward a bit and kissed him. This was the first time we really kissed and his mustache tickled my face. I was trying to hold back a giggle. Once Alfredo got the green light his inner animal took over. My black briefs were taken off and thrown across the room to disappear into the darkness.

I had talked to Alfredo for years online and we were quite close. We talked about everything. He had told me he wasn't into the whole anal sex thing and actually enjoyed oral more, especially giving it. He got off more on giving it to someone then actually getting it himself. As I took off his boxers I discovered something he had neglected to mention. Alfredo has a huge Italian Stromboli! It was massive and hairy. I could tell he kept it groomed so it wouldn't become a jungle, but he was obviously hairy and hairy everywhere! He just maintains it the best he can. I thought to myself, "Wow he must go through razors like crazy!" Alfredo climbed on top of me and kissed his way down. He said I tasted good. Like sweet and salty. It must have been the salt scrub I used while showering earlier. It tickled when he reached my navel and played with my belly button ring. I couldn't hold the giggles in. I'm very, very ticklish everywhere.

  Alfredo's hot mouth felt great on my penis. He knew what he doing and he did it very well. He could have sucked the nails out of a board. I wanted to reciprocate, but he was more interested in pleasing me. He was right, he did actually get off more by making me squirm. Even though he wasn't into the whole anal sex thing we played "just the tip" he stuck his beef thermometer in just enough so I felt a sensation, but not in far enough to take my temperature. He had more fun digitizing my love hole than anything. Between the sensation of his fingers and him alternating between blowing me and jacking me off, I came all over my stomach. He finished himself off after watching me, then got us a towel. We got under the covers and he spooned me again. He whispered, "Sleep well Kitten" in my ear and I passed out.

The next morning I awoke feeling a warm sensation. There Alfredo was again! He was going down on me and really going at it. Screw Folgers this was the best part of wakin' up! He made me cum two times that's how intense his blow jobs were and each time he swallowed. He was a real Hoover caught in a dust storm and I haven't had someone S my D that good since. When I finished he got up and walked to bathroom. I sat up on the bed gesturing him to come back over I figured I owed him at least a blow job. "It's your turn" I said with a grin. "I already came on the towel. (The towel was at the foot of the bed I guess in all my moaning I must have missed it.) That was enough for me" he said smiling. "I'm gonna get in the shower. Check out is at 11, figured I'd take ya out for breakfast then. I've had my protein but you haven't had anything" again he smiled. He looked like a little kid that just got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

  I was hunting around the room for my underwear but couldn't find them. I picked the condom and wrapper off the floor, wrapped it in a tissue and threw it away. I didn't want the maid to get grossed out. Even though we didn't really have anal sex he still wore one to tease my hole. I looked around the room and saw a coffee maker next to the TV on top of the long dresser. I figured I'd attempt to make him coffee. It was of course the least I could do. He paid for the room, he blew me a few times. I owed him something. I put the grounds in the maker and poured the water in. When I flipped the switch nothing happened. "What the fuck!" I pulled on the cord and realized it wasn't plugged in. There was an outlet on the wall right behind the dresser. It must have been plugged in there. I grabbed the cord, but I couldn't quite reach the outlet so I attempted to move the dresser away from the wall a little. In my efforts, the dresser leaned forward too much which caused the TV sitting on it to fall forward. It was so heavy and knocked me on the floor.

There I was butt ass naked underneath a huge TV! I literally couldn't move! It had me completely pinned down and didn't even buy me dinner first! I didn't want to yell out in fear that someone else would hear me and barge into the room, you know like a maid or something. So I just laid there quietly waiting for Alfredo to come out of the shower. When he finally openned the door and appeared out of the corner of my eye he said, "What on earth are you doing?" I struggled a bit with the TV and said, "What's it look like? I'm making coffee!"

Having gotten to second base with a TV, my first gay sexual experience is one I will never forget. Alfredo and I hooked up a few more times after that whenever he came around to my area. I haven't seen him or heard from him in about 6 years though. The last time he was through I was dating someone else so we kept things on a just a "friend level." I liked the guy I was seeing and didn't want to mess it up. Plus I was starting to feel like Alfredo's out of town booty call. He was always very polite and very sweet. He never pressured me to do anything, but I wanted more and couldn't have that with him. The last time he was around my area I ignored the phone call.

