Tell Me What I Want To Hear

In every relationship of any kind whether it be friendship or love everyone has committed the crime of telling their lover or friend what they want to hear. In many instances these little lies are harmless. Like when your boyfriend asks you if he pounds your ass the best and you say, "Oh, hunny you're amazing! I've never had it so good." Little does he know your previous boyfriend tickled your G-spot every time and made you cum three times in a row. Or it's the lie you tell your best friend when he asks you if the wide horizontal striped shirt he is wearing makes him look fat. And you say, "Oh no, you look muscular!" When you're really thinking he looks like one of those fat kids Jerry Springer once saved from being stuck inside a white trash trailer home. Sometimes not telling the truth actually saves hurt feelings, but when does the phrase, "Honestly is the best policy" come into effect? Sometimes you need the truth in order to move on or correct something in your life no matter how painful it may be.

JT and I have been talking again. (For background info on JT please read the post: Love, Lies, and Lollipops) Actually we never really stopped talking but just recently it became more frequent. He's been having some legal issues and faces possible jail time. I reached out to see how he is doing. I really do still care about him a great deal. I have always called him "the one that got away" and always felt that our story wasn't over yet. In a lot of ways I still loved him and I wanted things to be different between us.

Over the past couple months JT and I would text back and forth. A couple times he asked when I was going to visit him in Florida (he moved back again from Tennessee.) and even though I wanted to I just thought it was a bad idea. Number 1: I couldn't afford the plane ticket and Number 2: I was protecting my heart. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I would fall for him again and then have to leave. One night while I was at work and he was out probably drinking his text messages changed:
"So why can't you come down here?" He asked.
"Well I can, but I need money to go."
"Well just gas money dear." He stated.
"Are you talking about a vacation or to live down there?" I asked puzzled
"Whatever you wanna do. My apartment lease ends in August and I want to move downtown. Do you have anyone that would move down here with you?"
"I don't really have anyone." I answered still puzzled as to where this was going!
"Well what if you did and I'm not joking around."
"I don't know. Maybe I would consider it."
"We did always get along so well. I will admit I think about you a lot and there is never a bad memory."
"I think about you too. Probably more than I should." I answered with my heart completely on my sleeve!
"Ditto! I'll call you in a little bit." He replied.
"I'm at work now. Finally found a job. The pay is crap but at least it's a job."
"Hmm maybe you can transfer down here!" He said.
"What I make isn't gonna give me much for rent down there."
"Who said I was going to charge you for rent? What exactly are you afraid of?" He asked
"What about the whole possibility of you going to jail?"
"It's going to happen or it isn't. I'm either staying put or I'm not. So why does that scare ya?" he asked
"Because I don't want to be left alone while you're Bubba's sex monkey slave in jail!" I answered only half joking!
"Haha love it!" he said
"To be honest I don't want to fall for you and then get my heart broken." It was the most honest way I knew how to answer.
"What if we were in a committed relationship? I totally get what you're saying, but we will never know if we don't try. I've thought a lot about this. You know we'd already be 3 years in a relationship by now! That's the scary part!"
"I know we would have been together for 3 years." I said shockingly! I couldn't believe what he just said!
"Right!? I can't move back north right now but I would in time if I had too and for the right person. I'd do anything for the right person."
"I'd do anything too for the right one."
"Well boo transfer work. Baby, come join me!"
"It's not really all that easy, but I'll call you later. We can talk about it some more." I tried to say rationally, but my head and heart were at war with one another.

I called him when I got home, but all I got was his voicemail. I couldn't believe after 3 years of still having a flame burn for this man that he finally said everything I wanted to hear in 30 minutes. He wanted me to move down there to live with him and he was open to us starting where we had left off 3 years ago! I'll admit I was happy. I sent some of the text messages to Kevin. He knew everything I went through with JT and Kevin became my voice of reason. "Something is off and what about the jail thing?" Kevin asked. "I know. I know he has been depressed and he doesn't know about jail yet. We are only talking about it nothing more. I didn't say I was going to move." I answered trying to stay level headed, but still feeling high from my earlier conversation. "I just don't trust him. I think he has some sort of motive in this whole thing! He may not remember bad memories, but I do. I remember how upset you were. I just don't want you to get your hopes up or to get hurt." Kevin said honestly. Kevin was right, but my heart wouldn't admit it. I decided that night that I'd be open to at least talking about it with JT and we'd see where it goes.

The next morning JT called me early I of course missed it because I was still sleeping, but he said he would call me after work. For the first time in a long time I woke up happy thinking about the possibilities of the future and day dreaming what it would be like. I hate my current situation and as much as I tried to fight it I let the brief idea in that maybe JT was going to be my hero to save me from it all. And perhaps maybe I could save him a little bit too. Then it all came crashing down. In thinking that I would make a rash decision about my life, Kevin chatted with James about what was going on. James texted me, "We need to talk and you're not going to like what I have to say about JT."

It's funny how sometimes you think you know who the hero of your story will be, but then there's a twist and it turns out they were actually the villain. James continued to text me a book, apparently JT had been sending him cock pictures and asking James to leave Sean. (Like James would ever do that!) He said he would be waiting for him. James admitted that this has been going on for a long time and when JT was up here visiting he actually flashed James his peen without me knowing it. It gets worse from here. JT told James that he was never in love with me and that he was just having fun. James threatened JT to leave me alone and to stop playing with my emotions, and he said for awhile he thought it worked.

I sat there trying to process everything and all I could answer back is "You should have told me all this before!" James apologized. I sat there. I became angry. I was mad at Kevin for getting James involved and I was mad at James for keeping this secret from me for years! Then it clicked. It was like a light switch went off in my head. Kevin loves me and was just concerned. He knew if I wouldn't listen to him, I'd listen to James. James has just been trying to protect me all these years. He was trying to spare my heart. But what he didn't realize is if I would have known the truth sooner I wouldn't have given JT the time of day. I would have been heartbroken, yes but I would have moved on from it a lot faster. Finding out someone never loved you is devastating, but going through life thinking the only reason you're not together is because of distance and life getting in the way is worse!

Everything I thought I knew was wrong. I felt like everything JT ever said was a lie and everything he had just said was him telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He didn't want me to move there to be together. He wanted me to move there for his own selfish reasons. I was going to be a substitute for happiness until he felt there was no need for me any longer. I was supposed to uproot my life for this? Actions speak louder than words and right now his actions were screaming at me! Here I thought life would greener on the other side, but it only seemed greener because JT was fertilizing it with his bullshit! I of course confronted JT with all this. I couldn't wait till he was home so I texted him. I told him what James had said and I told him, "Perhaps I wasted a lot of my time thinking about you in any kind of way. I feel like everything was all a lie now." He never responded. His Facebook status was, "Going M.I.A. for awhile." He still hasn't answered the message. His silence actually spoke volumes. It means he couldn't deny anything James had told me. It was all true.

I moved all JT's pictures into a private folder on my computer so I wouldn't have to look at them. I didn't have the heart to delete them. I was so happy in those pictures, but out of sight, out of mind. I hate thinking that I didn't mean anything to him. I think that's the hardest part of it all. He is just one of those shady ass men that should be lined up in a row while little people use their nuts as punching bags! He must be the type that tells you what you want to hear in order to get what they want. I refused to cry over him. I think you're only allotted so many tears per guy; and I used all mine up.

Sinful

We are all human even if some of us don't always act it. To be human is to be filled with vice. Everyone has a bad habit or has done something at one point in their life that was degrading or could be perceived as immoral by others. If you take The 7 Deadly Sins and applied them to your daily life we are guilty of committing at least one daily. Some may say that being gay is a sin, but The 7 Deadly Sins don't discriminate against sexual orientation. We are all capable of sinning the same way. They always say "everything in moderation" but then what kind of fun is that!? No great stories ever started with, "I stayed home and read my bible." Looking back at my past weekend adventures I discovered that I am a culprit of The 7 Deadly Sins. Thankfully I didn't commit them all, but what I didn't do others did. Four out of the seven is the formula for a fabulous weekend!