To all the virgins out there: Know your limits and have a strong enough will to stop your partner from doing something you're not comfortable with. Some experts say that your first time actually sets the standard for your entire sex life. Hopefully it's one you remember fondly and not one you regret. By all means use a condom every time! If you are a late bloomer (like myself), try not to feel awkward. Hopefully your partner is sensitive to your inexperience and curiosity. If he doesn't seem that way then fuck him! (Not literally, get out of there!) You will most likely never forget your first time. I can still remember how his cologne smelt! Whether it's a hot one-night thing or the beginning of an ongoing relationship, you can still make the time sexy, fun and special. I hope that it will be a positive experience and you'll cherish the memory forever or at least learn something from it.

For more first time stories please see the post Touched For The Very First Time.
For tips on Anal Sex please see the post Bottomed Out.

It's All About Spanking The Monkey

or Masturbating, Jerking Off, Stroking It, Jacking Off, Wank, Spanking It, Assault on a Friendly Weapon, Squirting Some Tadpoles, Beating Off, Making Batter, Choking The Chicken, Beating Your Meat, Blow Your Load, Polishing The Wood, Bludgeon the Beefsteak, Bopping your Bologna, Couch Hockey for One, Father Palm and His Five Friends, Devil's Handshake, Making The Dew, Spreading The Mayo, Greasing your Bone, Hand Job, Handy-J, Jackin' the Beanstalk, Making Nut Butter, Jerk the Gherkin, Mangling the Midget, Playing With Your Noodle, Polishing The Bishop, Pump the Python, Rubbing One Out, Scratching An Inch, Punchin' The Munchkin, Shaking Hands With Shorty, Shifting The Gear, Tenderize The Meat, Tickle The Pickle, Waxin' your Jackson, Wiggling your Worm, Tossing The Dwarf, Anointing The Altar Boys, Wrist Work, Yanking It, Posing My Action Figure, Favoring Oneself In An Unsatisfactory Way, Popping The Weasel, Releasing Frustration.

They say an average adult male thinks about sex every 7 seconds. I wonder if gay males think about it more often? Masturbation is something just about everyone does, but rarely talks about. You know the joke, "Stop playing with yourself or you'll go blind!" or "Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten." If these were true then there be blind people and kitten carcasses all over the place! Touching ourselves is what hands are for. If we weren't made to touch ourselves we would have been born like T-Rexes

With the success of my post It's All About The Banana, I decided to do another one about Wanking your Doodle Dandy. Below are fun filled facts about masturbation. Some I found online, others I discovered from chatting with people and I even conducted my own survey.

  -Masturbation refers to sexual stimulation, especially of one's own genitals, often to the point of orgasm.
When I was young I had no idea what it was or what I was doing. All I remember is it felt good. The first time I spooged all over I was like, "What is this icky stuff?" I was only 12 and hadn't started Health class yet, so I was pretty clueless. I learned quickly though as most males do. I mean how can we not touch our genitalia it just hangs there!

-The first ejaculation in males often occurs about 12 months after the onset of puberty
Oh my god look I have hair down there! The carpet matches the drapes!

-Many men who began masturbation or other sexual activity prior to puberty report having been able to achieve multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms.
All that good feeling with no messy clean up!

-Nocturnal emission is the ejaculation of semen during sleep.
During puberty, 13% of males experience their first ejaculation as a result of a nocturnal emission. (wet dreams)
Sweet dreams are made of this. "Have Happy Nocturnal Emissions" should be on a greeting card. I'm gonna call Hallmark.

"There once was a man from Bandoo. Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo!"

-Studies show that 81% of men began masturbating between the ages of 10 and 15 and the largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17!

See we start out as little perverts at an early age. From the survey I conducted I discovered the average age of first time masturbation is between 11-14. Derek told me a story of the first time he ever Choked Richard Till He Threw Up; "I was dry humping a pillow and came. I was only 12 years old and my penis fell limp right away, so I thought I broke it! It really scared me! I started to cry and have a fit. I asked my dad what happened and he said, "Well it isn't broken and trust me I'm sure you'll be doing that a lot more often, so make sure you are getting your sheets washed!" Then he told me I didn't have to just hump, I could rub it too! It was a very tender father, son moment." Sounds like a future Disney movie to me!

-Circle jerk is slang for male group masturbation (usually referring to a practice of adolescent males).
You know boys will be boys. Among some people I have chatted with some say it was common when they were younger for a small group of guys to hang out and masturbate together. (not touching each other just in the same room.) I've also heard of guys making games out of jerking off. Like the first one to cum wins or the one that shoots his load the furthest wins. Oh the secret games guys will play together when they are bored! Of course none of these guys were even considered gay at the time either. (Rolls eyes) Future homos or closet cases in the making.

-Many men masturbate daily, or even more frequently, well into their 20s and sometimes far beyond. Alfred Kinsey's studies have shown that 92% of men will masturbate in their lifespan. About 50% of men masturbate at least once a day, 75% at least once a week, and 99% at least once a month!
Among the survey that I conducted I found that most guys Tame The Snake at least once a day, five times a week. Guys with a higher sex drive (various ages) will masturbate 2-3 times a day or any chance they can get! Sounds like those guys have a lot of um time on their hands. (pun intended) Kevin stated, "I think it's so much better when u let ur balls fill up!" Kevin is always good at advice giving.

-Some men are able to masturbate for hours at a time, achieving orgasm many times.
I call these men, lucky bastards! Perhaps it's a good thing that all of us can't do this. Things would never get done and surfaces everywhere would be sticky! From my survey I discovered that the average time one plays with his Flesh Twinkie is 5-20 minutes.

-Autofellatio is the act of a male performing oral sex on himself. Only 1 in 400 men are flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure.
Bending it like Beckham! Dogs lick themselves because they can and if all guys could do that you know we would. Heck, if I could do that I'd never leave me house again!

•Ways To Prolong Orgasm

-Edging
Or also called "The Start and Stop Technique" Coming nearly close to climax or ejaculation, then stopping sexual stimulation in order to delay the orgasm, so that the ultimate climax will be more intense. "Edging" is not a practice necessary inclusive of masturbation, but is also practiced amongst homosexual and heterosexual partners. Edging is a good sex therapy technique for a man to learn control of his ejaculation.
"I'm on the edge of glory and hanging on moment with you" brings new meaning to the song now huh.
 
-Kegel Exercises
Though commonly used by women, men can also use Kegel exercises to help achieve stronger erections and gain greater control over ejaculation. Kegel exercises are exercises done to increase the strength of the pelvic floor muscle and to help achieve better orgasms. One exercise for men to try is to hold your urine in. While peeing hold your urine in so you stop peeing for a count of ten. Then release, pee a little and hold again. Do this a few times every time you pee it will help you hold back and you'll last longer. One warning though, don't do this in public restrooms because the guying peeing next to you will think you're cray cray.

•Health Benefits of Slamming the Salami 

-Masturbation is healthy! In fact, it is a natural way that you express and explore your body and sexual feelings.
Love thy self so you can love others.

-Some professionals consider masturbation to function as a cardiovascular workout.
It's like Curves for men!

-Masturbation may increase fertility during intercourse. A recent study found daily ejaculation to be an important factor in sperm health and motility.
Ew breeder sex, but I assume this is important since it takes breeders to make a mo anyways.

 
-Both sex and masturbation lower blood pressure.
It also promotes world peace. Ok maybe that last one is a little out there, but think of it, if men were too busy playing with their little guns, they wouldn't have time for anything else. 

 
-Sexual climax, from masturbation or otherwise, leaves one in a relaxed and contented state, followed closely by drowsiness and sleep.
Results for my survey indicate that a majority of men play with their Wang before they go to bed to help them relax. 

-Endorphins released during orgasm can dull the chronic pain of backaches and arthritis as well as migraines.
Calgone can't take you a way that much!

-It is held in many mental health circles that masturbation can relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-worth.
A wank a day keeps the blues away. 

-Masturbating daily will promote greater prostate health and prevent cancer.
Enough said!

  •Masturbation Fetishes
(I don't recommend all of these, some are so weird!)

-Autoerotic asphyxia is the practice of self-induced strangulation or asphyxiation while masturbating.
This is dangerous, but the only nice part is you don't need a safety word. I guess if you went too crazy on yourself you could make yourself pass out, which isn't a good idea if you're by yourself.

-Masturbation in front of your partner can be a turn-on for both partners and is a very enjoyable part of lovemaking. Mutual Masturbation or a Hand Job (Handy-J) can be a safe sex practice and very erotic.
Don't have a partner? You can try to fake it by trying the masturbation technique called "The Stranger" sit on your non-dominant hand till it goes numb (for me it's my left hand) and Whack your Willy. Because you won't have much feeling in that hand you're using, it will fill like someone else is touching you.

-Axillary intercourse is the sexual activity in which a man masturbates his penis in his partner's armpit.
People actually do this? "Wow hunny that new Old Spice deodorant is really turning me on. I'm about to bust a nut all in your pits!" You could wear it then like an Axe commercial "Double pits to chestie."