Envy- is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. Typically you hold resentment for the individual you are envious of and wish them misfortune.

Why we do it: Because other people must be screwing leprechauns! Some people just have all the luck. Everyone wants what someone else has. It's just human nature.

  Friday night James, Sean, their next door neighbor Carrie, Kevin and myself went to the Takeover event at ArtsQuest Center's Muiskfest Café together. The place was huge with two bars, a stage and DJ who played fun dance music all night. This event was a great turnout for Takeover. Muiskfest Café was packed with old friends, new friends and "opportunities." When we arrived Bobby was already more than half in the bag. He had just gotten off his juice cleanse and I thought he was a lightweight before! Apparently not eating for ten days not only shrinks your tummy but your alcohol tolerance as well.

James and Sean's next door neighbor Carrie was such a hoot. I like her... She drinks. After being in the building for 5 minutes this cute older lesbian tried to pick her up. Us gays don't even get that kind of attention! The little lesbian was so sweet but Carrie is straight. She'll have to find someone else to buy matching fanny packs with.

Watching James and Sean together that night made me realize how envious I am of their relationship. I want what they have. Actually Bobby, Kevin and Kile want it too. Their type of monogamous relationship is rare among the gay community. Out of all the couples I know their relationship is the only one I would want to use as a role model of what I want mine to be. Having envy for them I am suppose to have resentment and wish them misfortune, but I don't. The only one I have resentment for is myself (unlike Kevin, when he sees a happy couple on the street he wants to push them into traffic). I keep thinking I've run out of time. The older I get the more I feel like it's not going to happen for me. I may wish James and Sean nothing but the best, but I am jealous. I want what they have and I feel I deserve it. Can you really ever be envious without a little jealousy?

Wrath- is manifested in the individual who rejects love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Anger. They say there's a thin line between love and hate sometimes that line gets crossed.

Why we do it: People are fucking idiots! And because sometimes the people around you are pretty freaking irritating. Life can't always be rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes a little fury is needed to get your point across.

  Of course every story has to have a villain, enter mine! While at the Takeover we ran into Richard. He had been in the area visiting family for two weeks. He never cared about them before. I am not sure why he has started now. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and tugged on Kevin's shirt. Kevin looked over then passed the message off to James. James said "Ohh let me at the asshole he better keep his distance." Out of instinct I looked around for sharp objects. The anger filled my body and I just wanted to slap him! Not even 10 minutes of being there, Kile came over and told me Richard was in the building. Then two minutes after that Bobby did the same thing. It's nice to know I have friends that look out for me. As we walked to the other side of the room I could see Richard watching me. I felt safe because I was surrounded by my posse.
Later on James and Sean went outside to smoke and Richard happened to be there. He made an attempt to talk to James and James told him it was in his best interest to stay away from him. James is like the Vice President of the "We Hate Richard Club!" I can't believe he even had the nerve to talk to James. Apparently Richard had met a girl outside at one point and she said, "It was a pleasure meeting you Richard!" James overheard this and chimed in, "You'll regret it later!" and then walked back inside. That's my boy!
On the dance floor we intentionally danced by Richard and the date he brought who was wearing Freddy Krueger hand me downs. Kevin pushed Sean into them a few times and whispered into my ear, "I can't stop staring at how bad his teeth are!" Richard didn't even attempt to talk to me. I think he is scared as he should be. If we were alone on a balcony I'd push him off it. There's a villain in every story and you know what happens to them at the end? ... They die! And if there's a sequel... They die AGAIN! I play the lead role, this bitch ain't getting killed off!

Lust- is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Why we do it: Oh, please because we are huge skanks that just want to bust a nut. After the Takeover Kevin, James, Sean and myself went back to James and Sean's house for after bar snacks. I of course not being drunk enough made another drink. I've been told when I get uber wasted I start to speak in tongues and it appears as if my head would rotate around. It must be that evil ginger in me. After eating some pizza James and Sean went to bed. Kevin told me he was going home. He said I actually growled at him when he said that. Kevin lied to me he didn't go home. I didn't find out the truth till the next day while we were on the train together heading into Philly. He thought I'd be least likely to yell at him in public. Instead of going home he went to Harold's house (whom lives down the street from James and Sean's) because he was having an after party there. As soon as Kevin told me that, I knew he went there to see his ex and I knew they hooked up again! I could see the guilt on Kevin's face. Though I believe it to be the guilt of lying to me not for what he did with The Ex.

I basically told Kevin that he is having an affair because The Ex has no plans to leave the guy he has been with for years. If this was a straight relationship Kevin would be the other woman! This is turning into a never ending cycle. I hate how he disrespects himself so much and just keeps letting this occur. Kevin is giving The Ex power because he keeps giving into him. I told him I was disappointed in him for his actions and I'd rather have him hook up with a stranger than to keep going down this roller-coaster. Kevin said, "Disappointed? Whaaa that's the worst ever! Parents say that!" Kevin said they did talk about things and I said, "Oh I'm sure into between the blow jobs."

The Ex isn't an awful guy. He is rather nice, but he is 20 years older than Kevin and at this point should know better! Kevin deserves to be someone's everything, not someone's sometime. He said he wants to remain friends with The Ex which is fine, but this friends with benefits thing is not healthy because there's feelings involved. I've seen Kevin cry over The Ex a few times. No one likes to see their best friend hurt and in pain. I know he needs to make his own mistakes (grr I mean decisions) but I can't help but feel protective of him. It angers me so much that The Ex is cheating on the guy that he refuses to leave! And Kevin is helping him cheat! Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world. Kevin is like a drug addict he needs rehab for this. I wonder if they make a patch.

Gluttony- is a desire to consume more than one requires. Such as excessive eating or drinking.

Why we do it: Because we are pigs! Overindulgence is fun. I'll drink to that!

All a board! Kevin and I were invited to spend the night in Philly with his cousin Jelissa. I dubbed her the porn name Jelicious Cox! We decided to take the train in since it would be cheaper and we wouldn't need to worry about parking in the city. When we arrived at the train station it was already dark and the inside waiting area was already closed. As we were trying to get the information for the next train we noticed a guy laying down on a bench right by the schedule sign. He yelled, "Heeeyyyy!" at me. I looked at him and said, "hey" back not thinking twice about it. He yelled, "HEYYYY!" again and this time even louder. Kevin and I knew he had to be fucked up, either on drugs or drunk and this was becoming rather creepy. We grabbed our bags and walked to the other side of the station where people get dropped off. In our attempt to avoid the creepy man we missed getting our train info. We walked around to the other side of the station this time we were in a spot where he wasn't going to be able to see us unless he got up and moved. I sat my bags on a bench and read the schedule information that was posted on the window directly above the bench I had my bags on. The man screams, "HEEEEYYYYY!" really loudly this time. He must have heard us and in an effort to get up he rolls off the bench and face plants on the hard concrete. You could hear the smack of his skin as he landed. He lifts his head up and looks over at us standing off to the side. Kevin tugs on my coat and runs to the other side as I'm still trying to gather up my bags! Some great protector he is!

"Omg I wonder if he's dead!?" Kevin said over dramatically. "I think he is ok. Just got the wind knocked out of him. He looked over at us as we ran away." I laughed as I said it. This shit only happens to us! We stayed on other side cuddled in the corner. The side the creepy man was on was quiet now. A cop car pulled up and slowed down as he drove passed us. We saw him drive around to the other side where the creepy man was. I said, "He's gonna get arrested just wait!" About ten minutes pass and the cop car drives passed us again this time we notice the creepy man in the back of the car. Kevin and I look at each and started laughing.