-More than 70% of men aged 18-34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month.
Porn is often used in conjunction with playing with oneself. Kevin says, "I blast my porn until I get a really good one to finish the job." I'll admit I do the same. Some scenes just turn you on more than others do.

-Men often will call upon erotic memories during masturbation. Like past sexual encounters and fantasies.
I'd be lying if I said I've never done this. Can ya guess who I think about?

-Ablutophilia is the sexual pleasure derived from taking baths, showers, or other modes of washing oneself.
I can't take a bath without "sinking the submarine" to be honest. The survey I did stated that in the shower was the second most popular place (Bed was the first) to send your "Seamen" into battle.

-Sex Toys like a dildo are often intended for bodily penetration during masturbation or sex with a partner or partners.
The orgasms produced by anal play of a male are usually more pleasurable than the orgasm of regular masturbation. Some men have reported having multiple consecutive orgasms, particularly without ejaculation.
It is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation (dry orgasm). Most times this can only occur through anal simulation. See the post Advice: Bottomed Out for more info. 

-Other Masturbation toys such as Fleshlight (For straight men) and a Fleshjack (For gay men) are popular self simulating tools. I've heard from multiple sources that this is the sex toy to invest in!

So I have to ask how many of you want to touch yourself after reading this? Does little Jimmy wanna play? Just remember masturbation does not cause hairy palms, deafness, scarlet fever, brain damage, cause you to go insane or send you straight to hell. BUT

haha just kidding guys. So wank away it's healthy. (in moderation) Just remember if you're a shooter keep your eyes closed that shit burns.

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Flashback

Derek: "So how old is your friend going to be?"
Me: "I believe he is turning 30."
Derek: "Isn't that considered gay death?"
Me: "Ew! I'm 32!"
Derek: "I'm aware, but aren't you a zombie?"
Me: "Yeah and I'm totally going to eat you!"

That was our conversation a couple days before the party. I can't help but feel Derek is right. I mean after I turned 30 things started to go downhill. My body has changed and I swear I can't recover from a night of partying like I used too! I wake up feeling like an old man and even walking like an old man. You know what I'm talking about. They always walk around like their balls are hanging down by their ankles! I check mine everyday and I swear they are slowly moving in that direction! Like the gravitational pull is tugging on them ever so slightly. I even accidentally sat on my balls the other day, can we say, "ouchie?"

I'm slowly watching my youth go down the drain. I know, I know I sound so dramatic but it takes a blow torch, sandpaper, plaster and some Spanx now to get ready. I'll admit I still do get carded for liquor. It's a wonderful feeling. Like a tickle that starts up my leg and goes all the way to my home entertainment center! I was asked by a waitress one time on what I do to stay so young? Without even skipping a beat, Kevin chimed in with, "It's all the cum facials he gets." I wish sometimes that was true. I guess you would leave it on and then peel it off? Kinda like a pore mask?

I find it extremely difficult to be in your 30's, single and gay. It has become an adjustment I'm still getting used too. I no longer receive the attention I got when I was in my 20's. My 20 something year old friends seem to get all the attention now and then I just become a bystander. My ginger needs to be tickled too you know!

Most gay men (can't say all there's still good guys out there.) are superficial fickle bitches they all want that cute young, dumb and full of cum Twink. I'll admit I like the pretty things too, but as I get older I find my interests are turning towards more mature minded individuals. (Whether they be older than me or not.)
This past Saturday I was invited to my friend O's Totally Awesome 80's Themed Surprise Birthday Party that his sister Natalie was throwing for him. (For background info on O and Natalie see the posts The Intimacy Debate and I Do.) I brought Derek with. He needed a distraction while his boyfriend is away and I think he was more excited about dressing up all 80's style than I was. The party was a walk down memory lane or at least what I do remember from the 80's. After all I was young. I mostly remember my idols like Rainbow Brite, Jem, and Strawberry Shortcake. Yeah, I guess I really was born gay. Just me and my Sit~N~Spin and Glowworm. Flaming mo in the making!

Natalie was passing out candy bracelets, glow bracelets and Pop Rocks! I actually heard that Pop Rocks are good with oral sex (If anyone has tried this let me know.) and that urban legend of them with soda is false. I ate mine with vodka and sprite. My stomach did not explode. Cans of Aqua Net were spread out, it was a party of big crimped hair and leg warmers. O and his GBF (Gay Best Friend) Joshua were dressed looking like Village People rejects waiting for the YMCA to open. Joshua's ensemble left little to the imagination with the fishnet tank and the short shorts. When I was sitting on the couch and his crotch was eye level all I could see was his nut huggers. He even showed me he had tightie whities on under them. Now that's sticking to the era!