With no fear now, we walked to the other side again to wait for our train. At the bench the creepy man was on there was a brown bag and an empty bottle of Smirnoff Vodka. "Well that explains why he was so fucked up." I said. I looked over and could see something black under the bench. "What's that Kev?" I said as I reached under the bench and grabbed it. "Omg! It's his BlackBerry!" Without even skipping a beat or thinking about it Kevin said, "Let's look through it!"

Looking through a stranger's phone actually made the time fly by. We first glanced at his texts which were from some random girls. Some he didn't even know their names. One was labeled as 'Rich King of Prussia Girl.' We found a folder that had all his pictures and discovered the creepy man was a freak. He of course had pics of naked girls but he had nude pics of himself as well. He had a freaking nice body and an enormous uncut cock! The creepy guy was rather good looking and as we scrolled through the pics we discovered he liked to jack off into ladies underwear. He also had random pics of a little boy which we assumed was his son or at least we hoped. He also had pictures of other naked guys which told us maybe he was bi. Kevin said, "Omg he's hot I'd fuck him." I replied, "Of course you would your standards are low."
We watched his videos. He had a couple vids of the same little boy at the zoo and playing with sparklers, he was his son. He also had videos of a girl giving him head and she could barely fit his cock in her mouth.

There was a video where he was titty fucking a girl with National Geographic boobs and another where she gave him a hand job. We went through his phone apps and discovered he had Facebook. I went on his Facebook profile and his name was Paul Siriani! So Paul if you happen to see this make sure you always have your phone locked so creepers like us can't go through it. Make this a lesson to everyone! Always lock your phone with a password. Good thing Kevin and I are nice we could have done major damage. We left his phone on a window by the bench and boarded the train. Kevin and I would have felt bad if we would have taken it even though everyone we texted about it, said "take it!!"

We arrived in Philly in good time and headed to Jelissa's apartment. Our friend Lola met us there, she brought with her a pretty blonde girl whom she had just met but totally bonded with, and Jelissa's best friend Sue. After some drinks made with Chambord, drama with Jelissa's sister (I guess the over dramatics runs in Kevin's family) it was her birthday and she was having a Mariah Carey meltdown, it was time to head out to the bars. Jelissa, Sue, Kevin and I were off. Lola and her friend left early because Lola hurt her back some how. We went to Woody's first because it was directly across the street from Jelissa's apartment. How easy is that!?

Woody's was packed! We all got Redbull and vodka and people watched. Lots of hot guys. I had texted Knockers to let him know we were in the city, but as usual he has to make his grand entrance. He'd be late to his own funeral. We stood by a window waiting for him and noticed a drunk Asian chick on the floor surrounded by her Ninja posse. They got up and left, but left their drinks up against the window on the floor. Who does that? We ran into Steve and Bill for a few minutes until they disappeared upstairs. My guess, they were on the hunt for a third.

After Sue's second drink (at the bar, I don't know how many she had at the apartment) she really loosened up. She danced all over and smiled at the gay guys. Even kissed Kevin a little bit and told me I smelt good enough to eat. This had hot mess written all over it. In Sue's flailing (dancing) we managed to knock over the glasses the Asian's left behind on the floor by the window. I bent down to pick them up and smelt vomit and saw chunks. They had thrown up in the glasses! Jelissa covered her mouth and darted thru the sea of hot gay men. She said, "I'm so sorry I have a horrible gag reflex! And all I can smell is vomit!" One of the gay guys smiled at her and said, "It's ok we can help you with the gag reflex." Poor Jelissa looked like she was gonna barf and she kept saying "I can still smell it!" Even though we were 30 feet away from it in a crowd of sweaty guys. I said, "Quick smell my armpits they smell good." With no hesitation at all Jelissa sniffed away and then Sue joined in. They said my armpits smelt good. Ha! It appears our overindulgence in alcohol has started and clouded our judgement.

Greed- is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring everything and everyone else. All that matters is status and power

Why we do it: Because money makes the world go around. We are all greedy mother fuckers. Whoever said money doesn't equal happiness obvious has none. It may not make you feel happy all the time but it makes everything easier.

  We ended up meeting Knockers at Tavern on Camac. He pretty much attacked us as Kevin and I walked upstairs. Knock grabbed my ass kissed me on the cheek and dragged us over to the bar. He asked everyone what we wanted our Grey Goose mixed with. We all said Redbull. Knockers made this disgusted look and ordered for us. I knew what he was doing. The girls started to pull our their money and Knock gestured to them to put it away. He ordered everyone Grey Goose on the rocks. I looked at Kevin and said, "I knew he was gonna do that!" Knocker's said, "Sorry I don't mix GG with any shit. You drink it straight." We laughed at Knock because while he bought us all Grey Goose he was sipping out of a Redbull can! He said he needed to sober up for the drive home. Jelissa said, "I love him! I'd follow him around all night if he kept buying us Grey Goose!" Then she continued to sip on her vodka. Kevin took a sip and said, "It's burning my insides!" He isn't used to drinking plain vodka as where I am a pro. I said, "That's just it cleansing your soul. Drink more you need it." After his 5th sip he said, "This is pretty good!" and when he tried to take a 6th sip he couldn't find the straw with his tongue.

Ordering top shelf liquor is like showing status for Knockers. I wouldn't call him money hungry greedy. He does things to maintain the status that he was born into. He doesn't chase it but if you could have the best of everything wouldn't you? He is the type of friend that wouldn't give you the shirt off his back, he'd just go out and buy you one! He is one of my favorite people to hang out with because he does what he does, says what he says and doesn't give a shit. He is very generous and loyal to his friends as well. Knock grabbed me by the crotch and yanked me out to the dance floor I had to follow he had me by the peen and we all danced for a bit.

The girls left to find the bathroom. Knockers was dragged away by his friends and said he'd text me when they got to another bar. We all went downstairs to the piano bar so the girls could finish their drinks. They aren't cum guzzlers like Kevin and I it takes them longer. At this point Sue was wasted. She grabbed Kevin and kissed him. He pretty much skull fucked her with his tongue. The image still haunts me! She told him she wants him to eat her out. Ewww!!!!! She kept going back for more Kevin tongue and I said, "Kev she's engaged! Her man is gonna be pissed!" He said, "I know I have a problem!!" Once Jelissa opened her mouth to sing I knew it was time to exit the bar!

Knockers told me to head back to Woody's but by the time we got there they were gone. His friends dragged him to iHop. I texted him and said, "Bitch! You left without saying goodbye!" He replied, "I'm eating." I said, "Yeah! Everything but me!" He laughed. I told him next time he has to stop with the cameo appearances. He deserves a leading role. In typical Knock response, "I prefer cameos to leading roles. It always keeps them wanting more." He is right we do! Knock said he'd try to come up and visit soon. I'm going to hold him to that!

Woody's still had a decent crowd and because we hadn't had enough we drank more good thing Jelissa only lives across the street. As we waited in line for the bathroom Sue met a girl that was out with her gay friend. I chatted with him for a bit. He said she was lesbian and asked if Sue was. I said, "No actually she's engaged to be married. See the big rock on her finger?" He looked and said, "I don't know I think they are making out like any minute." As soon as the words left his mouth Sue's mouth was on the lesbian. Kevin had just gotten back from peeing with a black girl and we looked at each other and said, "Les-b-honest she a ho!" The goose made her loose! She was becoming the poster child for herpes. They continued to make out for a half hour till Sue wasn't feeling well and Jelissa took her to the bathroom. As Kevin and I waited we got more drinks.

Sloth- is the avoidance of physical work. Lazy.

Why we do it: Because after we commit all the other sins we become lazy and we're good fer nuthin' couch potatoes!

After walking drunk Sue home it was time to call it a night. We got pizza down the street which Kevin dropped the cheese part down on Jelissa's carpet and then picked it up and ate like nothing happened at least it didn't fall on the ground THIS TIME. We went to bed around 4am and I awoke the next morning with the sun shining in my eyes and Kevin farting in my face. Yeah, that's hot. I'm lucky I don't have pink eye. Jelissa, Kevin and I were so hungover. Water, Advil, Coffee and repeat! Jelissa had a flight to catch at 3 and she said Kevin and I could use her apartment if we wanted to go out and leave our stuff here. We visited Jelissa's sister (Kevin's other cousin) at her work. She's a waitress at King Oaks where we had brunch and drank Bloody Mary's and Mimosas till our headaches went away. We ended up getting home around 5:30 and boy was I exhausted. All that sinful fun left me spent.

Pride- is an excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of everything else in the world. The only thing that matters in the world is you. You are in love with yourself. This is the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Why we do it: Loving mothers told us to believe in ourselves and said we were beautiful everyday.

  Over the weekend I met a few gay boys that pretty much thought their shit didn't stink. Of course all of them were young and pretty. Sometimes I feel like to be gay is to think you are above everyone else, but there's a difference between confidence and cocky. Confidence is sexy but cockiness isn't it. There's a reason why having too much pride in yourself can lead to the other so called sins. If all you care about is yourself then of course you'd indulge in gluttoness activities, give into your bodily sexual urges, and do anything to get ahead in life. Remember everything in moderation. Being sinful is fun sometimes but you can't live that way forever. Other people and other things you care about have to eventually come first. Only then will you have balance. So get on your knees bitch and confess me your sins. Hey, I never said I was an angel.

Warning Labels

Kevin and I had conversation about love. He said, "Love is blind and stupid." He is right. The only ones that can truly see what is going on are the people outside of the relationship. Love makes you stupid. People can warn you all they want but when matters of the heart are involved the ears never listens. I didn't listen. I think it would be awesome if guys came stamped with warning labels across their foreheads! I would say stamped across their backs like a warning tramp stamp, but unless you see them shirtless right away that isn't going to work. The forehead is a much better location. That way you know exactly what you're getting into and how hazardous he truly is. Warning labels like; poisonous, may cause a burning sensation, or a choking hazard would be ideal. Ok maybe that last one isn't really a bad one, after all doesn't everyone like more than mouthful?

 
Warning: Corrosive Material  
Sure he seemed charming and perfect in the beginning but that's how he eats away at your life. He became everything I wanted in the beginning of our relationship. He paid attention to what I was looking for in a boyfriend and actually became that. He even said he wanted the same things. Before you even realize what is happening he has seeped into every part of your being and you fall head over heels for him. He is the prince charming (even bought my Mom flowers) you've been waiting for. Early on in a relationship it's hard to spot the lies and sometimes when you sense things may not be right you  just turn the other cheek anyway because it's too late. He has you!

Warning: May Cause Skin Discoloration
Yes we were engaged after only being together for 4 months! Looking back everything was rushed. He was my boyfriend only after less than two weeks of dating, gave me a key to his apartment only a couple months after that and then asked me to marry him. Apparently celebrities aren't the only people who rush into things. I am to blame, he asked and I said yes. He asked in front of all our friends. He was down on his knees in front of me for another reason than to just slob on my knob. He said words like "forever" and "love of my life."  I said yes. Perhaps my eyes were still hazy from all the cum facials. He knew I had fallen for him and this was his way of sealing the deal. He even had a ring for me. That ring turned my finger green after wearing it for a week. That should have been a sign! 

Warning: Sharp Object
Words can cut you like a knife. He was verbally abusive in every sense. He had a way to put me down and make me feel like there was no one else in the world that would ever love me. He knew my insecurities and he fed on them. He pointed them out and used them against me. My friends didn't like the way he talked to me. They witnessed how he used to put me down and tried knocking some sense into me, but he made me feel scared to leave him. In a way he bullied me to love him. He managed to turn everything around. If we fought it was always my fault and he made me apologize first. If I stepped out of line I became a verbal punching bag. He made me feel worthless, ugly, and terrified to the point where I felt like I couldn't ever leave him or live without him.

He never physically abused me. He came close to hitting me once after I caught him in a big lie and threw champagne in his face. He wanted to hit me I could see it in his eyes and I even braced myself for it. I wanted him too. I wanted a bruise or some kind of mark on my skin. I wanted other people to see it! It would have been my cry for help. Instead he did something much worse. He convinced me it was my fault for his lying to me. I ended up apologizing and begging for forgiveness. He then continued to emotionally cut me. 

Warning: May Cause Eye Damage
Seeing things with your own eyes is best, but love can cause eye damage nonetheless. 

I had caught him in multiple lies! Lies about family, friends, work and money. He used to tell me he would be with so and so, but actually I had no clue where he was. I had discovered he had profiles on hook up/gay dating sites like Manhunt and Adam4Adam. When I confronted him about it. He said it was just to meet friends only and nothing more. It then became my fault for snooping and for questioning his fidelity. Then I discovered nude pictures of himself and a jack off video he had recorded on his laptop. When I confronted him about those he had said they were old before we had met. It was hard to tell if they were current because I couldn't see his face completely, I just recognized his cock. The laptop he had gotten AFTER we had been together. He then said the pictures and video were on his old flash drive so when he transferred all the files over to the new computer they transferred as well. He made me believe it and then again made me feel guilty for accusing him of doing any kind of shady act.  

Warning: May Cause A Burning Sensation
The thought of him cheating on me echoed in my mind. "Friends" of his always appeared out nowhere. They were guys I had never seen and ones he had never mentioned before. I knew he was going out to bars without me and without me knowing. People that we knew would call or text me and say he was out somewhere. He used to say they were jealous of our relationship and were trying to break us up. I of course believed him. He called me one day while I was at work and accused me of cheating on him! He said, "it burns when I pee!" and his nurse friend had suggested he had gonorrhea. I hadn't cheated the thoughts never crossed my mind. I told him, "I would never cheat on you and YOU know that! If you have something it because you got it from someone else!" He swore up and down that he hadn't  slept with anyone and later on he called me back and said the doctor confirmed it was just a Urinary Tract Infection. There was a huge part of me that didn't believe him, but still a part of me that wanted too. 

Warning: Poisonous to Humans and Domestic Animals
We were together for almost 2 years and through those 2 years I caught him in so many lies. So many things that didn't make any sense at all. He poisoned my mind so much I didn't know what to believe. He had told me when he was younger he had a son that had passed away at a very young age and there was some kind of law suit involving the hospital. He told me he was suppose to get all this money and at one point he even told me he received it. He still lived in a crappy apartment and had no car. If you had over 200 thousand wouldn't you fix that situation? And there was no pictures of his son and his family had never seen him. Lies!

Towards the end of our relationship he started to disappear on the weekends even if I was staying at his apartment with his roommate. He used to go out to New Jersey (bout 2 hours away) to meet up with people whom I've never met and never heard of. There was always some excuse why he wasn't around. He even ditched me on my birthday weekend. He was out in New Jersey doing god knows what. Two weeks after my 29th Birthday he moved out to New Jersey. Like a lemming I followed him, even helped him move. He just left. Didn't warn his roommate or anything. We moved him out one day while his roommate was at work. Left him to clean up the mess. He even left his cat behind to fend for itself. His ex roommate ended up adopting the cat, so at least that was a happy ending and  I am still friends with his ex roommate. 

He ended up telling me he got a new job helping a Realtor. He would even send pictures of houses he wanted to buy for us with his fake money. Things got increasingly hard. There was always an excuse why I couldn't visit and in a heated argument he told me he was diagnosed with cancer. He told me it was brain cancer and he had to undergo chemo treatments. He said this was the reason why his personality changed so rapidly and why he ran away to New Jersey. I believed him. I believed him because I still loved him and I wanted a happy ever after. There was no proof he had cancer. I never saw him sick from chemo treatments. He would tell me he was going to the hospital for treatments or a check up, but he would never let me go with him. He told me he had cancer so I'd feel sorry for him and so I'd be roped in a little longer. He knew what he was doing. 