I told O, "Welcome to my box now. I hope you like it." I of course was referring to the age box you check off when you fill out forms or surveys not my hump tunnel. He seemed like he enjoyed himself at the party. It got pretty interesting when an older angry woman called him a "fuck face" (she meant it in a loving way) and O's cousin got all offended. (The same woman earlier was hating on Derek and asked him what his beanie was. She also stared me down like she wanted to use my remains for furniture.) I almost thought there was gonna be an older lady showdown, but after some talking they seemed to become friends. Who knew fuck face could lead to friends?

  I certainly hope O enjoys his 30's. So if 30 is considered Gay Death and in your 30's you're consider a Zombie, then what are you when you reach 40? The Crypt Keeper? I will try to maintain a youthful appearance as long as there's anti wrinkle cream available. Hey even tonight a sweet cute 20 year old told me, "You're gorgeous! You definitely still give me a tent in the pants." I'll take the compliment even though at that age drywall turns the young ones on. I don't know if I still have "it" but I got something and I'm gonna work that. I'll still be keeping an eye on my balls though. Hey! I think they are even closer to my ankles now!! Shit!

Question: What Am I?

What has a 30 inch waist, weighs about 165 pounds, is about 6 feet tall, wears a size 11 shoe (hello!) has short brown hair, dark brown eyes, facial hair, deep voice, very little body hair, and an above average sized penis? If you guessed Derek your answer would be correct. Feel free to lust after him now call 1-900-Gay-Derek 69¢ a minute. (just kidding)

After discussing the post Otters, & Cubs, & Bears Oh My! with Derek he posed a good question. "If you're too old to be considered a Twink, too young to be considered a Daddy and aren't hairy enough to fall under the Bear categories, then what are you? Would you be considered just gay then? That's kind of boring."
The gay universe has many different types of gay men and these men are placed in different categories. We label everything from a man's physical appearance, such as Twink, Bear, etc. to a man's sexual preference such as Top, Bottom, etc. It is said in fashion "That the label is the best part." But are the labels we place on people valued the same? If this is the case then where's my man with the Armani label!? I love me some Italian!

In my early twenties I was always called a "Twink" because I was skinny and smooth. Now that I'm in my early thirties I still kind of look like a Twink, but don't want to be called one. The label of Twink suggests immaturity and inexperience. They represent the gay newbie. The fresh fagling. Honestly I can't stand Twinks. I avoid underage/kiddie nights at bars at all cost! Derek said we need to coin a new label for the in-between Twink and Daddy crowd. If we do that are we just adding fuel to the flamer? As I have stated before, "Why can't we just be men who are attracted to other men? Why do we need to have all these labels? Wouldn't it be best to just not use any of these labels? Labels are for soup cans not for people." The whole label thing could be viewed as just fun, (as it really should be) but people do take it to the extreme. Where's the limit? How far is too far?

  Question: If we came up with a label (just for fun) for the gay in-between crowd what would we call it? How do you feel about all the gay slang labels? Do you feel we need them or are they ridiculous? Do you think these labels put a stigma on the gay community?
Please submit your answer/feedback by clicking on the blue comment link below.

Otters & Cubs & Bears Oh My!

The gay culture always seems as if they need to classify every type of male there is. From Twinks to Daddies there seems to be a category for almost every gay or bi man. One could almost ask "Why can't we just be men who are attracted to other men? Why do we have to be labeled?" But even the so called 'normal' people have to label and define absolutely everything. That's just the way it is. Labels are for soup cans not for people, but still the gay community has to define an individual or action. I think it's our effort to be more like the 'normal' people since that's what they do. One gay subculture that has a popular following and perhaps the most recognizable within the gay lifestyle is Bears.

Kevin and I ventured out to Rainbow Mountain Resort this past Saturday. As we road up the mountain in my car Kevin said, "Wow it is cooler up here. It must be because we are closer to the moon." I just looked at him and laughed hysterically. There was no words that could form to express the duhness I just heard. At last we arrived and It just so happened to be 'Bears And Chub Weekend.' The land of the hairy and chubby. This was bound to be an interesting experience considering I don't fit into the 'Bear' lifestyle and I'm not chubby, but I decided to humor it. Hey I'll try anything once and some hairy men are sexy!