I saw him right before Halloween of that year. He was so different and so cold. There were so many lies. I didn't know what to believe anymore. I ended up giving him the ring back and called off the engagement. I told him I couldn't marry him if he stayed like this. I told him I still loved him though. We decided to still try and work things out and I went out to New Jersey to visit often. It was right before New Years of that year when we officially broke up. I found out he was dating someone else and he wanted me to find out. He made it obvious. He broke up with me in an email after I had questioned what the fuck was going on. I went home that night and ripped up every picture of us. I reached the breaking point finally!

For awhile I didn't know how to function. He was my world and my world ended. I had (still do) hard time trusting anyone even friends. He poisoned my world and the love that I had for him turned completely into hatred. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. I am not a hatful person but I want rabid dogs to feast on his danglers! Years have past and I still remember everything like it was yesterday. He is one guy that definitely needs to come with a warning label. Hazardous to all living things! They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If that's the case then I should be as strong as He-Man... Ok, ok maybe as strong as She-Ra. I liked her horse better anyway.

Don't let love blind you to the point where you can't see what's going on right in front of your face. 

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Gatherings

Every holiday season I'm always invited to several parties. Some hosted by gay people, some hosted by straight people. It always astounds me that they are so vastly different. Gay gatherings are what you would normally expect, a bunch of drunken finely dressed catty men huddled around whichever part of the house contains the booze.

Gay parties are the ultimate social gathering. There's no drinking games such as beer pong in fact most don't even have beer. We like our hard liquor.

We do however play many secret games like the one where you suck in your gut so you look better. I don't think I have completely exhaled since 2001. There's also the "I'm better than everyone else" game. I guess that's not a secret that gay men can be rather judgey. We'll criticize your clothes, hair and everything else. There's also the game where you pretend to be interested in getting to know someone, but all you really want to do is fuck them. You know what they say the best way to spread holiday cheer is to take it in the rear! We may not play actual boardgames, but trust me almost every gay man you encounter at a party is playing some type of game.

Steve and Bill's annual holiday party fits the standard mold of gay gatherings. An abundance of liquor... check, food that is always leftover because we drink more than we eat... check, homo friendly straight people such as: MILFs, DILFs, Fag Hags, Fag Stags and the occasional regular Mom... check, and of course a mixture of gay people including Twinks that the hosts have had threesomes, foursomes and whatever kind of 'some' you can think of with... check.

It's not really a secret that at Steve and Bill's parties usually extracurricular activities occur after the straighties leave (usually after midnight. It's like their soccer mom suv's turn into pumpkins.) and the gays get drunker. Every party Steve and Bill usually pick someone to partake. They call this individual the "Hostess Gift." Bobby and I attended this years party fully knowing what to expect. My first time at Steve and Bill's years ago I was asked to be the hostess gift but turned down the offer. And the first time Bobby ever attended a party with Steve and Bill he kind of became the appetizer or pre-gift, but it was just a taste (literally) before Bobby stopped it.

This year the party was no different. Bobby and I met some interesting people and hung out with the party regulars that attend every year. We met this interesting fellow named Travis. He was cute, nice, and a hairdresser. He told us he had met Steve and Bill at a club in Philly and upon further inquiry I discovered he had been to their house before aka "he did stuff with them" but this was his first time at their holiday party. He told us that Bill picked him up from the train station and he blew off another party to attend this one. "I thought this one would be more fun and debaucherish." he said as he smiled. That told me one thing, Travis is this years hostess gift! I broke the ice with Travis the best I could. Once conversation starts flowing Bobby becomes more relaxed and chimes in. I knew he was attracted to Travis and could tell he wanted to get to know him more which he did throughout the night... Cut to... Bobby making out with him.

I managed to make friends with a lovely straight couple. She resembled Lea Michelle (from Glee) and he was, well he was fucking hot! I joked with Lea that her husband was a commodity and all the gays at the party wanted him. He was the party's token DILF and he seemed rather flattered. He didn't even mind when I rubbed his head, felt his pecs and told him I could sit on his face and bust a nut on it. Before we left Bobby and Travis exchanged numbers. Later we found out that because Steve wasn't feeling up to it and because Bobby and Travis hit it off so well, that nothing extracurricular occurred. Travis slept in the guest room. Looks like Bobby got the hostess gift and he wasn't even the hostess.

The weekend after Steve and Bill's, Kevin and I attended Harold's annual Holiday party. (Bobby was in New Jersey having a date with Travis.) Harold's parties are similar to Steve and Bill's. Lots of liquor, some food, some straight people and Twinks he wants to, but doesn't usually get to sleep with. I think Kevin's been the hostess gift for almost everyone but the host. (kidding kind of) At Harold's parties we tend to know almost everyone. Kile was there and Andy and Brett made a short guest appearance. Things were fun until midnight rolled around.

Kile had been seeing this guy in New Jersey, he had just gotten to Harold's and brought some people with him. Among the people was my ex fiancé Richard! I quickly grabbed Kevin and pulled him into the kitchen. "That's Richard!" I said in shock! "O! M! G! No way!?" Kevin replied. Kevin had only met Richard once and it was brief and years ago. Kevin peeked his head around the corner turned back and looked at me, "Yep it's him! Do you want to leave? We can go!" he said. Kile had no idea what was going and was in mid introduction with everyone when Richard said, "oh, yeah that's my ex." He said it like I was just a footnote in a book that was filled with other guys. I was determined to not let this fucker ruin anymore of my life. He lies, he cheats and he uses people. And there he was right in front of me.

Look what the gonorrhea and syphilis dragged in! I looked at Kevin and said, "No I'll be ok as long as he doesn't try to talk to me or anything. If they stay downstairs I'll be fine."

I guess Kile knowing it was a bad idea to mix us he kept his group downstairs. He came up to Kevin and I sitting on the couch and apologized. I realize he had no clue at all so it wasn't his fault. As the night drew on and the alcohol turned into emotion I became both equal parts hurt and crazy. If I could have picked up the piano and thrown it at Richard I would have. I even tried. Hey I was drunk. And there was a brief hunt for Harold's kitchen knives which was faltered by Kevin shutting the drawer after I opened it while saying, "that's not enough knives."

I felt like I was going to have a Carrie on prom night kind of moment. But it was Kevin who calmed me down.

The true colors of Kevin's friendship really shined that night. He cuddled with me on the couch, and kissed me innocently a little bit to calm me down. The whole thing was just about perfect except he made out with his ex whom was also sitting with us, but hey its Kevin he isn't a Saint although he has been on his knees like one. Truth be told I'd be perfectly happy to go another 4 years without seeing Richard's snaggletoothed face (he has a chipped tooth in the front. He told me it was because another ex punched him, but if Richard treated him anything like he treated me then I'd say he deserved it.) I've learned that a bruised heart is much like fruit you have to keep it cold to preserve it. If Richard was the one to bruise it then that makes my friends the ones to keep it preserved.

The gatherings just keep on coming. Jules invited me to a little kid friendly ice cream social. You're suppose to bring your own topping and I'm probably the only person in the world to bring liquor to an ice cream social and convince everyone to order chinese takeout. The chinese food was good! The gathering was small. It was just Jules and her almost two year old son who was obsessed with cows and called the Elmo on his shirt "Melmo," (how cute is that?) Jules' sister and her son and Sven. Blue eyed smily Sven! They had football on when I walked in. Good thing I brought the liquor! It was a fun evening despite those weren't the kind of tight ends I had in mind. It was nice to catch up with everyone. I have missed them all.

I always dread New Years. I never have any luck on this holiday. The last few years have ended in tears so to pull myself out of my traditional "I want to cut myself" feeling I decided to spend it with straight people! I know, shocking! Kevin's friend Rose invited us over for a neighborhood party. I've been to a couple parties hosted by Kevin's neighborhood friends. They are what you would expect of college aged people. Rose had beer, some hard liquor, drinking games (We played 'Never Have I Ever' "Never have I ever had anal sex" it was funny cause mostly everyone drank.

Hmm there's hope for straight people yet.) and she had some food too. We mainly lived off of vodka soaked gummy bears and worms which were amazing! They need their own food group. Kate's boyfriend Ben always insists that Kyle and I are faking being gay so we can grab boobs and "stuff." Boob grabbing is one thing vajay-jay licking is another. I always tell him I could prove to him that I'm really gay, but he is scared of what I might do and backs off. I'll admit despite the straightness I didn't feel any awkwardness. It also helped that Lynn and her boyfriend were also there so I knew people. And I wasn't the oldest Kate's dad was hanging out with us. He listened to all the "Never I have evers" till he passed out in a bean bag chair and we all drew on him with permanent marker. Mental note: never pass out at a straight party.

Nothing says ringing in the New Year quite like drinking champagne out of a big red solo cup. Those cups are the devil! I believe at one point I actually had three drinks going. They say who you kiss and who you are with when the clock strikes midnight is the person that you'll spend the year with.

I kissed Kevin and if that means I'll spend the year with one of my best friends then I'm all for it, but I also kissed a bunch of the girls, so does that mean there's vagina in my future? Now that's just scary.          

Advice: FWB Turned Sour

Dear J,
How do you be friends with someone whom is gay, that you had a sexual experience with, but found there was no sexual gratification in it for you, but you still love them like a brother? How do you stop them from being vindictive and mean? I'm a sensitive male, but I am straight. I was abused as a young kid and I have bad flashbacks. I have a lot of gay friends I'm comfortable with around me. But things are weird now with my best friend because of what happened. I do love him. I'm just not gay.
-Anonymous


Dear Sensitive Straighty,
As you can see sex and friendship doesn't always mix. It's never ever a good idea to go down that road with your friend unless you both have mutual feelings for one another or have some kind of NSA/FWB arrangement. Someone always ends up getting hurt and in this case it's the both of you.

The first thing you really need to do is talk to your best friend. I would avoid the phrasing "I didnt have any sexual gratification from our hook up." that is just gonna make your best friend feel like shit. Like a used up cum rag! Nothing can wreck someone's self esteem quicker. Also avoid the word "mistake" because in his eyes it probably didn't feel that way. You need to tell him you value your friendship with him and that you do love him. But you just want to stay friends and the sex shouldn't happen again. Even saying that will feel like daggers stabbing his heart. If he is being vindictive and mean that is because he is hurt. You hurt him by rejecting him. Gay guys can be mean if they are hurt and trust me we aren't afraid to hit below the belt! He may need time to get over it. So talk to him, apologize the best you can and give him some space. True friends can always work stuff out. Remember actions speak louder than words, so showing some type of remorseful gesture will help.

The second thing I want you to do is to think about why this happened in the first place? Were you confused about your own sexuality and needed to test it? Were you thinking that maybe a relationship with your best friend would work and then when it actually happened you realized for sure you're straight? You need to figure this out, so something like this doesn't happen again. My best friend Kevin would say, "most straight guys would fuck anything, a warm hole, is a warm hole!" But if you are truly sensitive like you stated then this probably isn't the case. So why did you hook up with your best friend? If you feel it may be because of the abuse you received as a child then perhaps you should seek professional help from a therapist. They can uncover those underlying issues and hopefully help you out. And if you still really aren't sure about your sexuality just remember the anus has 8 more working muscles and is 4 degrees warmer than the vagina... Just saying.

Make good decisions,
J


Need Advice?

Unmasked

People wear masks for many reasons not just for Halloween. Actual costumes can conceal ones identity and so can that invisible mask people wear. Some people never reveal who they truly are for fear of rejection. Masks can hide your feelings and keep those emotions hidden from onlookers. With everyone pretending to be someone else do we ever really know someone? If you never take off that mask and let someone in, you actually become what the mask represents. It is almost like we are trick or treating through our lives.
People you meet on the street, internet, and bars only show you a fragment of who they really are. It's only bits and pieces of what they want to show you. Everything else is kept hidden under their mask. I've dealt with fake people before. Fake co-workers whom say one thing to you and then get you fired (it actually happened), fake friends whom stab you in the back, and fake boyfriends whom lied, cheated and used you for their own amusement.

Just recently I discovered a Internet friend turned out to be completely fake. I know, shocker right? We chatted on a daily bases, but it turns out he was using someone else's pictures on his Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr! And by pictures I mean albums of them, not just two or three. We are talking hundreds! It totally looked all legit! What was he hiding? Why did he lie? Why was he pretending to be someone else? What mask was he wearing? I'll admit I was upset by this and now that he has been caught he completely fell off the grid. It's true what they say, you never really know anyone! That 20 year Twink with washboard abs, and hung like donkey kong, that you're talking to online, could really be a 45 year old with Dicky-Do Disease. You know, his tummy sticks out further than his "dicky do!"

Now onto physical masks... Kevin and I were invited to Lukas's Halloween party at his home which he refers to as "The Betty Ford Clinic." Kevin and I went dressed as The Little Red Riding Hood and The Wolf dressed as Grandma. I of course was Little Red being a ginger and all. I dressed as the slutty gay version of Little Red Riding Hood. My costume consisted of a long red velvet hooded cape, a tight t-shirt that read, "Too busy to fuck, (You know, cause I was on my way to Grandma's) and ass-less chaps. (I wore cute little red briefs) I carried a white basket. Bringing little treats to Grandma's like, condoms, packets of lube, and Hello Kitty gum. (Which I passed out to party goers while I mooned them.)

  Kevin was dressed as the wolf in Grandma's nightie. Being the hairy otter that he is all he did was wolf out his hair and he wore one of his mom's old pink nighties. The pink nightie was perfect and showed just the right amount of chest hair. We told everyone that he was the wolf dressed as Grandma after he ate her... out!

Once upon a time there lived in a certain village a little gay ginger, the prettiest ginger who was ever seen. His Drag Mother was excessively fond of him; and his Grandmother doted on him still more. This good "woman" had a little red riding hood made for him along with cute red underwear. It suited the gay boy so extremely well that everybody called him Little Gay Red Riding Hood.
One day his Drag Mother, having gathered some condoms, said to him, "Go, my dear, and see how your Grandma is doing, for I hear she has strep throat from giving too much head to the woodcutters. Take her these condoms so her mouth gets a break and they fill another hole for once. Also bring her Hello Kitty gum and this little tub of lube."
As he was going through the wood, he met with a very hairy wolf, who had a very great mind to eat him out and hump his hole, but he dared not, because of some woodcutters working nearby in the forest. The wolf asked him where he was going. "I am going to see my Grandma and carry her a basketful of goodies so she doesn't get any STDs!
"Does she live far off?" said the wolf
"Oh I say," answered Little Gay Red Riding Hood; "it is beyond that Adult Book Store you see there, at the first house in the village."
"Well," said the wolf, "and I'll go and see her too. I'll go this way and go you that, and we shall see who will be there first."
The wolf ran as fast as he could, taking the shortest path, and the little gay boy took a roundabout way, entertaining himself by playing with his nuts, and shooting a load. It was not long before the wolf arrived at the old woman's house. He knocked at the door: tap, tap.
"Who's queer?"
"Your grandchild, Little Gay Red Riding Hood," replied the wolf, counterfeiting his gay voice; "who has brought you a basketful of goodies sent to you by my Drag Mother."
The naughty Grandmother, who was in bed, because she was somewhat worn out from a fuckfest, cried out, "Pull my bobbin, and my latch will go up."
The wolf pulled the bobbin, and the door opened, and then he immediately fell upon the good "woman" and ate her out in a moment with his long pointy tongue! The wolf put on the Grandmother's nightie. He hog tied her and put her in the closet. The wolf then shut the door and got into the Grandmother's bed, expecting Little Gay Red Riding Hood, who came some time afterwards and knocked at the door: tap, tap.
"Who's queer?"
Little Gay Red Riding Hood, hearing the big voice of the wolf, was at first afraid; but believing his Grandma had a strep throat and was hoarse from slobbing on knobs answered, "It is your grandchild Little Gay Red Riding Hood, who has brought you a basketful of goodies!
The wolf cried out to her, softening his voice as much as he could, "Pull on my bobbin, and my latch will go up."
Little Gay Red Riding Hood pulled the bobbin, and the door opened.
Little Gay Red Riding Hood took off his clothes and got into bed. He was greatly amazed to see how hairy his Grandmother looked in her nightclothes, and said to her,
"Grandma, what a hairy chest you have!"
"All the better to pet my dear."
"Grandma, what a hairy asshole you have!"
"All the better for you to rim my dear."
"Grandma, what a long tongue you have!"
"All the better to lick you with my dear."
"Grandma, what a nice dick you have!"
"All the better to pound and smack across YOUR FACE MY DEAR!"
And, saying these words, the wicked hairy wolf fell upon Little Gay Red Riding Hood, ate him all out and humped him doggystyle until all the lube was gone!