So what is a Bear anyways? This isn't like Yogi and Boo Boo stealing pic-a-nic baskets. A gay Bear is looking for another type of basket. A Bear is actually a LGBT slang term. It refers to men that are homosexual and bisexual and it describes their physical body or hair appearance. Bears have hairy bodies and usually have facial hair. Most times they are heavy-set or muscular. They exude a rugged masculine aura with their grooming and behavior. Bears have this hypermasculine persona and usually only associate themselves with like minded (or guys that have the same appearance) individuals. They are the manly men of our gay world and for some are viewed as hairy gay gods. The fur lovers love to worship them. It's a fetish.

As the gay Bear community has become increasingly popular there was need for it to be subdivided into degree of hairiness or manliness. So the need for different slang terms erupted like hard a cock. Here's some of the Bear terms and related terminology.

Bears- Typically used to described heavier set overly hairy men. They often could have very large muscle body mass and may be muscular (Musclebears) or stockier (Chubbybears) in stature. Some bears have a leather or latex fetish and call themselves Leatherbears. The term bear is used to describe a hairy masculine dominant (top) male figure within a gay relationship as well.

Cub - A Cub of course is a younger (or appearance of being younger looking) version of a Bear. Usually where you find a Bear a Cub is not far behind. They usually have a smaller frame and tend to not be as big as their Bear counterpart or as aggressive. The Cub can be just as hairy as a Bear, but sometimes not hairy at all! The term Cub is used to imply the passive partner (Bottom) of a gay relationship with a Bear.

Otter- An Otter is typically a younger man, but could actually be a guy of any age who is hairy and fits the body type. Otters are not large and usually thinner. They could have a very lean build or no muscle tone at all. An Otter could actually be as hairy as a bear. The best way to describe an Otter is if you took a skinny Twink, covered him in honey, and made him roll around on the floor of a barbershop! Kevin is actually an Otter. He is a fury little beast.

Daddybear - Older Bear. This kind of Bear is looking for a daddy/son role play type relationship. They usually want this relationship with a much younger man either Cub or Twink. Daddybears are very dominant and like to ordain themselves in leather and fetish clothing.

Wolf - A Wolf is a term for a Musclebear. If Andy let all his hair grow out instead of manscaping he could be considered a Bear or a Wolf. His muscular frame is too big to be called an Otter or a Cub. I've also heard this term as reference to an older muscular Bear who is an outdoorsy or biker type.

  Polar Bear - This isn't your Coca~Cola lovable polar bear, but maybe if you're lucky his cock is as thick as a Coke can! Polar Bears are older Bears that have silver or white hair all over. They are the Silver Foxes of the Bear community.

Panda Bear - "Me fury and love you long time. Me sucky sucky on your bamboo sprout. I love cum of sum yung hung gui!" Panda Bears of course are hairy Asian men.

Bear Run - Is a gathering or circuit party for Bear types and their admirers. More gay men are identifying themselves as Bears now so more gay bars have become Bear-friendly. Some bars cater specifically to Bear patrons such as leather or western-style bars and usually have specialized events for them.

Chaser - Is usually short for "chubby chaser," which is a man whom likes overweight men and pursues them. A Chaser can also be used to describe a bear admirer since some Bears tend to be bigger or "chubbier" in size. They are also known as "Trappers" as in "bear trap." Trappers are guys attracted to and pursue Bears or other woodland creatures mentioned.

Chub – A Chub is a heavy set gay man. Usually very stocky or quite large. He may or may not be a Bear. Most times where you find Bears you find Chubs. A lot of events for Bears are also for Chubs as well.
Goldilocks - Is a Bear's Fag Hag. She is often heterosexual, who loves to frolic with her fury friends. "Who's been eating my porridge and eaten it all up?" cried Baby Bear. It's that bitch Goldilocks!

Grizzly Adams - Has two meanings he is a man who is hairy and is attracted to Bears, but doesn't feel he actually is a Bear, or any other subdivision. He could also be a straight hairy man that loves to hang out with Bears. He could be considered the Bear's Fag Stag.

Woof - Being "woofed" at is a compliment. It's a greeting used to express physical attraction towards someone you find sexy. I remember the first time Andy was "woofed" at he ask me "Boo why they making that dog noise at me? Are they calling me a dog? They think I'm ugly?" I laughed at him and when I told him what it meant all he did was smile and turn red.