Ok, ok I know I'm a little crazy, but that's how the gay version of the story would go. The party was fab, cosmos on tap, and people dressed in all kinds of costumes. Lukas was dressed as a priest and his boyfriend (of only two weeks. Kevin hooked up with Lukas a couple of weeks before the party. He was single then!) was his altar boy. I almost felt as if I should kneel before him. Maybe that was what he intended with his costume. I said, "Excuse me Father for I have sinned. It has been two hours since my last confession." Lukas replied, "Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers and stop being a fucking whore!" I said, "Well I already did 2 Fathers while 3 Marys watched!" He said, "Congrats! You have secured your penthouse suite in hell! I will be across the hall."

The party brought familiar faces like Aaron, Lukas's houseboy. Yes he has an altar boy and a houseboy! Aaron dressed as he would when he cleans Lukas's house, short shorts and a very low sloop shirt. The last party I attended at Lukas's, Aaron got really drunk within a few hours and ended up showing everyone his penis. He still doesn't remember it. Kevin and I had a bet to see how long it would take this time. Apparently only the Grim Reaper may have gotten a glance. Aaron gave a guy dressed up as the Reaper a blow job in the bathroom. Looks like he got his stiff after all.

While Kevin and I made bad decisions, him more so than I, Bobby was at the Halloween Takeover event. He dressed up as a football player and let me tell you I wanted to play "touch" football after he sent Kevin and I a picture of his costume. His package looked huge. Like he was smuggling something in the skin tight football shorts. Bobby told us he was a "tight-end" but I prefer to say "wide receiver!" He said, "Omg it was the best Takeover I have ever been to! And in that little number I had on it was a night of high flirtation." In this case Bobby used his costume as a mask to hide his awkwardness. It must have felt kind of freeing to be someone else and receive some attention that he deserved. I'm glad he had a good time. Parts of Lukas's party are somewhat hazy. I had one to many cosmos and ended up passing out on Lukas's sofa. I awoke Sunday morning hungover, still fully dressed in costume, and wrapped up in my red hooded cape. My basketful of goodies nowhere to be seen. (I later found it on the kitchen counter with almost all the condoms gone.) I heard a noise coming from the basement, in any horror movie this is where I would die! Never investigate a noise because that's where the killer is waiting for you!

But it was just Lukas cleaning up the bar. He made me a Bloody Mary which took my hangover away. I looked around and noticed a girl sleeping on the sofa, and Kevin sleeping on the blow up bed with one of Lukas's friends. I had brought that blow up bed with us so Kevin and I could sleep on it! Kevin's little head peeked through the covers and he looked at me. I mouthed, "What happened?" and pointed my finger at him and the guy sleeping next to him. Kevin gestured with his hand and mouth that he had gotten a blow job. Pure class, I know. I mouthed back "Whore!" Looks like I need to fumigate that bed! He said he didn't get anything on it, but I am half tempted to take a blacklight to it. Later he told me nothing really happened because the guy couldn't get it up. He was on anti-depressants. Kevin said, "It really was depressing... for me!! I couldn't even get it in because that girl was sleeping on the sofa. He totally wanted to ride my dick too. This doesn't count!" I guess you can take the wolf out of the nightie, but you can't take the dog out of the boy! This is Kevin's slutty mask that he wears, but he only wears it sometimes. Lately it's been the whole month of October! He said, "I'm just glad October is over. I was way too slutty this month! It was just this month I'm DONE!" I guess he'll put that mask away for a little bit. So will feelings be shared instead of bodily fluids? Your guess is as good as mine.

  I wear a mask too. It's painfully obvious I use humor as a defense mechanism. There's pain and some anger behind the jokes. Whenever I'm upset about something I try to laugh it off. I keep a lot in and use witty banter to let some of it out. I need someone that I can let in without fear of being hurt. So who will finally unmask me? I'm waiting...

Sticks & Stones

Before I danced at my first gay club, experienced my first kiss with another man, pranced around in nothing but glitter and a thong, before I even knew I was gay or what being gay even was. There was this preconceived notion that I was a Faggot. This of course caused the daily relentless torture from the kids in my school. From 6th grade until I was a senior in high school it didn't stop for one day. I know why I was a target. Middle school and high school is all about blending in and no matter how hard I tried I could only stand out. I was a chubby redhead with bad skin! I was just as round as I was tall. Kind of resembling an apple with Ronald McDonald hair! And to top it all off my voice was so high it was like someone constantly had my balls in a vice. (Voice hasn't changed much, but at least it's at a lower octave. I no longer make a signal only dogs can hear.)

Being teased is normal for everyone while growing up, but for some it crosses the line from teasing to heinous acts. It is no longer just harmless playground teasing. My life everyday felt like a living hell and at times I felt like there was no escape. I felt helpless. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can bruise just as easily.

I dreaded school every single day, but before I even made it to school I feared the bus stop and bus ride. As I waited for my bus to arrive, kids would throw rocks at me. One time someone threw an ice ball at my face. It actually gave me a black eye and split my lip open. The kid got a detention, but that was it and then went back to bullying me more. I remember having live worms put down the back of my shirt. I got even when a girl started laughing at me. I flung the worm at her and it stuck to her cheek. She screamed and didn't tease me again after that. Because of all the issues I had at the bus stop I used to try to arrive as late as possible even if it involved me running down the hill to catch the bus. The bus ride was just as bad. By the time the bus came to my stop it usually was very full and everyone had to share a seat. I was treated like I had a horrible disease and no one would let me sit with them. Sometimes I had to sit on the floor. Thankfully it was only a ten minute drive. The bus driver did nothing! In fact he yelled at me not at the kids that taunted me, even after I explained why I was on the floor.

My school days involved being pushed in the hallways and daily use of the words gay, fairy, faggot and homo were screamed at me. Soda was poured in my book bag and there was one time Gatorade was poured on my head. I still hate Gatorade to this day. I won't drink it. Kids also had cruel nicknames they called me which I'm not going to share because they haunted me forever! Kids would harass me even in front of teachers and again most teachers did nothing! I had only a few classes I felt completely safe in.

I will admit that thoughts of suicide did enter my head. When people constantly drill into your head 60 times a day that you are worthless you start to believe it. So how did I get through it all? Well, it wasn't easy. Fortunately for me I had a wonderful teacher that looked out for me. She had a no tolerance for bullying and disrespectful behavior in her classroom! I used to eat lunch in her classroom and spent study halls and free periods there. I escaped from my troubles with writing (Still do! Even though my creative writing teacher hated everything I wrote.) and I was big into art. I always turned to my creatively and it kept me going. Whenever I got home from school. I left school at school. Which means I left all the negatively and hurtful remarks there. I had a great support system at home. My mom was always there for me. She doesn't know half of what I went through, but mom's always know when something is wrong and she did the best she could. By the time I was a senior things got better. I just kept thinking that it's almost over and I never have to see any of these assholes ever again! Now, I rarely see my old classmates and when I do they usually don't recognize me.