Otters and Cubs and Bears oh my! I should have brought my ruby slippers "There's no place like the mall, there's no place like the mall, there's no place like the mall." That's exactly what I was thinking as Kevin and I were sitting at the bar watching a Bear walk around in his jockstrap. He wasn't hot. The crowd at Rainbow Mountain was very mixed. Some Bears, Cubs, Otters, Chubs, Twinks, and some regular mo's. There was a few guys I have no idea where they would fit in. Guys with long beards like ZZ Top and a Willie Nelson look-a-like! They were offering a free drink if you showed your fur so some Bears were shirtless and probably shouldn't have been! BUT at least they had the confidence to put it out there and besides it still looked like they were wearing a sweater vest anyways.

  When I went to the bathroom a Bear tried to pick Kevin up. He casually bumped into him to make it look like an accident. (yeah right!) He knew exactly what he was doing. He waited to approach Kevin till I was in the Bathroom. When I came back we chatted with him for a bit, he was obviously drunk and a little cute till he turned around and we realized he was wearing a dead wookiee on his back! You could have combed his body hair. Upon further observation we realized he kind of resembled our ex-boss it was rather weird.

While Kevin and I were playing forest ranger Bobby was in Philly with some other friends. He didn't run into any Bears but he did find a Chipmunk trying to get his nuts. He called me at 4 am to tell me that his squeaky enemy (see post The Deal Breakers) ended up being in the city as well and pulled a surprise attack on him. 

The Chipmunk made out with Bobby. He totally grabbed him and planted one right on him. Bobby said "You know I kinda liked it!" You know what they say Bobby is essentially the little girl in kindergarten and Chip is the bully that pulled on his pigtails, but secretly likes him. So the Chipmunk's bitchy behavior towards Bobby could be his way of saying "I wanna play with your nuts." Bobby said after the short make out session Chip scurried off somewhere. I suggest Bobby gets a rabies shot and some rodent poison.

  Kevin and I had fun with the woodland creatures, but I did not find my Winnie The Pooh Bear. I have his honey in my pot and I'm still waiting. So what's my body hair preference? Well I like alittle something to play with as long as it's in check. Well maintained body hair is sexy, but back hair and unruly body hair is not. A little manscaping never hurt anyone. I don't want any hairballs stuck in my throat. It's nice to snuggle up to your man and play with his chest hair. It just sucks when you get cum in it.

Cinderfella

As I swept my front porch I began to hum a Cinderella song. You know the one, "Cinderelly, Cinderelly! Night and day it's Cinderelly! Make the fire, fix the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the mopping and the sweeping and the dusting. They always keep her hopping. She goes around in circles till she's very, very dizzy.

Still they holler! Keep a-busy Cinderelly!" I thought to myself wow in my financial situation and in this recession wouldn't it be great to be a Houseboy? I'm sure depending on the arrangement though the situation wouldn't be like the story of Cinderella. Instead of riding in a pumpkin carriage, there would be a riding of your pumpkin, instead of talking mice, there be anal gerbils (well maybe) The Fairy Godmother of course would be Cher, the glass slippers would be a glass dildo. (Oops it just fell out of my ass and broke!) and instead of Prince Charming, there would be a horny older guy wanting to put you in a sling as he slammed you with his scepter! I guess depending on who you are that could be your "Fairy"tale. The glass dildo sounds like fun!

I once saw a gay porn based on the Cinderella Fairytale, it was called Billy's Tale. Instead of evil stepsisters he had evil horny stepbrothers that had an incest relationship with each other. Prince Charming was a wealthy endowed silver fox that saved Billy from a life of being a cumdumpster to his stepbrothers. You know it was very similar to the Disney version it was uncanny!

Depending on what I may be asked to do I think I'd be perfect for the role of a houseboy. Looking back at pervious relationships and even friendships I do have that caregiver type gene. I used to clean, cook, and do my exes laundry for them. Some of my exes where slobs too! It was like an episode of Hoarders, but with empty lube bottles and peanuts on the floor! I can't stand a mess! I'm not a neat freak, but I don't like crap all over the place. When I'm in a relationship with someone I do feel the need to take care of them in a housewife type way. I'd be the type to make my hunny a sandwich and S his D after he had a long day at work. I know right, why on earth am I single?

So what exactly is a Houseboy anyways? And what exactly does he do? A Houseboy is typically a male servant or assistant who performs domestic or personal chores. A male housecleaner or housekeeper.

The term "Houseboy" originated around World War II. It was used to describe a native boy who helped a soldier perform basic responsibilities like cleaning, laundry, ironing, shoe-shining, running errands, and the like. I wonder if sexual favors happened back then? Knowing how men are I'm sure some performed "don't ask, don't tell favors. The Houseboy was employed by the soldier to reduce the heavy workload and to cut corners on a large amount of work.

  In the gay community things are alittle different (because we are all dirty homos) a "Houseboy" is typically a younger gay male. The employer or Host is an older, usually wealthier gay man. He typically is more "well-off" than the Houseboy. There may or may not be a romantic/physical relationship. The Houseboy could be simply employed to help out around the house and maybe provide the host with a little eye candy and friendship but nothing more. Like a Poolboy that walks around in a banana-hammock and cleans the pool and uses any excuse to bend over while the Host watches.Usually older gay gentlemen prefer the company of younger gay guys even if there is no sexual advances involved.

For gay males that enjoy S&M, a Houseboy performs domestic chores in exchange for sexual rewards like bondage and ball-gags! Whips and chains excite them! I couldn't imagine knocking on someones door and having a Houseboy answer wearing a leather onesie!

  In the event there could be a possible romantic situation between them (not always purely sexual) the host most likely would be called a "Sugar Daddy." I wonder what goes through very young gay boys minds when they meet a Sugar Daddy that is willing to take care of them. Like does he think, "Wow this is fucking great! I'm totally gonna marry this tombstone!" Anna Nicole would be proud! Just make sure you are in the will. And just remember if he is really, really old and begs you to sit on his face it's probably not the best idea. Can you just picture the death report: Death by anus smothering!

In the instance the relationship is purely nonsexual and nonromantic. The host could offer support, guidance and mentorship to the younger boy. It's kinda like the Big Brother Program but with vacuums and feather dusters. In this nonsexual arrangement both houseboy and host have their own relationships outside of the home, but the Houseboy may do chores and favors for guidance and support. The Host enjoys the company of the Houseboy. Sometimes this arrangement involves money and sometimes it doesn't.

Lastly the Houseboy is just simply employed by the Host and nothing more and the Host is just simply viewed as a boss. It's considered an actual job and it's just like any normal boss and employee relationship.
Bobby's opinion on the whole Houseboy thing, "This is reality for some people. I would say its a very symbiotic relationship. The little Houseboy makes out with being taken care of and the older guy (whether he is a Daddy or not) gets to basically bang the Houseboy whenever he wants. (If it's that kind of arrangement.) The one who makes out better in my opinion is the Houseboy just because they can hitch a ride (no pun intended) on the money train until they are out of school or find a job or a better Daddy to jump on to. It's not a healthy relationship for sure, but hey, is that anything new in the gay world?"

In my gay little world I've actually seen all the types of Houseboys mentioned above. My one friend has a side job cleaning other friend's houses. It's strictly professional. There is no "funny business" going on. He gets paid to clean, organize and run errands that's it. I have an older friend whom I guess could fall into the Sugar Daddy category. I have seen him change Houseboys like someone would change their underwear. Not long go he had a twenty something twink, who also advertised on Grindr that he would do sexual things for money. The twink used to do certain things around his house. I know their relationship was strictly sexual there was no romantic interest on either side. I'm not sure on the payments but I do know my older friend used to pay the Houseboy's bills. He even bought him a new cell phone and in return I'm sure this Housewhore gave him something only a prescription could get rid of.

I've seen the mentoring aspect of the Houseboy a few times as well. One relationship for example; Daddylicious and Ken. He doesn't pay Ken, but I do know Ken helps him out around the house sometimes and in return Daddylicious hooks him up with special perks. Perks like free stays at the beach house, free trips, free drinks, free stuff! Does Daddylicious hope for more, like a physical and a romantic relationship? Probably, that's most likely why he does all those things for Ken. Does Ken realize that Daddylicious probably has feelings for him? Most definitely! Ken isn't stupid he knows what he is doing. In any case as of right now Ken gets what he wants and Daddylicious gets the company of a younger attractive guy which is what he wants.

So would I actually want to be a Houseboy? To be honest I wouldn't mind getting paid to clean, cook and run errands. I'll even wear cute little outfits and gladly clean the pool or hot tub as long as I can use them. Seriously if interested give me a holla cause this little ginger needs to buy new short shorts. I could use the extra cash. In terms of the whole sexual favors included in the housework, I wouldn't be into that. That is practically being a male prostitute! This isn't the movie Pretty Woman, good things don't happen to prostitutes. Richard Gere isn't gonna pound my ass and then offer me all my dreams. Things don't work out that way. Everything has a price. I would however mop floors and then slop on my boyfriends peen if had one, I'd do that for free, no payment required...well ok shiny gifts would be appreciated.