If you experience bullying or violence because you are a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender just remember:
•You matter and have a place in the world. You're important!
•You are not alone - help and support is only a phone call away or online.
•Be proud of who you are!

Over a ten-year period more than 7,000 LGBT middle and high school students (aged 13-21), were surveyed:
-Eight in ten LGBT students had been verbally harassed at school.
-Four in ten had been physically harassed at school.
-Six in ten felt unsafe at school.
-One in five had been the victim of a physical assault at school.
-Unfortunately, these types of experiences with violence also occur outside of school and may continue into young adulthood.

One of the biggest problems today is that the word "gay" is used in a derogatory manner in every day language. One of the most popular phrasings is "That's so gay!" The word "gay" is used in place of stupid or weird. It's used by adults and by kids. Adults that use this phrase even if it is in a harmless manner are still causing harm. Adults that say "That's so gay" are teaching their children at an early age that gay is wrong. Kids associate the word "gay" with being weird or stupid and then are more likely to tease kids that they perceive are different. Parents need to realize that not only do children learn their behavior in school they learn it from you. My advice to teachers that hear gay being used in a derogatory manner is not to ignore it! Chances are it's worse when they leave the classroom. Tell the student that you will not torrent it in your class. If there are any LGBT students in your class this will show them that this is a "safe place" for them.

Kevin states, "People do say "That's so gay or he's so gay" a lot, not meaning to be offensive usually, but when children hear it they are so impressionable!" Faggot is also another word that is being used and it's unacceptable! Kevin says, "Faggot is worse than the word "gay" and thrown around a lot jokingly. It's not funny. Kids say that way more than they used too!" In my discussion with Kevin I said, "You're right! You know gay guys never refer to each other as faggots. We don't use that word to describe ourselves. Well unless its a dirty porno." Kevin laughed and said, "Yeah, when they say... "Yeaaaaa you like that you little faggot?" Pound! Pound! Pound! Pound! Pound! I've seen that before in porn!" Then I had a visional of what he was saying and lost my train of thought... Oops!

Another issue contributing to bullying is technology. My mom says, "Computers are evil! I swear one day they will all come to life and kill us while we sleep!" Unlike when I was in school I could escape the torment by going home. Now the bullies follow the victim everywhere! They use the Internet, social media and texting. Cyber-bullying is increasing at a rapid rate. The victim feels like they have no escape from the harassment. No way out.

A survey of over 400 middle school, high school and college students between the ages of 11 and 22 (including 350 self-identified non-heterosexual subjects) found:
-54% of LGBT youth had been victims of cyberbullying within the past 30 days.
-45% of the respondents "reported feeling depressed as a result of being cyber-bullied."
-38% felt embarrassed.
-28% felt anxious about attending school.
-More than a quarter (26%) had suicidal thoughts!

If you are a victim of cyber-bullying there's things you can do.
 1. Most states have cyber-bullying laws in place and you can fight back. Here's a link that can help: www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=13495#Laws
2. Don't respond to the bullying remarks.
3. Make copies of what they are saying to you and save everything in a file. This way if they delete their profile or the conversation you have proof.
4. Delete all the negative comments the bully posts about you.
5. Block them! Almost all social networking sites like Facebook have a blocking feature...use it! There may also be a feature where you can report users.

The gay community has made a lot of accomplishments since I've been out of the closet. With the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell (Maybe now I can be a towel boy for the army. "I'm sorry! I'm all out of big towels, here's a washcloth to dry off with.") and all the states that are slowly getting on board with gay marriage. (Accepting applications for a husband now!) I feel we are slowly headed in the right direction. BUT there's still so much yet to be done and so much negatively towards us that needs to be shattered.

Mostly everyone has heard of the recent suicides among young teens. The gay Rutgers student who took his own life after his intimate encounters were broadcasted over the Internet! Then there were the tragic suicides of two 13-year olds who experienced constant ridicule for being gay. A 14-year old that made a heartbreaking It Gets Better video on YouTube and then 4 months later felt his only way out was to end his own life! These of course are just a few of cases that the media latched onto. How many others must die before something is done? How many others are facing daily harassment as a result of their sexual orientation? Are you one them? When will it stop!? Unlike being born gay, bullies aren't born bullies they are taught. We can end this! We can change this! Stop the bullying.

For those of you that are being bullied please stay strong. It sounds cliche but it does get better. Those bullies will probably all end up being fat, bald and pumping your gas. "That's alright, that's okay you're gonna pump my gas someday!" The popular mean kids never stay popular after school. Just remember there has to be a little rain before there's a rainbow. Don't you wanna be around to see it?


Here's messages from the Queer Dirty Laundry characters:
"From 5th grade to 7th grade I was bullied cause I was "girlish" and it was pretty intense for a while. But then I kinda learned how to fade into the background until school was over. Then it all got better. Although it seems really bad school doesn't last forever. It will be a distance memory one day!" ~Bobby

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” ~James

"Bullies are the people that feel the need to take out their own insecurities on other people. While being bullied can be hurtful and scary just remember that you are a stronger and much better person than those doing the bullying! Don't let them bring you down, let them bring you up to being an even better person! Don't let them take your life and your soul! STAY STRONG AND ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!"
~Lindsay

“The sun always rises the next day.” ~Knockers

"People may call you a fag, a girl, a homo, but screw them because you are being just who you were meant to be. There's so many others out there that are just like you! Welcome to the world! It's a shitty place, but stick around long enough and you will find happiness. When you don't think anyone will love you for you I guarantee you someone already does!" ~Kevin

"No matter how bad things get and no matter who puts you down, you can always rely on yourself. Love who you are because when you love yourself, you are letting someone else look up to you for guidance." ~Derek

"YOU are strong as shit!" ~Jules

"You do not need to put on a brave face when you are in pain. Talk, find someone, anyone and just talk. There are people out there who will listen. Trust, believe, there is love..." If you need someone to talk to email me: Horrorj2007@yahoo.com ~Edward

"Each day allows you to begin writing a new chapter of your life, whether it be a short one or one that extends for years, the important thing is you're the author and no one can change that!" ~Bethany

"If you want a rainbow, you have to get past the rain." ~Sean

"Us old farts need something to look at when we go to the bars. There's more support from the gay population now more than ever, with countless ways of reaching out. We've all been there, and know what it's like, but it does get better as life goes on." ~George

"Bullying won't stop. It will happen throughout your life in many different shapes and forms...But being aware and remaining positive will get you through it. You won't ever be alone!" ~Lynn

"Hold your head up high and when they're not looking, pee in their water ice!" ~Sven

"You can always count on your friends and family!" ~Lola

"Few blows feel more devastating than an attack on our fundamental self, whether that's sexual orientation, skin color, gender, family, or even our mannerisms. How can we adequately defend the circumstances of our birth, for better or for worse? More important, why do we feel the need to defend, meeting the aggressor on his own uneven playing field?

There are no easy answers – and to dwell on negativity can diminish our confidence and lead us into self-doubt. So, what to do? How to respond?

Do this: Hold your head high. Be proud – never ashamed – of who you are, where you're from, or whom you love. It's not easy to ignore repeated taunts and insults. But your only real fault comes by refusing to embrace yourself, by not growing to your full potential.

My promise to you: It ends. Guaranteed. You don't believe that now, and you can't see the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. But your light is there. Embrace yourself. Be proud. Never apologize for who you are. Because it ends. I promise." ~Tristan

***All the photos used in this post are linked to sites that can help. Just click on them. Remember you are not alone.